Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Well. Its wierd. Simple as that. It is so hard to be dark in my own house with my H. It isn't that big ya know...

SIL called this afternoon asking us to go for supper and swimming. As people on the outside obviously think we are back together and happy and fine and dandy. Little do they know...

SIL wants everything back to normal, I can tell, she keeps putting us in awkward situations as to see how we react or I guess how H reacts. Tonight she asked what our Christmas plans are so we can pick a day at Christmas to do that side of the family supper. So H and I look at each other like...ummm. are we a family? I am thinking...hmmm...am I invited to his families for supper? Is that normal? It should be normal as H is home again, but since we haven't discussed our sitch, I don't know! And poor SIL has no idea and asks thinking everything is peachy keen. I dunno. Tough sitch.

I went for supper and swimming as I love swimming with the boys. H is really nice to me, flirting and stuff. We were having a fun argument today, just joking around and he mentions how I could have "had" him this morning. (I went into the spare room to wake him, he asked for a cuddle and "enjoyed" it, so I bolted as it was awkward and I am not giving him anything until he talks to me about R) anyways, i joke back saying ya well it will be the other way around when he sees the new lingerie I bought. He gets soooo paranoid. "What?" "Why did you buy lingerie?" I didn't really answer.

I just wish the man would "man up". I know you're here to stay, as he talks about the future constantly. So talk to me about it, tell me what's going on. So frustrating. I left the house today for a few hours, trying to get out and not be around him constantly and be as dark and carefree and act "as if" as much as possible. Just hard with him in the house and wanting to do "family" stuff together.

H also told me last night that he has my Christmas gift picked out and he said its the best gift he has ever given me. So since when were we buying each other gifts? Since you moved in? Ugh so confusing!!!!

The children are hard to handle sometimes, I think i'm going to go this weekend and buy some good books on parenting through separation. But now H is home so I don't know if its worth it? I dunno....my mind is going to explode!