how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[chatterbug]

Girl I hope your doing well. I know I post the most on your thread. But there are many others who are reading along.

[avermont]

I did it!

Just back from this community event at the bar. Got as good looking as I could without being weirdly overly done up.

Went in with a girlfriend. Bartender said she would have my back for me. Met up with some other girlfriends. Chat chat.

Caught him coming in out of the corner of my eye just as bartender gave me a back pat for courage. He went to one side of the bar; I stayed at the other. I felt a little frozen in my corner, but did my best to chit-chat with everyone there.

He did not bring the OW.

After about 50 minutes my tension was building up, but I held it together. After the speeches and into time for mingling, I left.

WHEW!

In a way it would have been good if OW were there, just because I want that encounter to be over with.

But--I did it, I'm OK, because I am on rescue shift I am sober and that's OK, too.

thanks to all who rooted me on through the day!

[TrentC]

Good for you.

[chatterbug]

I knew she would not be there

I am proud of you avermont. How did it feel seeing him? You made it past your first test for yourself. Very good.

Now go completely dark on him.

I think he will wait to see if you were phased. Wait to see if you contact him. Then he will contact you. And when he does. Ignore.

Good for you.

Ahh to be 40 turning on 15....

[avermont]

Well, we are not dark as we have bill-paying meeting next Thursday.

I did suggest that we do it at a local library, as more neutral meeting place. No response to that.

He knew I would be at the event. His email: "how about next Thursday? Planning on going to this event tomorrow" I answered: "Thursday fine. How about library? Yes, it should be an interesting meeting."

I was proud that I just put out there--yeah, I'm going. No questions, no checking in on who is going where.

Now...to tackle that tacky invite from the couple who sponsored the affair. I am tempted to write:
This would almost be funny if it weren't so cruel. But, for obvious reasons I will not be attending this or any other event at your house.

But I know I should leave the first part out, right??

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie,

I am proud of the way you handled the meeting. I attend many events with MsR2C present. The way I control the anxiety is by staying in the present and focusing on everything else but her. I would like to suggest you try that approach in the future.

HUGS

[avermont]

Thanks, thanks.

I know that anxiety is future-based fear, and if I could stay in the present, that would reduce it a lot.

Part of the problem is that a lot of my anxiety is just general spinning--I'm not actually thinking about anything!

But yes, if I could have spent yesterday just thinking moment by moment, the anxiety build up for a lousy 50 minute shared space event would have been a lot less.

Keep the advice on anxiety coming--when I can remember to breathe, it does help!

Funny how now I wish I had been braver and circulated more--I'm sure he never got a glance at my tight jeans and tank top...

Now to see him next Thursday for bill-paying, and then dark again...unless we have to rent the apartment again. Hard to decide if some contact is better than none. At least he can see me looking good and acting cheery.

Thanks for all support!

[rockedworld]

Hey Avermont,
You are doing great!
No, I wouldn't confront the couple who sponsored the A directly. They know. Or, they should, and if they don't it is not worth your time. A polite decline of the invitation is the way you can maintain your integrity and handle things with dignity and class. You are above all of that.

About the anxiety... boy, do I know about that! Still struggle with it, even now in the "piecing" stage. But, breathing is so essential. Also.... "grounding" helps. Anchor your five senses to something... like a cup of tea you can smell, feel the warm cup, taste, feel the steam on your face etc. Drink it intentionally engaging your senses and let your brain just "rest" there for a few minutes. Amazing what that does to calm you for a bit. I also do that with gum or mints when I am out and about.

BTW... look FABULOUS, but not overdone when you meet for finances. Get it done and over with and act like you've got somewhere really important to go.... it will get his attention!

[Ready2Change]

I would like to suggest reading and supporting this thread: Mapel Gal

By supporting others, you support yourself.

[avermont]

I will try the tea idea. I do like a nice cup of tea.

It is so frustrating to be a want-to-be Buddhist. I want nothing more than a calm and focused mind, and I am wired--genetics? family? who knows--to be a mind spinner.

That is not an excuse not to TRY however. Tonight I just kept turning my attention back to the tasks I was working on. Sweeping; grating potatoes. Even if it works for just a few seconds, that is progress.