I posted the update on my sitch in a "Going Dark" section. My W is the classic WAS. She has been unhappy for a long time, tried to get me/us to goto counseling over the years, I didn't listen, she continued to plea, I didn't listen, she gave up 2 years ago, left me during the summer. Our marriage was "over" 2 days after she left, I realized 2 mths later than I needed to move on. I worked on myself, read books, goto counseling, etc. Then this week we talked and a money wrench was thrown back into the situation. More info at this thread.
If your W is not involved in an EA/PA, and based on the information you have given, I think she is wanting to be romanced. There is a difference in being romantic and pursuing. Yes, romance is a "form" of pursuing, but it is not to be needy, clingy, weak, no self-confidence.....those type of negative pursuits. A man can be romantic and be very desirable, but if he shows these negative traits that I've mentioned....it will turn a woman off. When you said your W apparently wanted you to pursue her when she left you, I think it was in a romantic way.....and not in any non-appealing sense.
Some men do not seem to know how to be romantic and the poor W starves for it. If that is your case, then you need to do some reading up on the subject. When she said she wanted you to "date" her and see how things go......that was your clue.
I know I am saying the opposite of the advice you received from one of the board members on the other thread, but that is what I picked up on that your W is desiring. If you suspect an A, then of course you do not need to romance her, but I did not read enough details about the stitch, to know if you did or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She did not leave me for OM nor is she dating anyone right now. A month or so ago she did admit she dated OM, but after we separated the main intention was to get a D. Finding the line between being clingy/needy and pursing/romancing her is not easy. I dont want to call/txt her to much, but at the same time I dont want her to think I dont care or not thinking about her. You are right though, she wants me to romance her. I feel she has seen that Ive bettered myself the past 4 mths, that I have changed but she hasnt seen it yet. Physically though she has seen me change, Ive lost 63 lbs and started working out. She loves the muscles...lol
What is your opinion on her wanting me to move out so she can have the house for a change? She hates living with the person she is with right now. (a friend)
Last edited by brknheart; 12/05/0911:10 PM.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
What is your opinion on her wanting me to move out so she can have the house for a change? She hates living with the person she is with right now. (a friend)
Her being the one to leave the house is one of the consequences of her bad decisions she's made. Why should you give up your home b/c she doesn't like her room mate? That is very self-centered of her. But not uncommon at all for WAW's. So, be very firm about your stand on the housing situation.
Do you think you could handle in-house separation? Many couples do it due to finances. But if she is dating.....it would be extremely hard, but there would be some "advantages" if the two of you were under the same roof. However, you need to have boundaries set in place and if she can't abide by those, then she needs to stay where she is or find another place.
If she comes back to the house, do not give up your bedroom and especially your bed. She gave that up and should not be treated like she was a queen returning to her throne.
We can talk more about romancing later. It would probably need to be done quite differently living under the same roof (if that came about). Is you house large enough that she would have some personal space? Has she ever hinted that the two of you could live under the same roof and be M separated?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Her being the one to leave the house is one of the consequences of her bad decisions she's made. Why should you give up your home b/c she doesn't like her room mate? That is very self-centered of her. But not uncommon at all for WAW's. So, be very firm about your stand on the housing situation.
Do you think you could handle in-house separation? Many couples do it due to finances. But if she is dating.....it would be extremely hard, but there would be some "advantages" if the two of you were under the same roof. However, you need to have boundaries set in place and if she can't abide by those, then she needs to stay where she is or find another place.
If she comes back to the house, do not give up your bedroom and especially your bed. She gave that up and should not be treated like she was a queen returning to her throne.
We can talk more about romancing later. It would probably need to be done quite differently living under the same roof (if that came about). Is you house large enough that she would have some personal space? Has she ever hinted that the two of you could live under the same roof and be M separated?
I dont think she is trying to be self centered asking me to move out, rather its her way of seeing if I really want to make the M work and be with her. I know it sounds a bit backwards but she can be like that. For example, if I see the clothes hamper filling up and dont offer to wash the clothes, they she would see that as me leaving it for her to do. If I offered to wash them, it shows that I am not leaving it for her and she washes the clothes. For some reason I feel if she saw that I would move out, do what she wants rather than "everything has to be your way", then she may just move back in the house with me. If I stand my ground and say I wont move out, then I would be taking a risk/gamble of not saving the marriage and I would be moving out next month anyway. Yes, she made the decision to move out, to get a divorce, but I have to accept part of the blame for this. Like many WAS, she told me over the years how unhappy she was, how I treated her, etc, I didn't listen. This is the first time we separated and it was a big wakeup call.
Last edited by brknheart; 12/06/0904:35 PM.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
I dont think she is trying to be self centered asking me to move out, rather its her way of seeing if I really want to make the M work and be with her.
IDK.....it just seems like "cake eating" to me. You seem to want to do it. I can tell you this much....a lot of women "work" their H's by telling him if he really wants the M to work then he'll do what she's wanting.
It's been a couple of days since you posted, have you done anything?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I dont think she is trying to be self centered asking me to move out, rather its her way of seeing if I really want to make the M work and be with her.
IDK.....it just seems like "cake eating" to me. You seem to want to do it. I can tell you this much....a lot of women "work" their H's by telling him if he really wants the M to work then he'll do what she's wanting.
It's been a couple of days since you posted, have you done anything?
She is out of town this week, wont see her until Friday. We talk on the phone daily, nice conversation, today the R came up and she ask when I was moving out. She says that she wants to to take me back because she wants me, not because she is lonely and scared. Im confused. She also wants me to do the plans that I had, which was to move to another state for a job. The only reason I was moving to another state is to start a new life, new surroundings, people, etc. I said if we are going to try with our marriage, I want to stay in the same city. She says it would be to easy for her or me to call the other person to come over. Confusing... In the back of my mind I feel like she just wants me to set a date to move out, start preparing, then she can say she doesnt want me to move... woman... no offense
Last edited by brknheart; 12/09/0905:06 AM.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
She's nuts! Has she always had you hopping to whatever she wanted? Have you already told her you would agree to moving out of your house, of does she take it for granted that you will? I just see it as plain crazy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's nuts! Has she always had you hopping to whatever she wanted? Have you already told her you would agree to moving out of your house, of does she take it for granted that you will? I just see it as plain crazy.
Shes always felt that everything had to be my way. A friend thinks she is just saying this stuff (Believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do).
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
