...It's deeply frustrating as the HD spouse, because when you get your wife to "give you a chance," she turns on and has a fantastic time--but it doesn't matter how good it is, the next day she's right back to starving you out. You can't understand how she could be such a wildcat on these rare occasions and such an ice queen the rest of the time.
...convince her to follow Dr. Davis' advice and "just do it," she can be shocked at the difference it makes. My wife does this quite a bit now . . . I know she hasn't found the libido for the amount of lovemaking we do now, but she trusts that if she takes a hot shower, comes to bed, and accepts stimulation with an open mind, she won't have to "just do it" or "fake it" for more than a minute or two.
...The hard part of that solution is convincing your spouse that it's real and not just a ploy on your part to have sex that only you enjoy.
...SSMGuy, I'm not trying to hijack your conversation with Cyrena . . . . she really seems to have a lot of help to offer you. I hope things are starting to make more sense. If they're not, just keep going.
Also not trying to hijack SSMGuys conversation with Cyrena, but wanting to respond to SOB.
Its now been close to 4 months since I last had sex with my LD wife and probably close to 8 since I had what I would call a satisfying sexual experience with my wife. That is not very long compared to the suffering of others, I know that now.
If anyone knows a book or medical article written about this no-desire/arousal/sex/no-desire cycle I would love to get a reference that I could share with my wife. I have ordered some books on female inhibitions in the hopes that I might stumble onto something that discusses this more.
I agree that the "wildcat versus ice queen" change use to drive me crazy and one of the things I liked about SSM was the "Just do it" advice that was given in the book. Also when my wife forced herself to have sex every so many weeks, I enjoyed the temporary feeling of closeness to her, but the weeks of no closeness killed me emotionally. Even if my wife never found her libido, I could live with things if she would "just do it" frequently and enjoy the experience and allow me to share in her enjoyment while she was there.
P.S. I also started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. I came in yesterday's mail. My wife opened the box, looked at the title and then proceeded to give me hell. I think she feels threatened by my reading so many relationship books. I told her that the title isn't what the book is about. I will soon read to her a quote that says it is not about becoming a jerk but about becoming an integrated and complete man. Thanks for the advice on this book.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
