It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I'm thinking of confessing about a one night stand I had w/ a female friend of mine about 5 yrs ago. This is partially due to the fact that I'm fairly sure she had at least an EA, but mostly because I don't want to be the scumbag anymore.

I read all these stories about the lying spouses and I don't want to be that person.

I don't even remember the incident. I blacked out while drinking and woke up after the fact. I never told her because I convinced myself it would damage my W's already low self-esteem. In truth I was a coward.

It will likely quash any bubbling hope of reconciliation, but I don't want to be the lying cheater. I've been thinking seriously about this for the last few days. I also don't want to do this via email or on the phone. I think it should be in person, as I'm very resentful of how much damage she's done w/out ever having the guts to do it in person.

[TooLateForMe]

I may talk to her tonight about it. I have this on my chest now. I've denied it even to myself and it's time to stop being an idiot. I have this long list of stupidity.

Should I do this or should I wait to do it in person? I don't know when I'll see her. Likely the holidays and I don't want to taint that any more than necessary.

[TulsaTime]

Hey Mark E,

Perhaps you should wait for the forum to weigh in on this. What are you trying to accomplish here by doing this? Especially right now, when things are tough.

You say you don't want to be a cheater and a liar, it doesn't change the fact that you WERE these things. Past tense.

What matters is what you are NOW and in the future. Actions, not words. If you've repented of these things, let them go and move forward in your new self.

Think and pray about this and let the wise ones weigh in.

[TooLateForMe]

Thanks, TT.

What I am right now is smarter. I was stupid then and took it all for granted. I don't want to hold onto this anymore. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen or that the reason to keep it from her is because she's too fragile.

Maybe I want a little revenge and if so, I should wait.

[TooLateForMe]

W is being investigated by social services. Aparently, someone filed a complaint that DDs are left alone at night (true, W works overnight) and that there's no food in the apt (W claims it's not true, but there hasn't been every time I've visited). SS doesn't know the whole story.

W goes out most weekends, leaving them alone. When someone does babysit, it's generally her friend, a total pothead. Bedbugs. I had to goad W into taking D13 to the doctor about her back. She's taking some medical steps that I personally don't agree with (and neither did she up until recently, making me wonder if she's gone completely off her rocker). She threatened to cut off all contact IN FRONT OF D13. DDs have missed a lot of school due to illnesses that W has confessed are not serious and that she just doesn't want to fight w/ the girls about it.

I could go on and on.

I'm thinking of talking to SS and explaining my (fairly biased) perspective of W's parenting.

[Lotus]

On the subject of confessing to a one night stand 5 years ago. Don't. It makes no difference. By confessing you will make yourself feel better and your wife feel worse. It's not a nice thing to do. Dumping your guilt on her will not change the facts. If you want forgiveness, forgive yourself.

[TooLateForMe]

Won't do anything to hurt her. I do worry her new lifestyle is affecting the DDs, but telling all this to SS would only make things worse. She'll get her act together eventually and return to being the great person I fell in love with. It may be too late for the M by then.

Somewhere in there is a wonderful woman.

I think much of my angst is based on my rediscovery of my passion for her which can't be expressed. It bottles up and I get resentful. Luckily, I have this forum to spew it all out before it gets to her. I may come across as chaotic and childish but I am supremely grateful I can get it out of my system before I do anything rash.

Thanks to all who have put up w/ my b.s.!

[TooLateForMe]

Going to w's tomorrow to pick up DDs for xmas. Kind of nervous about interaction w/ w. I think I can maintain a calm, upbeat attitude, but I've been feeling a great deal of longing for her of late and don't want to project neediness.

[TooLateForMe]

It's been a blast w/ the DDs. Some sad moments being reminded that W can't be here emotionally or physically. I'm still dreaming about her every night, which sucks when I wake up to reality. I'm missing her a lot lately.

It struck me how much I really do love her and I've resolved to act from that place as opposed to jealousy, fear or anger. Boundaries are important and I'll maintain those. Spending time w/ the DDs has taught me that the greatest pleasures come from making people I love happy and expressing that love.

Merry X-mas, all. I hope your DBing works out!