Focus on the positive, stop trying to fix the negative . . . This has become my focus for the past few months and I certainly feel better.
I am frequently surprised at how long piecing takes. I guess it's because I'm waiting on my H. And I do feel like I'm waiting on him.
I am weary. I can't fix anything. Our M was irretrievably broken. We have many positives now. But it's still difficult, and there is still something missing - the spark. It's gone.
What do you do when the spark is gone? What happens when you are in a relationship and the spark is not there? I've had this happen in dating relationships, but what happens when it is in your marriage?
I believe in my vows. I even believe in my husband. But I don't want to live like this. I want to have romance, and sparks, and heat, and passion, and children . . . and yet, I can't fathom being intimate with him. I can't imagine what that would be like – and it’s been years – almost FOUR years! And then I worry. I worry that we will never have *that* kind of marriage. That this is all there is - a deep friendship that at best will one day be solid and fully built on mutual respect. But I don't want *just* that.
As usual, I'm trying to "level" up and my H is just not there yet. Will I ever feel like I’m not just pulling him along on this ride? Will I ever feel like we are on the same page? Will I have children? Time is marching on - I turn 35 in '10. I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't want to wake up at 40, childless, in a really great friendship-marriage.
What is our next step? I have no idea how to get where I want to be. . .
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
