In the days after confronting my H, I focused on communicating to him that I do not want a D, that I am willing to work on our issues, my own and help him with his but only if there is NC with OW. I "kept the road paved" back to the M if that is what he chose, but with the clear boundaries in place. I then backed off, took care of myself and the kids. I let the R with OW self-destruct. Which it did. When OW found out I knew everything, she thought that was her chance to push hard to get H to move out and move in with her. She showed her true colors in not caring about impact on me and kids. This was a huge wake up for H. I made myself "the better option".
Also- re: talking to kids. My kids are teens, but I made H take responsibility for telling them since this was HIS choice, not mine. When he told them about the possibility of a separation, I made it clear to kids that was NOT my choice.
This. ^
fwiw, I exposed to our daughters (who were then 20 and 18); a couple of months later, to my S (then 14) in an age-appropriate manner. S-then-10 only knew that "Mommy and Daddy were having problems; it's not your fault; we're working on them; we both love you very much" kind of general stuff. I did expose to my siblings and parents, and kinda wish I didn't.
