Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Also,
been thinking about when I should confront W about OP-if true. Can I get a consesus on if I should wait until after I get into town/wait until after I leave town? Or should I call her after I have the proof? If I do that-she will be at work, and not sure if that is such a good thing to do-I think no on the calling her at work. Not really sure when a good time is, and how to address this, especially when I dont think she will meet me somewhere to talk.

Also,
and I think I asked this before, what should I expect from W, as far as reaction/actions when confronted? Well, besides denial/lies? Knowing my W, she will deny at first, then blame me, then cry, deny again, quiz me to see what I know, then maybe admit. What if she doesn't quit the A? I am definately going to set a boundary for her, and continue investigating, but what then? I am just leaning forward in the foxhole, to try to be one step ahead. Thanks.

As always, takin' it...One Day at a Time

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Let's cross that bridge if/when we come to it, Soldier.

Puppy

[mulesqb]

Mules,
can you give me some insight on what I should inform my boys about what is going on? I want to be the strong, stable Father for them, and don't want to give them too much to deal with.

SD - You really need to read the boys. It's hard for me to tell you because I don't know how much they know already. For me, I tried to shield them from the situation as much as I could for as long as I could. Because of their age differences I had to treat them very differently. My S15 is extremely intelligent and wise beyond his years. He saw what was going on. I just noticed that he was watching me a lot and looking at my reactions all the time. I was very careful not to ever lose my cool in front of him.

I know that I never initiated a conversation about the sitch. If they asked me a question I answered as honestly as possible without going into any detail. I was always conscious of making sure they knew that they were loved by both their mom and dad. I remember someone posting to me here to never speak ill of their mother. The reason is that they are a result of the two of you. No matter how she is acting, their mom is a part of them. If you speak badly about her, you are speaking badly about them, and that will hurt them. It's true. They also need to know that whatever is going on between you and mom, has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Be as honest as you can without going into detail. My XW denied her R with neighbor to their face a thousand times. I stayed out of it. I took the boys away on vacation last Easter. When we came home it was nighttime and we were walking our dog together only to see my XW in the neighbor's house hanging curtains. That was the only time I lost it in front of the boys. They ended up coming out of the house while we were standing out there and I yelled at them and called them garbage for flaunting their R in front of the kids. My boys were scared something was going to happen. I regretted it every minute since it happened.

Even after that my XW denied her R. She denied it to their face and in therapy with them. My boys ended up finding out about her R in the newspaper. Her BF (the neighbor) was shot and killed in his gas station where he worked. MY XW wrote the obituary in the paper and included that he was survived by his GF (my XW). There were then articles in the paper 4 days in a row about it mentioning my XW. That is how my boys learned the truth. So did our entire community. I know my boys appreciated that I didn't get into it with her, didn't bad mouth her. etc..Believe me, it wasn't easy. The point is your boys will always remember this. It is obvious that this is a big event in their life. Make them look up to you. Make them proud of you. Set an example on how to handle adversity with class and dignity. Take the high road. It's important.

You can handle it.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[OnceBurdened]

S.D.,

[OnceBurdened]

S.D.
I don't know how I manage to fat finger that submit button everytime I send you a reply but, sorry.

Mules post was GOLDin my opinion.

I am certain my S & D know about my W's A, they haven't been told by me, but they know. I am to much apart of this community, to much has been said around town, they know.

They know who did wrong and who is right. Your son's know the same. They'll always love their mother and father, that is born in them.

Respect, honor - those are earned and you have them. Keep them and let them strengthen you.

Listen as far as I know your a helluva guy. You stand for your country,freedom,kids,morals, your fightining for your marriage - Give yourself a break.

Your a good dude Brother - Stay strong & focused - you can do this.

[TulsaTime]

SD,

I just want to agree with what everyone is telling you.

Strength and honor. You will handle it.

[SoldierDad]

Puppy - agreed. I will wait until I have whatever it is I have-God give me the Serenity...

mules - solid advice and guidance. I read that last paragraph, and well, I am speechless. My boys are my life, and I will ensure that I am the example for them to follow.

over - you got to get a bigger keyboard my man!!! I am staying strong-there is NO other option.

Tulsa - Thanks, I WILL handle it, no doubt about it.

[Coach]

SD, So while it sucks to be you, there is nobody out there that can handle it but you. Embrace it and thrive. This will make you a better man, father, husband and soldier. FIDO.

Cheers

[MichelleLT]

Hey, checking in with you.

Her actions, and how they differ in timeline from the "typical" situation mean nothing. The speed at which she is moving away could mean reality bites her a$$ earlier and she comes back faster. Or it could mean that she never comes back. Too many variables, too many emotions, it's just gonna give you a headache to think about it.

Focus on what you can control - you. Enjoy the R&R with your boys. Operate under the assumption that if there isn't OP now, there will be (and since you are S and she has filed for D, it won't be an A when she justifies it lol). Someone said a few pages back that most women don't let go of the vine unless they have something else to grab onto - that's most people, look at all the men who have As too. People who are depressed or miserable don't have the guts to leave their stable, if boring and imperfect (or whatever they call it), M unless they have something new and exciting to lure them temporarily out of their funk.

That's a bit meandering, hope you can follow my train of thought.

Hang in there.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on you and the boys.

[SoldierDad]

Coach - I am embracing all of it. I am allowing myself to feel the pain, and process it as best I can. The big kick in the "nuts" is yet to come.

Michelle - thanks for checking in on me. I agree. Even if I tell her I know, she will lie or make up a story to justify whatever it is she is doing. I just have to accept the fact that she is gone. I am going to make the next 2 weeks with my boys, the absolute best I can. Thanks again.