I tried calling a DB Coach, but they close at 4pm Mtn time. I will call tomorrow. It would probably be quickest for them to read this entire thread, then get back to me after they have done so.
I also believe her low self-esteem and feelings of self loathing are due to the rape. Not giving her enough love in her LLs (words of affirmation and quality time) did not help. (She got a lot of gifts and acts of service and seemed very happy with them in the past).
BTW-I asked her to read the chapter of 5LL entitled "Loving the Unlovable." The situation is pretty similar except the H in the chapter was WAY worse than my worst behavior to his W. In the book, the H's LL were physical affection with words of affirmation secondary - just like mine. Strikingly, my WAW and I both hurt each other the most based on LLs. She did not get enough affirmation, and her EA/PA hurts a physical affection person the most. I asked her response to the chapter, and she said "That woman is a better Christian than I am." Of course, she was not willing to try similar baby steps in our M when I asked her.
Last night was S7's Christmas program at school. I actually got a text 30 min. beforehand from her saying she saved me a seat! I responded thanks and be there in a bit.
She looked awful, bags under eyes, nails to the nub, very gaunt.
I, on the other hand, thought I looked good. I was still in my nicer work clothes with new glasses. I saw her checking out the new glasses. I also am 180ing by growing out my nails - stress has kept them clipped very short for months - and wearing my college class ring on my wedding ring finger.
She asked how I was doing and I told her great! (See my previous post about Sat night dinner plans). (She was doing "OK".)
My WAW is definitely in first place (my W social friends clearly know this) and my WAW does not know my new W friends. Now I wonder if I should be out and about socially with other women.
She inquired about pictures of our boys from last weekend when S4 and S7 rode a Santa train with me then we cut a Christmas tree from the forest. I smilingly told her they are on my facebook page, and she can friend me to see them. She astonishingly asked "you are on facebook?" Yes, I responded with enthusiasm. (Facebook is a 180, and a fun one with old friends giving HUGE support for me now).
We talked a bit - she was friendly with lots of eye contact but made a point of telling me that she borrowed a camera from "a friend" to take pictures at the program. I brought ours too. As if she would borrow a camera from a stranger or an enemy - I bit it off before I said it.
Is OM just "a friend" when he is #@*&ing her? I am so sick of "friend" that I could scream.
The friend comment ended any further levity from me.
I saw the first real social interaction with WAW since the separation as a win for the DBing LBH.
I have always been using please and thank you in all communications - NOT a 180, but something I think she appreciates.
The idea to completely focus on her I will do more fully. I have also been practicing "I can see why you feel that way" and "I am sorry you feel that way" to make them seem more natural when they will be needed to validate her feelings.
She texted and wanted to go into our house to get another hat for our S4 while I was at work today. I have given a boundary that I do not want her to come in our house when I am not there. Perhaps a test on her part? My response was that I prefer she not do so and that I will bring the hat to her apt before work tomorrow. I was polite but firm.
So I see now I must change the entry keypad so she can't get in. I have asked twice to get her house key back, and I asked again as part of the hat-related texting.
I will email my A about changing the locks.
Thanks for reading and ALL comments are GREATLY appreciated.
