Coach, I see your point. Believe it or not you are getting through to me.
Last night, it was a mixed bag. She came home early because she did not feel well stating "I am not in a good place". I did not press her to discuss anything. She asked if meeting her in the resturaunt made me feel "uncertain". She said she felt so much uncertainty when I showed up. (see previous post) Guys, this "undertaintly" didn't come from me. I had come fresh from a victorious fight and had alot of swagger in my step. There was not a trace of uncertainty about my demeaner or dress. I told her no it did not feel that way, in fact I felt very good. She then broke off the conversation. I let it go. I think she was dangling it out in front of me for me to pursue. I held the line and moved forward.
Later I approached her on the topic of Christmas. She discussed how she is not into Christmas this year, doesn't want to buy presents(even for our kids), and is not looking forward to it at all. I attempted to validate her feelings and discuss specifics. The conversation tapered off but I lingered. SHe then brought up again things about her work day that made her sad/caused her to be in a "bad place". She said she is centered in herself, but everything around her is up in the air. (This does not appear to be the case from my perpective aftter all something that happened at work caused set her reeling.) She discussed how she is in a transition and everything seemed different. I agreed that things were different. (Maybe this is an over read, but I think I was supposed to say "I haven't changed. You changed. This is all your fault. Please, baby, Please." I didn't. I offered nothing but validating words and said nothing of my feeelings.
Then, she brought up our MC appointment. She said well isn't there a baby sitter?('I may as well go'). I responded yes, I had made child care arrangements but that was all. The availability of a baby sitter is not a help or a hinderance and, she knows, we would not be required to pay if we did not use the sitter. I told her I intended to keep it as an individual appointment, if she wanted to come, that would be fine. (Ok, I said that would be "great"., but not "GREAT!"). Again, a pretty good boundry, eh?
Then, she asked whether I was in IC. I told her that I had met with an IC seperate from our MC to work on some of my issues. She said "Really?". I told her I would not discuss our relationship or my issues, right now. She said she didn't want to talk R, but went on to talk about everyone elses relationships. I let her talk. Then, I simply got up and left the room. (Again, asserting a limitation.)
Later in bed, I told her I was sorry about her work situation that was bothering her. She seemed to begrudingly accept my compassion. Then, after a dramatic pause, I said "Do you want to know what I think about it?" She said yes. I told her that the she was the driving force behind the benefit you are trying to confer on the clients. Then, I added, in my best Forest Gump, "And Thats All I Have To Say About That." To me this said, here is some emotional support with a boundry, take it, leave it.
I successfully set another yet another boundry this morning. I think I have mentioned I have a tendancy to want to solve every problem, big or small. It is my gift, my compulsion and my curse. Anyway, she told me about a logistical problem with running an errand, picking up D11 and making her meetings. I lokked at D11 and told her I would pick her up after school. My wife then reiterated the errand problem. I told her that she would figure it out and left it at that. This stuff may seem small to the observer, but to me it is a big deal given my past proclivity to prove myself indispensible to my wife through fixing things. I left this problem to her. How am I doing?
