Welp, since you didn't cuss me out, I'm assuming that you are at least willing to overlook my pious trip. My thanks.
Guy, I think one of the very important things you really need to do is pull back a bit from looking at 'all the problems' the two of you must overcome. It's like you are looking at the entire forest, and right now I think you need to focus on a few trees. In other words, let's break this down into some manageable chunks, and start with a few issues. You will be working toward the end goal, but you need a few small victories under your belt or you are going to continue to feel despondent.
You are absolutely correct when you say that in order for you and your wife to have a happy marriage, both of your needs must be met. There are things you can do to work on yourself, but one of the very most important things you need to do, first, is sit down and have a honest conversation with your wife about the state of your marriage.
I don't know how she'd react to it, but what if you and she just left the house for a few hours together to have a chat (DO NOT BRING UP SEX). You really need to find out where she stands... I know you've said she thinks you're boring, that you don't have anything in common, etc. But that's not what I'm talking about.
You need to have the conversation where you both understand that neither one of you are as happy as you'd like to be in your marriage, and you need to ask her, "if there was a way to make us happy again, would you be willing to explore that with me?"
This is the type of general conversation I'm talking about. Try not to bring up real specific issues... don't worry you will have time to get to them. But what you need to re-establish with her is an open line of communication. You just need to start talking again, in an honest fashion. You need to hear her, and she needs to hear you. If she asks you, "is this about you getting more sex?" Tell her no, this conversation has nothing to do with that. This conversation is about the two of you agreeing that you both feel it is important 'to get off the roller coaster.' Do you understand?
If you can at least get from the conversation that she is willing to work with you, tell her THANK YOU and end the conversation, okay? At this point, all we need her to be is 'open to negotiation.'
You are correct when you said, "MAN THIS IS SO HARD." Damn straight, it's hard. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. But YOU CAN do this. It is possible. You are just going to have to be patient. And the road to patience is paved with empathy and tolerance. If you can truly empathize and tolerate your wife's point of views and really 'hear' them, you will be able to teach her how to be the same with you.
Leave the desire thing alone for a bit, k? That's on down the road, and we'll get there. Promise.
