Sometimes I'm really not sure what the concept of letting go entails. STBX and I don't call each other to chat but we do ask favours of each other. We, the odd time, confide in each other about personal situations but not often. We parent our children together, have the odd family meal together and still, when practical, have family birthdays etc together. She's still considered part of my parents family and is therefore invited to events e.g. Thanksgiving and, of course, if I asked that she not be invited she wouldn't be. I don't sit around thinking about her or thinking about how to re-ignite the R. I've lived pretty independently of her for along time. Granted, the last few months we've been friendlier but I see that as a plus for all involved not as some stone around my neck that I need to get rid of to move on. In the two years I've been separated I have done a great deal to build a new life for myself socially. I'm not unhappy. So, I do understand that the attachement between STBX and I is a bit on the odd side as most ex's don't do what we do but does it cause me anxiety? I don't think so. My anxiety comes from having been hit with something that I couldn't control which aparently brought back all the times in the past where I lived without feeling control. But, who really knows, I guess that's what the therapy will help me figure out! Thanks for your thoughts OT.
Ah, well, perhaps that's why you've seemed rather stuck in a holding pattern. Perhaps the yet another uncontrollable thing tipped the balance beyond the bearable, so you'll wind up breaking out of the holding pattern.
Yes, I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity that has been given to me to strengthen myself and heal some wounds. By doing so, I can push forward to whatever the next stage will be. I'm trusting that the Lord has put me in this place right now for a reason. There's something He wants me to learn and therefore become a better, healthier human being. Time will tell!
I can suggest two books that might help you. One is Happy at Last by Richard O'Connor. The other is Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Both are most excellent and will remind you that you are not alone in your struggles. There is brain research that will tell you to be grateful for this and every day as practice. You are doing well. Wonder
Thanks Wonder! Today was one of those trying days. I got a dazzling four hours sleep last night, met my woman friend for coffee this morning, hit the mall with my girls for Christmas shopping and tonight put up the Christmas tree. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday where we will discuss this AD thing! Since I've been taking low dose AD's my sleeping is worse. I average about five hours per night unless I take a Lorazepam before bed. I don't take them unless I've had a couple of poor nights in a row. But, the reality is, I don't need the AD's so badly that I can put up with insomnia. My worst times come when I'm lacking sleep. I've had some issues with sleep ever since that never ending virus hit me but it's worse since I started the AD's. I talked to the Pharmacist the other day and asked her whether I could take the AD in the morning rather than the evening to see if that made a difference. We worked out a plan but I'm still not sleeping well. Pharmacist says that these AD's can create insomnia in some people (I looked it up and it's about 12%). So I may ditch these things after talking to my doctor. I talked to my woman friend today and she's apparently on the same AD's as me but she takes eight times what I do and sleeps fine! She has the opposite problem to me, I can fall asleep instantly but wake up after four or five hours whereas she can't fall asleep but once she does she can sleep endlessly. Anyway, when I'm not getting a decent sleep it's very difficult to re-direct my thinking and stop the stupid, obsessive stuff. So, that's where Whatis is today. Tonight I take a Lorazepam and sleep my butt off...that's the plan anyway and I will hopefully be more myself in the morning. I just needed to vent guys.
Yes, it's true, it's time again for the Whatis update! Well, I'm off the AD's and have felt great the past three days, go figure. Dr said "do whatever you want" and that's what I like to hear, so I did. he did prescribe a new AD for me which he said would be more sedating at night as my present AD's were causing me to wake up eary in the a.m. and wearing me out. So, if my three day return to the land of the living doesn't pan out then I have these to try if I choose. It could be that the five weeks I was on the low dose of AD's was enough to give my system a bit of a rest. I guess we shall see. It's been a rough six months. Just to recap for the fans out there, I had a virus for three and a half months on and off, then my best firends wife left him, then my next best friend virtually had a breakdown, then my brother lost his job, next came D deciding this was the perfect time to start having sex with her boyfiriend, then STBX's mother needed heart surgery and STBX had to fly to China for two and half weeks leaving me with the girls full time, and finally I got stomach flu. Wow, it's been about two weeks now with no crisis! I guess I'll just have to worry about having nothing to worry about. Tonight I see the therapist and I'm going to ask her what it is I'm supposed to get in touch with and how the heck I'm supposed to do it. One of my friends said "what if you get in touch with your feelings and you don't like them?" and my brother said "I thought you're supposed to suck up feelings and then get drunk" Yes, I've got great advisors on my side, don't I. Later Dbers, I think I'm about to have a feeling.
All humour aside, I met with the therapist the other night and what keeps cropping up for me is the trust issue with others. The never ending virus made me feel weak and vulnerable and all the stuff from the past few years raised its ugly head. The first year or so of separation I was like a soldier heading out to battle, I thought about what I had to do and did it. I tried to build a healthy life but therapist thinks I didn't grieve enough for what I lost. Trust was one thing I lost! When I connect with people there are little voices inside that say "when is this person gonna knock the pins out from under you?" "do you think this person is really genuine or are they just being nice". Therapist mentioned how hard it is for separate/divorced people because the pain is still very real but others outside of it really can't fathom the depths of it. There's the internal feeling that "you should be over this" but you're not. It's a struggle. Although I have much to be grateful for at Christmas there is still a tremendous loss involved in the season. I talked to STBX today and felt sad as she was out Christmas shopping with my girls and I wasn't there. Sometimes it's just the small things that make you want to sit down and cry...and therapist says I should! It's called healing not failing. Anyway, today I finished up my Christmas shopping, picked up the wrapping paper and some stocking stuffers for the kids and now have the afternoon and evening to kill/enjoy. Have a great day DBers
I'm closing this baby down as per moderators instructions! I've been waiting to be shut down and it never came. So come visit me at my new pay per view thread "Year 3: The long and winding road" (If it fits, I'll take a chance!) If you drop by and say hi I'll wave the viewing fees
