New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Michelle, Carlos,

Thanks for the insight.I knew I probably could have done without talking with MIL with all the misconceptions it may bring. I have to tell you that my W called an hour later after I talked with her mom. Took me by surprise. We talked for 34 minutes.

I told her I wanted to revisit the dates she gave me earlier and see if I could come earlier to see the boys since that's part of co-parenting. I mentioned about not being able to be with the boys during Christmas for the second time. I told her that it was unfair and that I had just the same rights as a parent. After all I told her we are not divorced or even legally separated. She said she knew we weren't divorced because the D was dismissed. Then she added that in her mind we are divorced. She then proceeded to spew a lot of venom and told me that she wasn't coming back, that she wanted me to sign the D papers, that she would refile after the holidays. She did go into that venom talk during the first 15 min. of our conversation.

She asked me if I would continue to assume responsabilities for all the bills ,i.e the Suburban she drives, the credit cards. I told her that I've never shirked from my duty to support her and the children. However if she decides to divorce for good, then she would have to assume HER financial responsibilities and that I would not pay anymore for the car she drives, and we would split the credit cards, etc. I told her that is what usually happens in a D.

I never raised my voice and let her vent out her pain. She kept repeating the key words of "divorce, you never listen to me, I always had to do what was good for you, You never do what I wanted to do," etc. I told her that I changed in the past 18 months and she could verify it by calling the people she knows here where I live. She said she didn't believe me because "nobody can change psychologically in 18 months". I told her I did. I added I wish she could see the new me, see for herself that I am no longer the man I was when she left. I told her I didn't want a D.

Anyway, she went on and on. But all throughout, I really did well with keeping my calm and never fired back in any way. I told her I was past all the combat stress anger and the passive-aqggressive attitude that drove her to leave. Her tone of voice actually calmed down considerably and changed from venom filled to her normal self. I asked her how she was doing, how the boys were doing. We did talk about our finances. She then told me that I could come on 26 DEC instead of 27. Granted it's only 1 extra day, but it's still an extra day.

She asked me if I was flying or driving. I told her that I probably would drive to save money. That way I could also bring along my dog for the boys to enjoy. She asked where I'd be staying. She seemed to be very concerned for my dog and told me to take good care of him should he come. I reassured her about my intentions. The topic then switched back to the boys and she asked me if I would send my S7 his birthday present or if I was bringing it with me. I told her S7 asked me to bring it with me. Anyway, we talked about the boys some more, what present I am bringing, what the boys and I would do. She listened, I talked. She talked , I listened.

Then I ended the conversation after 34 min, and thanked her for taking time to call back. And that was it. At first I was very shaken by all that was said. But I replayed the phone call in my mind and came to the conclusion that I didn't do too bad after all. I put out boundaries in the case of a D, never fired back in anger, listened, restated, and gained an extra day with the boys. Not too bad in the great scheme of things.

I take your insights into great consideration and realize that I need to grow a spine without losing sight of being loving and compassionate. I understand that if the WAS perceives me as weak, she also may lose respect, maybe she already did... Anyway. a lot to chew on for sure.

Thanks again Michelle and Carlos for being there.

JR