You and I must have been separated at birth my friend! My W's family is celebrating Christmas this Saturday (for the extended family) and I've decided that I'm not going. Tough love I guess. This will be the first time in 13 years that I won't be there. It will be the first time that all of my W's family realize that our marriage is over. No one really knows on her side of the family except the parents. Anyways, my thoughts on this matter are in parallel with your thoughts. I think you're doing great.
I am focusing on self-care and my kids. It's been approximately 9 months since the both of us received our bombs. You and I have worked our butts off trying to become better human beings. And yes...we have improved ourselves quite a bit. However, all of our work has been invisible to our wives. Let's not fool ourselves here. I don't think there is anything we can do to further improve ourselves that will bring back our wives. They are long gone. It has taken me 9 long months to finally figure this out. I accept this fact.
So what's next for us? Do we file for divorce or do we continue to live in limbo? I have gone "somewhat" dark since Thanksgiving, yet being nice, polite, cordial towards my W when she initiates communication. It appears she is doing all of the initiating with higher frequency. Does your wive do the same?
Both of our situation are similar in that we draw our wives back in when we pull away. My W is playing "20 questions" with me. Who am I talking to? Where am I going? When's your vacation? Are you going anywhere? What are you doing on your days off? Is your W doing the same?
Hang in there man!
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Although, she will probably send me pictures of the kids via IM - that way she can "reach out" to me in her mind while not saying anything. Don't worry, I won't bite. I'm not hungry for the crumbs anymore.
The only calls I plan on making will be to talk to the kids in the evenings.
Atta boy!
Think of it ~~~ an entire weekend in YOUR house UNENCUMBERED!! Come and go as YOU please! Projects that YOU want to do! Eat when YOU are hungry! Let the dog up on the sofa with you! And isn't there somewhere YOU've been wanting to go in your BIG CITY but haven't had the chance??!! I know the circumstances are not the greatest but in a way, this weekend is a GIFT you can give YOURSELF.
Cheers ~~~ Greek
Spot on, Greek. And I plan on doing just that - gift to myself. I need to look online to see what is going on around town this weekend.
And while this is not the way I want a free weekend, I will appreciate it and have fun. God knows, I deserve it.
Thanks LFH. There are many similarities in our sitchs, especially the timing, our ages, the lengths of our M's. You know, it seems our ball park ages (us and W's), the length of time of our M's and rough ages of our children are a recurring theme on these boards - I haven't tracked it statistically, but the overwhelming majority of people here seem to be right about our ages, length of M's, etc. Weird, but there has to be something to it.
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No one really knows on her side of the family except the parents.
My in-laws know we are likely getting D'd. But, my W's stance with them is that she will answer any questions, but will not talk to her own parents about "our" private matter. I disagree with this approach and suspect she just doesn't want to have to answer hard questions. One would assume my W's mother, who is on her 2nd M (1st H was NOT a good guy) would be more involved in asking my W about what's going on - if for no other reason than for the best interest of her grandchildren. But, my MIL, while a really nice person, is one of the most unemotional people I have ever met.
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I don't think there is anything we can do to further improve ourselves that will bring back our wives. They are long gone.
Agreed. I think a lot of the DB'ing is a process to get you ready to know the truth. To accept and handle it. And, I accept this truth, that my W no longer wants to be M'd to me. And, I CAN handle it.
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So what's next for us? Do we file for divorce or do we continue to live in limbo?
I don't know where I will end up, but I am sure as he!! getting out of limboland. Can't stay there any longer - it, quite simply, is a slow, painful death. At this point, there are two paths, which I will remain open to: (a) Working on the M or (b) taking the M apart. W has said (a) is not something she is willing to do, so, that leaves (b).
I deserve better (we all do). Funny thing is, W admitted I deserve someone who can love me as recently as this week. Trying to be a martyr? Don't know. Not my problem.
I will get my ducks in a row over the holidays and be prepared to move forward in January. Most likely, mediator. I don't want to push this on the kids during the holidays. They will soon suffer too much as it is.
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Both of our situation are similar in that we draw our wives back in when we pull away. My W is playing "20 questions" with me. Who am I talking to? Where am I going? When's your vacation? Are you going anywhere? What are you doing on your days off? Is your W doing the same?
Not really. She is projecting an image of not caring. Everything is ok unless it infringes on her vision of the future.
She may do this, but I'm not looking for it (not suggesting you are either).
And, I think there is a fine cigar, a filet and a round of golf out there for me this weekend.
I had decided that I would not go with her and the kids to FIL's birthday this weekend - which is out of town. Her response: OK. Did you get a chance to try the muffins I made last night?
That's a odd response. ????? ?? ??? ?? ? - No emotion/numb - Passive aggressive - lost
I bet you don't try any of her new recipes right now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I had decided that I would not go with her and the kids to FIL's birthday this weekend - which is out of town. Her response: OK. Did you get a chance to try the muffins I made last night?
That's a odd response. ????? ?? ??? ?? ? - No emotion/numb - Passive aggressive - lost
She's hiding behind that, Coach. There is plenty of emotion behind that. It's so odd that it's obvious...at least to me.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I had decided that I would not go with her and the kids to FIL's birthday this weekend - which is out of town. Her response: OK. Did you get a chance to try the muffins I made last night?
That's a odd response. ????? ?? ??? ?? ? - No emotion/numb - Passive aggressive - lost
She's hiding behind that, Coach. There is plenty of emotion behind that. It's so odd that it's obvious...at least to me.
Greek
Both of you are right. It is odd.
Coach, like I said earlier, I am no longer hungry for the crumbs she leaves out - both figuratively and literally. So, good call there - no, I dhave no desire to enjoy her baking.
Greek,I DO believe she is hiding behind that response. She's going to have about 7-8 hours each way on her trip to mull that over. Man, it must suck to be her.
She's going to have about 7-8 hours each way on her trip to mull that over. Man, it must suck to be her.
I can promise you that it does. Been there - done that. Greek
I don't doubt you for a moment Greek. But, she sure can play it cool. Admittedly, better than I can at times. She projected an image of absolute indifference this morning.
Remember, though, you said her mother is unemotional, too. Apples don't fall far from the tree. And under stress (which she surely feels unlike any stress she's ever known before), we run to what we know. Mom modeled this for her. No affect. No outward appearance of emotion. In this much trauma, there is no way her indifferent reactions are authentic.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Remember, though, you said her mother is unemotional, too. Apples don't fall far from the tree. And under stress (which she surely feels unlike any stress she's ever known before), we run to what we know. Mom modeled this for her. No affect. No outward appearance of emotion. In this much trauma, there is no way her indifferent reactions are authentic.
Greek
Thanks Greek. I know you are correct. Knowing and believing, however, are sometimes different issues.
The weekend should be interesting.
Oh, and another thing - her birthday is next week. I'm thinking a small gift solely from the kids. I will pick up a cake. No card. You agree? Or am I doing too much?
The resentful side of me remembers our anniversary a few months ago (which is also the day my Dad passed away suddenly). W did not even acknowledge with any words or otherwise, that day. I know, let it go.
