You asked me in another thread to comment on all the updates you have made. While ignoring that request would be rude on my part I am not sure there is much else to say that has not been said ad nauseum to you since I joined this site.
You must detach. And detaching is not just about acting like you don't give a flying fig when you talk/see/spend time with your W, it's about adopting that mindset 110% of the time. You have been separated for quite some time and really should be much further along than you are. BUT you are your own worse enemy when it comes to making progress.
No more justifications, excuses or explanations. Stop analyzing every little thing and redirect your energy towards something better. Your W does not want to be married to you at this time and perhaps never again. She is involved with other men.
I agree with the other posters that you come across as very needy. The constant wondering, the way you crumble around your W, the way you cling to one good exchange and quite simple the way you present yourself is the very definition of neediness.
The post you made about the day you spent together as a family for your daughter's b-day was all about you and your W with only a brief mention of your children. You said it felt like "old times" and I am stunned you can regress in that way. Did "old times" include you and your W going to separate homes, exchanging the children weekly and your W sleeping w/other men?
I was also stunned you simply handed your phone over to your W for her to examine. Had that been me I would have said in a flirty and commanding way "Oh,I don't let just *anyone* see my phone, that's private" winked at her and walked away like I was the sexiest person on the planet. If she asked again I would have come back with a response such as "sure, babe, you can scroll through my phone while I scroll through yours" and again, walked away in a fashion nobody would soon forget!
If she wants to check out the droid tell her to go to the phone store and have a look. What an opportunity you missed out on! You could have said "sure babe, we can check out the Droid, I will pick you up tomorrow at 8 and take you to the phone store to check it out!" Chances are she would have shot you down but once again it may have shown her that you don't just do what she asks when she asks.
You gave her way too much info about the apartment and should have said "when I decide I will let you know!".
Lastly, why did you listen to her ramble on and on about her potential new jobs? As per the IM exchange you posted just a bit ago she clearly does not care about your job as she essentially scolded and bossed you around for having to work late on a project that had no solid timeline for completion. Instead of standing up to her and saying "W, I understand me being unable to provide you with an exact time is difficult at this moment I do not have a firm time as to when I will be done with my project deadline. In the future please respect my time when I am working and I will touch base with you within the hour to update my availability"
Instead you answered with "understood" as if she was a commander and you a mere peon. Needy, not attractive and it makes you sound like a wimp. Sorry to be blunt but your remind me of my H and he is so wimpy it's almost pitiful.
Also, you said she wish she would just be upfront about what she is doing (OM) yet I doubt you were upfront with her about meeting a hooker, the girl at the bar and this other lady you thought was the bees knees. You are SEPARATED therefore stop wishing and live your life. You expect her to do things you don't do.
I don't care if you stand, starve yourself, chant, use voodoo dolls or whatever the theme of the week is - DETACH and stop letting this woman steam roll you and boss you around like she does. Stop reading into EVERYTHING and pretend she doesn't exist unless it's about parenting.
CG...great post! I think you were talking to me too!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
"It was purely emotion for a temporary period of time."
Actually I think this admission is a great way to show how you have actually changed.
The fact that you recognize that it was emotional and didn't let it get physical is a good step in the right direction. It showed that maybe you're starting to understand how you don't need someone to make you happy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You asked me in another thread to comment on all the updates you have made. While ignoring that request would be rude on my part I am not sure there is much else to say that has not been said ad nauseum to you since I joined this site.
I appreciate that.
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You must detach. And detaching is not just about acting like you don't give a flying fig when you talk/see/spend time with your W, it's about adopting that mindset 110% of the time. You have been separated for quite some time and really should be much further along than you are. BUT you are your own worse enemy when it comes to making progress.
Ya, at times I feel like I am moving in the right direction, and then something last night triggers something in me again.
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No more justifications, excuses or explanations. Stop analyzing every little thing and redirect your energy towards something better. Your W does not want to be married to you at this time and perhaps never again. She is involved with other men.
I agree with you. I shouldn’t have analyzed it at all. It hurt somewhat, but that is because I let it hurt me by thinking about it.
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I agree with the other posters that you come across as very needy. The constant wondering, the way you crumble around your W, the way you cling to one good exchange and quite simple the way you present yourself is the very definition of neediness.
The more I thought about the birthday party, I started thinking I did also. What I presumed to be excitement probably came across as neediness.
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The post you made about the day you spent together as a family for your daughter's b-day was all about you and your W with only a brief mention of your children. You said it felt like "old times" and I am stunned you can regress in that way. Did "old times" include you and your W going to separate homes, exchanging the children weekly and your W sleeping w/other men?
No, it didn’t. Good point.
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I was also stunned you simply handed your phone over to your W for her to examine. Had that been me I would have said in a flirty and commanding way "Oh,I don't let just *anyone* see my phone, that's private" winked at her and walked away like I was the sexiest person on the planet. If she asked again I would have come back with a response such as "sure, babe, you can scroll through my phone while I scroll through yours" and again, walked away in a fashion nobody would soon forget!
If she wants to check out the droid tell her to go to the phone store and have a look. What an opportunity you missed out on! You could have said "sure babe, we can check out the Droid, I will pick you up tomorrow at 8 and take you to the phone store to check it out!" Chances are she would have shot you down but once again it may have shown her that you don't just do what she asks when she asks.
I was so excited about the droid and wanted to show her. But how you say I should have done it would have been far better. I wish I would have thought of that instead of just jumping at my excitement.
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You gave her way too much info about the apartment and should have said "when I decide I will let you know!".
I have a tendacy to talk to much around her. I just get so excited and hopeful when things aren’t tensious. I need to keep my feelings under control and guarded.
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Lastly, why did you listen to her ramble on and on about her potential new jobs?
I don’t know. I hate hearing about her prospects as they are always fabulous sounding and she would never have been in this position to live the life she is now had I not stupidly past on that one job to her and if I had just taken the opportunity myself.
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As per the IM exchange you posted just a bit ago she clearly does not care about your job as she essentially scolded and bossed you around for having to work late on a project that had no solid timeline for completion. Instead of standing up to her and saying "W, I understand me being unable to provide you with an exact time is difficult at this moment I do not have a firm time as to when I will be done with my project deadline. In the future please respect my time when I am working and I will touch base with you within the hour to update my availability"
Instead you answered with "understood" as if she was a commander and you a mere peon. Needy, not attractive and it makes you sound like a wimp. Sorry to be blunt but your remind me of my H and he is so wimpy it's almost pitiful.
She wasn’t yelling at me for working late. I think she was yelling at me for the possibility of me intereferring with her plans for her “friends” or my real thought “OM” being at the house with her.
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Also, you said she wish she would just be upfront about what she is doing (OM) yet I doubt you were upfront with her about meeting a hooker, the girl at the bar and this other lady you thought was the bees knees. You are SEPARATED therefore stop wishing and live your life. You expect her to do things you don't do.
Ok, first, I was sitting at a place alone and a hooker approached me. I did not approach her or proceed to be with her. I got rid of her rather quickly. True with regard to the girl at the bar and the other girl though.
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I don't care if you stand, starve yourself, chant, use voodoo dolls or whatever the theme of the week is - DETACH and stop letting this woman steam roll you and boss you around like she does. Stop reading into EVERYTHING and pretend she doesn't exist unless it's about parenting.
I honestly think I have gotten a little better here, but I backslid last night with regards to my thoughts and emotions.
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What do you think about that?
As usual, I think it is excellent and applicable and what I need to continue to try doing. Thank you for responding and taking the time and effort to post what you did to me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kev, I don't think I've ever seen such an active thread in my 2 years on this board. Your sitch really stirs people up!
This is a lot of progress, I can see from just skimming the developments. Keep it up!
Sometimes it helps me to go back and read my old threads. Might help you also, but yours are much longer.
Sorry I missed the message about Tuesday night. Still definitely want to meet you sometime. I'll send you an e-mail later.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Kev, I don't think I've ever seen such an active thread in my 2 years on this board. Your sitch really stirs people up!
That's because he hems and haws and "backslides" and generally ignores advice that he doesn't want to hear.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
That's because he hems and haws and "backslides" and generally ignores advice that he doesn't want to hear.
Backslide, yes. Ignore, no.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Sorry I missed the message about Tuesday night. Still definitely want to meet you sometime. I'll send you an e-mail later.
Sounds great Jon2911. Looking forward to it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
