Pup- thanks, you know I always love hearing your advice and strange enough getting your approval - and I don't even know you. I bought a book on boundaries that I've been trying to learn about b/c I think I struggle with that a lot but strong boundaries is absolutely needed here. I need to find a good way of setting strong boundaries but not coming off like I'm trying to control him b/c I know he will resist and make it stronger. But then I just love what my book says that boundaries is not about controlling the other person its about controlling you and setting your limits. So it's all work in progress.
Being- I am 100% with you and that's something H and I have been talking about. The difficulty is that even we don't know how to figure it out b/c I know for sure I don't want them all cozy like a family but I know he will need to bond with the new baby, and ow is set on not having them come to our house. He's been fighting with her about that for several days. She absolutely doesn't want them to have anything to do with me. I know its a tactic but that's the one she's using and frankly it is in her control in a way. I've told H no that the kids are 50% his as well, but he said he just doesn't want to fight with her about it. He's been taking them to his mother's place, so I figured I guess that's a good middle ground since she doesn't mind them being there. But that really shouldn't be the case. I know what ow would just love is for him to be there with them all cozy as a family. To be honest, sometimes when I even think of all these details in my sitch I even get overwhelmed. It's so much to figure out and so complicated. H is extremely overwhelmed himself with a situation he has created so my sympathy only goes so far. He's mentioned can't he just run away, but I said no - you know you can't do that your conscious won't let you. Anyway, so the visitation thing is definitely something we're trying to figure out and we have to put a plan in place pronto b/c it will only get harder once this baby comes along. To be honest, I was thinking that one of my tactics is really to be very supportive of H having a relationship with his kids (this is a 180 for me - I was in denial before), which is something he needs and then have her act a fool.
Hey, I had an insight this morning that I wanted to share, you know how psychologist say that we find partners who are like are parents and we create situations in our lives to correct childhood mistakes and hurt. So I was thinking about H's parents... H's father is very quiet and passive and his mother is definitely the controller and head of the household. His father three children prior to marrying his mother. But his father didn't maintain a relationship with the children. H's half brother died when h was young and h remembers seeing his father crying all alone. He woudl always bring up this incident. He would say that I don't care about his son and if anything happens to him he is the only one that will feel hurt. So h and his mother don't have a great relationship and in many ways, I think he blames his mother and thinks she prevented the father from having a relationship with his kids. I think no I know my h was out to prove a point that I'm not going to control him like his mother controlled his father and that I'm not going to determine whether he has a r with his son or not. All of h's actions says this. Isn't it all facinating the psychology of al these things. Anyway, with that insight, my plan is to prove to H that I don't want to be like his mother, which I must say when I founght against him being with son he resisted even more. So hopefully this insight will do me some good. And I know I have to do like what Michele says and use it with action oriented solutions.
Newmama- I never did get back to you about where we are with having a baby. Well, my life is certainly full of its share of surprises. So a few days prior on the same weekend that I found out H was having another child, my ivf doctor called to say that to my surprise both h and I have sickle cell trait, I never knew I had it in my family, so this was a new obstacle that just came up and to say the least I didn't take it too well either. I cried and cried and cried, and then found out wow h is even having another child. I gotta say I really questioned God's goodness for a while there. So it seems that we will need to do some additional testing to try to prevent havign a child with sickle cell and the test is $4000 and insurance doesn't cover. Another big disappointment. So our plans were derailed. But the bottom line is that we are still going to go forward with trying to have a child. Frankly it is strongly one of my needs no matter who I'm with, and H wants a family as well. So right now we're working on the financing to move forward. H is back home so who knows if this thing between us works out, I won't have to worry about being a single mom, but if that is the case I still think I will be ok, b/c I need children of my own. I refuse to be one of those old women without any children to care for her, it's just sad to me. I have an elderly tenant who has no husband no kids and lives alone with no one really visiting her, just the tv to mainly keep her company. She looks forward to my visits. I refuse to have that be my future. Anyway, will see how it all goes.
I bought a book on boundaries that I've been trying to learn about b/c I think I struggle with that a lot but strong boundaries is absolutely needed here. I need to find a good way of setting strong boundaries but not coming off like I'm trying to control him b/c I know he will resist and make it stronger. But then I just love what my book says that boundaries is not about controlling the other person its about controlling you and setting your limits. So it's all work in progress.
