Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

DBD, you sound strong and confident! I'm glad reading more threads helped you!

Why do you think your WAH is driving poorly? Is he taking medication or using drugs of some kind? As for the TM,I don't think it's weird that he told you something the kids did. Maybe it was his way of saying "You were right--counseling was a good idea."

Has he been acting less like a jerk?

[Day by Day]

Thankfully, I felt stronger this evening. I usually would get very depressed after the kids spend time with WAH, but not today. I really started considering what WAH's situation is and how he can live with himself and felt sorry for him. He's really ruined his reputation, but I guess it doesn't matter.

Oh, WAH sent me another TM telling me to "good night too".

The kids mentioned that he scraped the side of his car and the rims going through the drive-thru with them and they saw the damage. He told them that it was okay and that the other scratch on his car was when he went through the bank drive-thru. So strange--other times I've seen him get upset over minor scratches. I've never known him to use drugs or suspect it, but now, what kind of judge of character am I? I just think his mind is working overtime because he's out of control. But, I also was suspecting OW's ex getting revenge. I know he is searching for him.

It appears that he's being less of a jerk. But, I'm not letting down my guard. And it's not getting my hopes up. I'm working on staying detached. I'm enjoying the feeling actually.

I know he is keeping tabs on our joint acct and might have noticed a charge at the Breast Cancer Ctr. I had mentioned to him that I had a health diagnosis that scared me and I need lots of tests. He wanted to know what it was, but I didn't tell him. Thankfully, those tests were normal. Going through a scare like that also changed my perspective. Gotta take care of myself first, my kids need me!

[newmama]

DBD I am so relieved that your tests were normal!! Scary!

So perhaps your WAH has compassion left after all? That's comforting. Even if he is being dumb at the moment (OW).

Being nice is nice, but you are wise to not let down your guard! I am still holding my breath and my WH has been nice for several weeks now!

[Day by Day]

Thanks newmama.

OW's ex called me to let me know that OW was moved at work to another building away from WAH. Seems that work is doing something about their R. Not that it will stop much.

I am not trusting the niceness. He's got me as a backup plan, if at all. I gotta stay detached. I don't feel any progress in our R. I do feel better about being detached though.

[newmama]

DBD,

That is good news about the OW--less time to spend together for them and when the A ends (if you want to R) you won't have to worry about them working together.

There is no progress toward D though, right?
Wise of you to not trust the niceness!

[Day by Day]

I know I said I was going to do NC w WAH, but I'm feeling ready to work on being nice and showing my best side, being the person he fell in love with without having expectations. Before I wasn't ready myself to communicate properly. I had a lot of resentment and hurt to DB right. I feel I've let those emotions go.

I wrote WAH an email letting him know that I'm registering for next semester's classes and that he had promised to help me to go to school to get back in the workforce. I wished him luck in his classes and trip to school. He avoided that question about him paying for it by asking me questions about what major I changed to and where I will be studying. I'm really trying not to mindread, but I feel he is trying to sound interested to avoid the $ subject. But, I'll play along. I'm going to respond that I'm very excited about my new major and give some details about where and what. I do not trust anything he says. That finally got in my head!

So, I'm just trying to foster good feelings and polite conversation. That's all I'm ready to deal with anyway. Not hoping for more. Don't even know if I want more. That's good, right?

[Day by Day]

Oh please help!! WAH just TM that he wants to know if I've picked out a lawyer for a collaborative approach.

I don't know how to respond!! Please help!!

[newmama]

DO NOT RESPOND YET. All I can tell you that my DB coach said was to "face your fear," "do the opposite of what he would expect" and that divorce takes a long time to complete.

Go onto other people's threads and ask them what you should do! I think maybe "Not yet. When are you picking the kids up?"

or something non D related. Also, DBD, remember that my WH brought it up but hasn't pursued it (YET). I hear the WAS often bring it up--so stay cool, calm, cheerful, collect.

[newmama]

I freaked out the last time WH brought it up but then the very next day went back to being cool, confident, cheerful and have kept it up since.

(the jury's still out though)

Does your WH know you don't want the divorce? I reminded mine of that fact a couple of weeks after he brought it up (but could have done it that same day). I just casually said " You know I don't want the divorce, right?"

[Day by Day]

Thanks newmama. Thanks for calming me with your words. I'm just going to ignore them. He doesn't face me or speak with me, so that'll make it easy. I got more TMs from him asking if I picked out my lawyer yet so we can get on with the collaborative divorce.

Remember how I said that OW was moved to another building? Well, now WAH TM he is being transferred overseas!! Now I know why he's rushing for a divorce. But, OW cannot move her kids out of the state. I am happy to see the co. is doing something to keep them apart. Guess they are worried about a scandal or sexual harassment charges. I don't mind if he moves far away. He needs it and hopefully he will do some thinking. I've got to think this over. I'll need to make sure I get money for CS. <sigh> I guess I might have to file after all.