Good job Maple. I know that was hard. Reading the text messages and emails made my stomach turn. But I'm glad to hear that you handled yourself calmly and printed out hard copies.
Was the computer purchased with family money? If so, it can be considered a joint asset and therefore you have a legal right to install a keylogger on it. If you can get your hands on one and get it installed before he leaves then you will have a constant source of information. And you can set it up so you don't have to look at the email reports but you will have them just in case.
I know it's a very emotional time right now, but I just want to urge you to get as much taken care of as soon as possible so you can give yourself a much deserved break once you know your ducks are in a row.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It really sucks that it is so close to Christmas. I don't even know how that is going to play out. Do I tell my immediate family now? Can't really see how to keep it from them over the holidays.
What I am going to tell the kids (4 and 2) when they wonder why daddy no longer sleeps at home?
H is really going to push selling the house and cohabitating until then.
The flood gates are starting to open now - I need to have a good cry.
For now you have made your move. You don't need to say anything new. You may need to repeat yourself a few times. Now you wait and see what he does. This could push them closer together or tear them apart. It depends on how committed he is to the affair. Some men just wanted a little extra on the side. Some have really fallen in love with the OW. Time will tell. He can go one way first, and then change. Stick to your guns.
As for what to tell the children. I believe in the truth, not necessarily the full adult truth, but some version that is truthful. Perhaps, "Daddy needs to think about what he wants. When he makes up his mind he will let us know." Others with young kids will have better ideas. My kids were old enough to just tell the whole truth.
As for telling your family, you might tread lightly there. Sometimes the family has a harder time forgiving later on than the spouse does. Maybe just " we're having trouble", if you can get away with that.
It really sucks that it is so close to Christmas. I don't even know how that is going to play out. Do I tell my immediate family now? Can't really see how to keep it from them over the holidays.
What I am going to tell the kids (4 and 2) when they wonder why daddy no longer sleeps at home?
H is really going to push selling the house and cohabitating until then.
The flood gates are starting to open now - I need to have a good cry.
I will check back in the morning.
OH (((((MG)))))
My heart is hurting for you so much right now. This was only a month ago that I confronted my H, it is still fresh enough that I feel so much for you.
Stay strong, you did an amazing job! Amazing!
In the days after confronting my H, I focused on communicating to him that I do not want a D, that I am willing to work on our issues, my own and help him with his but only if there is NC with OW. I "kept the road paved" back to the M if that is what he chose, but with the clear boundaries in place. I then backed off, took care of myself and the kids. I let the R with OW self-destruct. Which it did. When OW found out I knew everything, she thought that was her chance to push hard to get H to move out and move in with her. She showed her true colors in not caring about impact on me and kids. This was a huge wake up for H. I made myself "the better option".
Also- re: talking to kids. My kids are teens, but I made H take responsibility for telling them since this was HIS choice, not mine. When he told them about the possibility of a separation, I made it clear to kids that was NOT my choice.
I think talking to other family members is a personal choice, I told a few I could really trust, but didn't want everyone knowing for reasons that were important to me. Seek support, but choose carefully who you trust. Remember, if you do repair your M, those people may have a hard time forgiving your H and accepting him back.
Please take care of yourself right now. It is so important. YOu will be ok, no matter what H decides. Try to eat... I know it feels impossible with a stomach in knots. LIttle bits of healthy food here and there.
In the days after confronting my H, I focused on communicating to him that I do not want a D, that I am willing to work on our issues, my own and help him with his but only if there is NC with OW. I "kept the road paved" back to the M if that is what he chose, but with the clear boundaries in place. I then backed off, took care of myself and the kids. I let the R with OW self-destruct. Which it did. When OW found out I knew everything, she thought that was her chance to push hard to get H to move out and move in with her. She showed her true colors in not caring about impact on me and kids. This was a huge wake up for H. I made myself "the better option".
Also- re: talking to kids. My kids are teens, but I made H take responsibility for telling them since this was HIS choice, not mine. When he told them about the possibility of a separation, I made it clear to kids that was NOT my choice.
This. ^
fwiw, I exposed to our daughters (who were then 20 and 18); a couple of months later, to my S (then 14) in an age-appropriate manner. S-then-10 only knew that "Mommy and Daddy were having problems; it's not your fault; we're working on them; we both love you very much" kind of general stuff. I did expose to my siblings and parents, and kinda wish I didn't.
Puppy and Rocked are correct on the who tells the kids. I will be facing this soon, and my W was surprised (to say the least) that I "dumped all of this in HER lap" by telling her SHE would be the one to tell our kids.
Things look dark right now, I know. And, have a good cry. Get it out. Then take a deep breath and pick yourself up. And keep moving forward.
I believe we are never given more than we can handle, even though we think we cannot handle all of it. And, I believe that our true character is shaped, honed and appears in times of adversity. You ARE stronger than this current problem. You may not think you are, but you ARE.
Hi Maple, Since you posted on my sitch, I decided to check out yours. My heart goes out to you. I could feel your pain when you had that discussion with your H.
A lot of what you said in your sitch, reminded me of mine. And I know you feel like you are in pit of sadness, desperation and stress. Like Givingitmyall posted, we aren't given more than we can handle - even if at this very moment you feel completely broken.
Take the time to procss this - to cry, to scream to do what you need to feel a little better. Come on here and simply ask for support if it's a really tuff day. Know that we all care.
You've done a remarkable job with everything you've been faced with.
Many hugs to you!
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
