feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

Ok so here goes..interesting day yesterday. I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach and I feel like lying in bed all day with the covers over my head BUT I force myself to go see a friend and get outta the house.

I send him an email with the subject line I KNOW...then I say, "I have been a patient and understanding wife but it seems you do not have OUR best interests at hand. Think HARD about what you are doing! and he didn't respond right away.

He text me, I'm going to lunch and I didn't like your email and what you are insinuating in it...It seems like you just wanna fight and I'm just not gonna do it."
I respond to him saying, "I dont want to fight either I just needed to let you know.


He leaves work exactly on time and calls me says, "I'm leaving now...pauses is everything ok?" not in a caring tone but just feeling around. I found it very strange. Why would he care if everything was ok when he has been telling me he doesn't care about anything anymore? dude! pick a side and stick with it!

On the drive home I got some pearls (balls) thinking I don't deserve this. I have been miserable and I cant allow someone to have that much power of me. I can't control what he does and if he chooses not to love me and leave me, then I why would I want someone like that? I think I am just going to ask him point blank I need to know. I'm going home to find the right time and talk to him.

I decide to not be there when he gets home and come in a little later. He calls me says, "where are you?" I said, "be home soon" he asked bout dinner I said I'll handle it. I come in and ignore him look busy doing something and he comes to me "what are you doing?" you're acting weird. I say, "no I'm not." I make dinner (something completely different than normal) real quick but it was kinda gourmet yes I am proud so he is actually making an effort to talk to me and I'm like matter of fact and not really paying attention. I serve myself and sit down and he eats and compliments dinner was really good.

I go back and forth thinking I should leave tonight alone and then the affair thing is eating at me and I just had to do it - it was a gamble but I thought he might listen tonight cuz how he is acting. I said come here I have something to ask you. I took him into the back room (not our bedroom cuz he hates to talk in there) and confidently said, "I decided I don't want to live like this and I'm not going to allow you to disrespect me like you have been lately." I said, "what are you up to?" I feel like you are up to something he avidly denied anything (of course) but his behavior was weird (asking if everything was ok? earlier) - was he worried I knew something? and had to back down from his jerk mode? I continued to talk and he listened - didn't storm out or get angry but listened. I told him I loved him and despite what he was going through, and the anger he felt for me, that I am his teammate and I am here for him. He said, "I care about yes and I love you but I'm not happy." I looked as if it didn't phase me even though it stung. I maintained my confident composure throughout our conversation. We talked about 30 mins. I kept it short didn't want it to drag on. I said I'm going to give you the space you need but I want you to know that if I suspect anything going on I will find out not because I'm jealous but because I must protect myself!

We finished the conversation and there was no anger or storming off he actually continued to talk to me in the family room and I said I was tired and he said me too and off we went to bed. He said goodnight - hasn't said that in weeks. This morning he said, "good morning." He initiated conversation and kissed me on the lips goodbye.

GO FIGURE....

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