Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

I got up early purposely to have time to read and think before baby woke up.

GAL: I am doing my best there. We get out and do stuff with other mothers and kids quite a bit. I am also busy with my other kids activities. There really isn't any 'me' time partly because of lack of funds and no childcare available that won't cost me. My older kids aren't home until 7 each night they are here. Small town life sucks when you are single as well. Not many single women here.

I am not sure exh's motives yet and that is what scares me. It very well could be holiday family blues and January could be a different story. He has said all of this before and then something happens whether he realizes he cannot make the changes or he gets weak and needs an ego lift.

I only said ILY that one time and its slipped . He hasn't actually said it since nor has he tried to be anything but friendlike in the past day or so. He said he wasn't feeling well yesterday and was sort of distant.

I also don't want to be used. I may be hypersensitive about this but on Tuesday when he was sweet and all I had gone to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for my son. He called while we were there and asked if I would pick up his prescription. Then later that night I was telling him I was going to order this item for my son for Xmas. He said he had some stuff he wanted to order as well and asked if I could order it for him and he would pay me this week. It was like $140! Honestly, I don't mind running errands and such if the motives and intentions are right. I just don't know what to say to him right now. If I act like I really don't want to do that he gets defensive and says 'nevermind'. Then after I ran his errands he is sorta distant yesterday.

I did tell him before that to take advantage of his exwife knowing how she feels about her marriage and family would be a terrible thing to do. We have a child and no matter what we will never be able to walk away from eachother for good, so if he is playing games don't do it with me. His answers are exactly what I want to hear, but I am not so sure yet.

I would love to do the Retrovaille! I have always thought that looked incredible. That would be way down the line for us, but I would love to. Thinking about it though it would be like pulling teeth to get exh there. I could hardly get him in MC before.

I think for now, I am trying to do the friends thing. It will be an inner battle for me to keep the expectations low but its seems to be the safest option.

One thing I did think about...In the past 18 months exh has pretty much done his own thing with other women and his own life. He would have moments where he would try things here and then back off. He would get frustrated if I would ignore him or call him out on his crap and he would say "You have no interest in me or if you wanted to work on us you would speak up" Then when I do show interest he gets sorta freaked out. Make sense? In other words he wanted to hear that I still wanted him, got mad when I didn't right away, but then when I do he is wishy washy.

A mutual friend was over yesterday with her child. We were talking and she said she remembered when we were about to get engaged and he was at thier house and was saying that was what he wanted...a family. A home life. To be happy. He had that. Why does he keep throwing it away?

I don't know. I would love my family back, but I just wonder if he is ever going to be able to be the family man that I need?

Tonight my son has a wrestling match about 2 hours away. Its going to be raining and dark when we come home. He said before he wanted to go with us so we wouldn't drive back alone just baby and I. I mentioned it to him yesterday and he didn't seem like he was real interested. Not going to bring it up again. Its like he has these fleeting moments of being this wonderful family man and then it goes back to crap and selfishness. Hey, I don't need him to go and I didn't ask in the beginning. I am fine and have made it the last 18 months without him. I know that

Thank you so much again 25! Your posts make me think.