Well, you have told him how you feel and what you need.
He sounds very depressed to me -
Originally Posted By: Kalni
He said he "was thinking about it but...didnt do anything".
That kind of lack of motivation, lack of enthusiasm for many things in life, managing to just have enough energy for work and nothing left over, was how I was after the bomb.
But that is his problem, and you can't fix it for him.
You told him, good for you.
I sense a little hidden hurt on his part - that he perceived you didn't do anything. Maybe he decided not do do whatever he was planning because he didn't think you had gotten him something and was following your lead?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
The pain, anger and frustration in your last post can be felt through the screen. My fingertips are burning trying to type this!
Would you say that you are done? Finito? Over? Could he still make a move toward you and take some real action that would change your thoughts toward him?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
The most frustrating part is that just as sandy and some others here told me, he never says no, or I wont do that, or I dont want to do that, or I dont feel that. He always tells me YES, yes you are right, yes now I see, yes I know how you feel, yes we need time, yes I have no complaints, like today, he said he appreciates more than anything the chance I am giving him and he sees the meaning in it.
I've been thinking boundaries and going back to happy ole maria where he cant touch me anymore. But to do that, in my book means I detach completely and I stop feeling positive feelings for him. I cant define clearly the 2. I think detachement is good when you are "standing" but it is exactly what I am supposed to fight while trying to reconcile.
I know that is my "bad", but I am not so...mature to be successful with that distinction. My BGF, told me to sizzle him, play games, not allow him in the house, make him beg.
I would if I agreed but that just aint my style. I am more a straight forwrad person, I hate games and many times in the past this lack of "gaming" has been a issue for my Rs in general.
Even at work, like I would never say yes to a boss if I didnt agree only to gain something later on. I dont know if I explain it wel enough in English but that quality I am missing. And that is exactly why this deceit has been so hurtful. I always thought he wasnt capable of so many mind games and even more so, on my expense.
Anyway, I digress. Bottom line is I cant be playing the famme fatale or the "you will pay now "MFer", I'll make you beg" since we are supposed to be on the same wave length.
Even my C told me once, I should hide more things from people. Manipulate is the word?
Today I told him some cruel words. Like that he is cake eating, we are his time fillers ("fillerakia" is the greeklish word we used in TV trying to fill the time between programmes when the advertsisng wasnt enough". He gives us the time he can afford as long as we dont disrupt his schedule. NOt 100% true but very close.
I discussed D. Now I have to stick by it. Not because of pride. Because there is no way he will "get it" with any other way.
I couldnt believe my ears when he said "I realised now how much I hurt you yesterday" as if he had no clue!!! Is that possible? K
He doesn't know the rules while reconciling/trying to R. He knows the M rules - you get gifts. He knows the single rules - you don't get gifts. But you are in between.
He didn't know what you wanted. And he didn't know what you would do - i.e. if you would get him a gift. And if I remember correctly, you didn't talk to him in advance about doing anything or exchanging gifts.
Hell, he may not know if you consider your A to be your "real A" anymore because of all the crap that has happened over the last few years.
Now that you have communicated that to him though, I hope he comes thru with flowers or something sparkly!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle, we spent a session in MC on Dec 10th 2008, talking about why he should have "risked" to do something, anything the day before. He then said "he got it", a year later, the same crap...
I had prepared something, a cooking lesson for us with a famous chef here that I had to cancel because he was working. I mentioned it to him, just didnt say why I had it arranged.
I also ordered something for me to wear (a symbolic jewelery) that I wore yesterday that he would have to see me to see it. I cant be TELLING him I am doing something when it is a surprise. And what about him FEELING he wanted to do something to aknowledge the day? Like leave a note saying "sorry or I love you", I mean that doenst need to be accepted, right? You just do it! K
I am sorry you are having to deal with this disappointment from him. I am going to hope for your sake that he is just a very clueless man right now and the oversight was not intentional on his part.
IMO, he needs to start responding to you with ACTIONS, not words. He needs to make the MOST of this second opportunity you have given to him. I hope you have woken him up.
Why do we keep making excuses for this man? He is obviously a smart intelligent man that KNOWS how to date someone. He's not a dipshit in that arena. He did it with Kalni in the beginning and he did it with OW (sorry K) but I just have to say these are all just BS excuses as to why this man can't even freaking buy an anniversary gift or ML to his wife. Usually the person that got the short end of the stick has the problem with sex not the other way around.
I am sorry these just seem like weak excuses that go round and round. There is no rhyme, there is no reason. This is who he has become for whatever reason. It doesn't mean he can't/couldn't change but the fact is.... he is not changing. Oh, he's said some things that sound good but doesn't follow thru. He's lack of time bothers me.... he had time to do other things before now why can't he have that time to spend with his family.
I smell a rat! Your right K in that he doesnt' act like he is that into you. I think he doesn't like hurting you. That's what he is protecting you.
I am sorry if this is harsh... it's not meant to be and it's only my opinion and thoughts.
I would love to see this man step up!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I am sorry about all this. For him to say that you are blowing this out of proportion in your head (or something like that)just blows me away. Let's rewind shall we...I have been having an affair for 3 years, i get caught, i try to slowly reconcile, i do not make love to my wife (or even try), i ignore her requests to be more "open" (letter/passwords etc) and finally i do not get her anything for our anniversary. Wow.....if this was a movie, it would have to be in the science fiction section because the main character (your H) would be from another planet.
In the past, I always gave your H the benefit of the doubt...not sure why. Then you produced the proof of his affair and i lost respect for him. You decided that he was worth it so I again (against my better judgement) started to give him the benefit of the doubt. Everytime I felt like writing something negative, i held back. Is it possible that Maria is too honest with him...too in your face....too hung up on the past and the OW? Is it spooking him out? Which brings us to the anniversary...how much "work" is it to call a florist and give him your credit card number? What do u want the note to say mr. Kalni? Oh I don't know...you are my only one....ah...maybe thanks for giving me another chance...ahhhh....i can't believe i almost threw the best thing that ever happened to me away...ah..i am sorry i put you through all this..... I can go on all night...granted some of these are not very good, however, they are better than ...........they are better than.......they are better than nothing.
So, when I read some of the ladies saying stuff like "He is not doing the work and he hasn't done the work in years.", hell this is not even WORK...this is just "normal". Or "He didn't know what you wanted. And he didn't know what you would do - i.e. if you would get him a gift. And if I remember correctly, you didn't talk to him in advance about doing anything or exchanging gifts." Come on, even if your wife says we are not exchanging gifts this Christmas (for example), you still get her something. Every Man on the planet knows that!
So, maybe I am over reacting as well...after all, he is not the first man in the world to have forgotten an anniversary gift...oh yeah he did not forget, he remembered the date but just did not bother getting some flowers. Meanwhile, you booked a chef and bought some jewelry.....well, for what it is worth, he is no longer getting the benefit of the doubt from me.
You do what you have to do to find happiness Maria. You know what you need and you know what he brings to the table.
From where I am sitting, you deserve alot more than what you have been receiving lately. Most of us on here do. The quicker we come to terms with what we want and what the other party can bring to the dance, the better.
