I read something interesting which said that for some women, the normal patern of desire, then foreplay to cause arousal, then intercourse is not how they operate. This other small group of women have no desire for sex, until after they have had foreplay and are physically aroused. Then and only then do they want to complete the sex act. For these women, they have to start to have sex, before they can experience a desire to have sex. For them once the act is completed they again have no desire to have sex until they are in the middle of it. For them it is difficult to express sexuality unless it is as an act of devotion, submission or gift to their husbands. It is my hope to gradually find out, if this is how my wife feels about sex.
Young, that is absolutely true. Actually, a lot of the experts are now debating whether the "normal" pattern is the normal pattern after all. It's deeply frustrating as the HD spouse, because when you get your wife to "give you a chance," she turns on and has a fantastic time--but it doesn't matter how good it is, the next day she's right back to starving you out. You can't understand how she could be such a wildcat on these rare occasions and such an ice queen the rest of the time. But, if you happen to find out about this theory and you can convince her to follow Dr. Davis' advice and "just do it," she can be shocked at the difference it makes. My wife does this quite a bit now . . . I know she hasn't found the libido for the amount of lovemaking we do now, but she trusts that if she takes a hot shower, comes to bed, and accepts stimulation with an open mind, she won't have to "just do it" or "fake it" for more than a minute or two.
That doesn't go for everyone, of course. If Oldtimer is right, and SSMguy's wife's trauma is such that the pleasure itself repulses her, she's not going to make things better by playing along. But a lot of women are in that cycle--they don't want to have sex because they aren't aroused. The only way they get aroused is by having sex, but they don't want to have sex, because they aren't aroused, but the only way they get aroused . . . .
The hard part of that solution is convincing your spouse that it's real and not just a ploy on your part to have sex that only you enjoy. I actually figured this out in a dim way years ago, and suggested many times that if she would just relax and keep an open mind, I'd make sure she enjoyed the night. She even did it a few times, with great results, but for the most part she didn't trust it. I think she figured I was willing to have any sex I could get, including tricking an unwilling woman into having pleasureless sex with me. It took reading the SSM book to make her give it another chance; I guess she figured that if I'd talked some stranger into writing a self-help book just to trick her into having sex with me, I deserved a night of passion.
SSMGuy, I'm not trying to hijack your conversation with Cyrena . . . . she really seems to have a lot of help to offer you. I hope things are starting to make more sense. If they're not, just keep going.
