hi. i'm new here. 47 wife 40. 12 years together. She's been on the fence for two years, admitted to cheating. She moved out for space and to think but returned after 2 weeks saying she missed me, loved me and wanted to work on things. This was last month. Now she's leaving again in a few weeks. I read the Divorce Remedy and have been laying low, trying to do for me. We eat together, go to movies and gym , and even work together. Seems like we are best friends. HERE IS THE PROBLEM according to her. She Feels like we are a brother and sister , and doesn't feel passion. She said she desired me and wanted me and i was not reciprocal . She said she hit the wall too many times and she can't get back the feeling. She claims to love sex but said it doesn't feel right with me. I do admit to allowing her to be the aggressor/initiator from the beginning. I am a bit shy and she seemed to like that. But as time went by , she became frustrated according to her.I told her i understand and i am quite capable of satisfying her but she's saying it's too late. She keeps saying she's young and doesn't want to feel like she's wasted her life. I am fit , and attractive. She is also. We do love each other but sex is Very important to her as it is to me. I am willing to do Anything, but she said she can't "turn it on like that". She won't go to counseling because when we did go last year she felt the mc was focusing on childhood issues. She Might talk to one of the DB counselors . Someone please steer me in the right direction. !! I don't want to overload her with more talk today as we already discussed this a few hours ago. Thanks
Please share more information on the current situation. Do you know for sure or not of there is an ongoing affair?
It sounds like she was seeing someone and that affair stumbled or she got nervous and came back home, then, the affair heated up again.
You need to know what you are dealing with before we can give better advice.
Right now, lay low, avoid any heavy relationship talks. Do not beg, plead, smother, cry, pout or anything else that would make you look anything other than a man she would want to have sex with.
Gather some information and get back to us. Good Luck!
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
No cheating now. But she's got a foot out the door. She doesn't see a way back to passion, but i know there can be. Best friends is a good start ,i think. But sex and feeling connected sexually is very important. But how can i get her to understand that there is a way back?? How. and what do i do right now so as to not inflame the situation and hurt it more???
No cheating now. But she's got a foot out the door. She doesn't see a way back to passion, but i know there can be. Best friends is a good start ,i think. But sex and feeling connected sexually is very important. But how can i get her to understand that there is a way back?? How. and what do i do right now so as to not inflame the situation and hurt it more???
Exactly what DownNotOut said.
Stop initiating relationship discussion. Don't try to talk her into staying, or recognizing the importance of the marriage, etc., etc. That is considered "pursuing", and if you try to pursue a wayward spouse it pushes them farther away.
Work on reclaiming a positive mental attitude. Try spending time away from the house.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Usually the first thing a person can do is cease all relationship talks. More than likely you can't "get" her to understand anything. The more you talk, the worst it will get. If you guys are having big battles/discussions/arguements, stop, then you go out and do something manly by yourself.
What was happening when she DID feel connected? How were you acting then. Why were you more sexy back then?
We still need more info but usually the first step, assuming there is no affair, and I am not convinced there isn't, is getting away from the other person a little to let things settle down and the air clear. Then, try to think about what was happening when "it" was happening.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
hard to lay low. we had this conversation 2 hours ago and i'm sick. I'm sure she'll ask me to go to the gym a little later on.How do i do that in light of what she said about no sexual attraction to me now. ??
she used to initiate and seemed to be ok with it. A few times over the years she Did say it would be nice for me to be more aggressive. In retro, i could and should have been. But that is past. And right now i don't think trying to initiate sex is any answer. How do i make some distance right now.? It's just the two of us...kid in college.
So you go and work out with her. Throw around more iron than you have in a while. Take it out on the weights. Be pleasant, upbeat. How do you do it? You just do it. You're here asking what you need to do. Go to the gym with her and have no R talks. If you think you can't do that, have her go to the gym herself. Don't tell her why, just tell her you're going to go out by yourself for a while tonight. Leave her guessing a bit.
How do you make some distance? Go bowling with the guys. Go jogging, go Christmas shopping, change the oil in your car, there are a million things a man can do on his own. Just stop talking and start smiling. It is hard but you can do it.
You need to relax. That needs to be your first goal. Take some deep breaths, mellow out. How about you go to the library and check out Divorce Busting. Read that at StarBucks.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
will try...i already read DB and Divorce Remedy. I'm frustrated because i love this woman and she loves me, but doesn't think there's a path back to sexual fulfillment.I think there is if both want to see it happen.
