What I mean is, he THINKS he is the victim. Classic abuser mentality.
Trent you are giving me some very strong words to digest - I am going to have to really think this through.
The only way I know to keep H from S is to file a restraining order and fight for custody in court. Like I said previously, I don't know what my odds are in my state.
Well I'm trying to stay strong and look at the bright side in a cautiously optimistic way. Ever since the MC app. on Monday, H has been so much more calm and decent. Not abusive anyhow and more open. For what it's worth. I'm still cautious.
Tuesday morning went much better - we communicated well and got out the door without him yelling, blaming, making sarcastic remarks, and without me getting emotional. It felt - normal?
Yesterday was H's night off - my night with S. H called after work to "print something" and ended up staying until S's bedtime. Now, I would say that DR would call this a baby step to acknowledge - the calling out of the blue, the staying longer, the openess to talk, etc.
However happy I am about this, I am also guarded. I don't want him to take advantage of me and think he can just swoop by anytime he feels like it. It's my eternal dilemma- am I being "too nice" just to "get him to love me" when I should be setting boundaries, or am I being receptive to movement toward me? Time will tell, I guess.
H also invited me to a Hannukah party at his mom's - better than a few months ago when his mom invited us somewhere and H said "I don't know if you are invited". He has been more chatty and even asked me what I wanted for Christmas!
Well, I made a light joke - I said I don't need any "stuff" = I'd rather have something from the heart - even if it's a snake full of poisonous venom. We laughed.
These all seem positive a la DR and DB, but I'm still watching him like a hawk for the abuse. Staying guarded.
but I'm still watching him like a hawk for the abuse. Staying guarded.
Personally, I think this stance is foolish. You're taking chances with your well-being, and that of your kid.
Abusers don't stop abusing after one session with an MC; if anything, they're good at covering up and playing nice so others don't suspect.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
However happy I am about this, I am also guarded. I don't want him to take advantage of me and think he can just swoop by anytime he feels like it. It's my eternal dilemma- am I being "too nice" just to "get him to love me" when I should be setting boundaries, or am I being receptive to movement toward me? Time will tell, I guess.
I'm still watching him like a hawk for the abuse. Staying guarded.
Ah, walking on eggshells. That is not a fun place to be at all. I wish I had better advice for you but I've been there and see my H acting nice to me at times now but I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's like I know it can only last for so long...
Yes, folks, I know you are right and I appreciate your continued reminders although I am stubbornly trying MC as a last resort.
Spoke with the MC counselor this morning and was pleased to be validated in that the MC saw the hostility, blame, criticism coming from H. He wants to work with H and he is also wanting to work with me not getting triggered and walking away from verbal abuse.
Until then, I will continue to be as protective of myself and my child as possible. I am documenting all abuse so that when/if it oomes to D, I have a record that will protect S to give me more custody. Meanwhile, I am doing better at NC until I have to see H around visits with S.
H trying to bait me for what I can tell. Shows up an hour and a half late, S is waiting, then says to me."Are you going out" and I said I would have told him if I was and that I didn't like the implication that he's trying to get rid of me. He says,'it is always easier for me when you aren't here." I feel furious, trying to not catch the bait.
I say, "You can put S to bed and leave if you like." He says "just wondering if you are going out to bars or smoking cigarettes or something" which is inappropriate in front of a five year old.
Then he has the nerve to say "I"m waiting for the day when you stop bringing these things up in front of S."
I'm not supposed to take the bait - he's trying to get me upset and he's trying to make me so uncomfortable I leave.
You did well not taking the bait. That's exactly what he wants.
But, the comment in front of your S about bar hopping and smoking is way out of line. You need to address that with him - not to be mentioned in front of S b/c in the end, it only hurts S.
