Question

[ClingingToHope]

Just don't get caught up in an artificial deadline because if things don't play out like you want it will set you wayyyyyyy back.

[awest1217]

Today has been good, but SOOOO cold! It is very windy here, cold, snowy, etc. S did well at the dentist although he didn't get his teeth cleaned due to not being ready to. Then we went Christmas and grocery shopping. I am down to my parents, grandma, and S left. H text me this morning and we had a long texting conversation. He said something about buying a shovel. I said I would since I would be out, but he said not to because he needs to do this on his own. I said that all that will be left when he is done with work is the flimsy shovels, and he said "well that will make me come home quicker. ) I just text back ok. He then said I can tell you are upset and I let him know that I am upset because he keeps hanging my dreams in front of me. Also that he keeps putting down deadlines, like snow, and now he is just getting a shovel and buying window sealing to help with the draftiness in the house he is staying at. Those are things you get when you are planning to stay for a while.

I am not really down or anything. We text all day, and nothing bad has happened. If finished this mornings conversation by saying I can't think about him coming home because it just makes me anxious. Things are going well so I don't want to focus on the bad. Either way I am realistic that he is never coming home. I bought H two gifts from S and one from me today. I also got S two sweaters $5 each. A gift for my S's friend's b-day and one of my nephew's gifts. With pulling names of sibs on my side, I only have a few people to buy for.

[awest1217]

Well...OW is living with H. She is losing her job starting the first of the year and he and she are "worried about how to pay bills". Also he started talking yesterday to the first OW ever. Talked to her online from until 1 am, and text her during the day and talked to her after school. I asked him about it, and he denied everything. I also asked about the Missouri girl, and nothing. Denies he ever talked to her. He then cried when I talked about Christmas because his mom does not ever talk to me any more so I told him to let her know S and I will not be there on Christmas day (we usually do both christmas eve and day). He asked again about Christmas eve and I said I didn't know. I want to go because it is S's first Christmas remembering Christmas and I want to be with him, but I don't want to put on a show for his extended family. Plus his family likes to do family pics on Christmas and I don't know if I should be in it or not. He just cried and said started sulking about how he doesn't deserve presents because he is so bad, but he won't admit to anything because I will just "beat him down". I don't get it.

I have one week...one week. I want to tell him I know everything, but I am just going to have to let it go. One week.

[ClingingToHope]

I forget. What's the one week thing? Anniversary?

Do you think OW has been living with H this whole time?

I feel so bad for you. Things seemed to be going so well and then this.

At least you don't seem to be out of your mind torn up about it.

Stand your ground on Christmas.

[ClingingToHope]

When you get a chance, visit my sitch. I want input on advice from Sandi.

[awest1217]

I sent H a text saying how important the truth is and we will keep on this hamster wheel until he tells me the truth. No reply, which I figured. I am not all broken up because I am used to it. I think she has been living there since the beginning of November so pretty much since he moved out again. Oh well...

On Christmas, I really don't want to go to his family's, but I don't want to give up S on this important time. It is his first Christmas he will remember. I want to be there as much as possible. I don't want to start the "visitation" on that day. Like I said before our anniversary is exactly one week from today. I just want to get through that.

This completely sucks. Once again. Oh well...no happy endings here. Even if he comes home there is so much junk. Oh well...

[Lucky11too]

It’s scary how dreams can speak so much truth, huh, to have that dream and then find out this. So how did you find out OW was living there - did H actually tell you? It's good that you put that out there about the truth b/c if he wants to come home like he said he does, the truth is key! I'm so sorry that's the way it is, but he still has the option to chose you and move past OW and the lies. I know I keep thinking too about how if H does ever come home, there is soooooo much to overcome still. But that is just too overwhelming, so we just need to take it one step at a time...back to those baby steps idea (I hate those b/c I want it all resolved yesterday, but that's how change progresses, in baby steps). A big step for him would be to come clean, so maybe it would be good if the opportunity presents himself to let him know that you will not "beat him down" (and then you in turn would have to not react immeditately if he does tell you or else you prove his point exactly). Just keep your cool and let him know nicely that you need some time to think about what he told you, and then you are in control on how you want to progress with that information. The things he is doing are all deeply rooted so he's not just going to change overnight. Just continue to monitor his results and as he continues to draw to you and S, he should draw away from her. So keep an eye out for the baby steps. But on the other hand, just continue to work on boundardies as you see applicable b/c you don't want him take advantage of you either. Like you said, he needs to stop playing iwth your emotions about coming home, when he's still living with OW. Blah. It's just so hard to know what lines to draw and when. It's like a game and it's all about timing.

Christmas is a difficult one that's sure. Everyone wants to see S and I sure don't want to give up any of my time with S either. It makes it that much more difficult when you don't get along well with your inlaws either. But like you said, your anniversary should be pretty telling of where H is at, so hopefully that will give you some direction as well. And if H does want you to come to Christmas, he better be willing to stand up to his mom for you. Her actions in this have been horrible as well.

Well, I hope today goes better for you. I am impressed with your strength in all this. I know it must have been hard to take. Keep us updated.

[awest1217]

Thank you. I am trying to stay strong and not be mean to H. Showing him that he can tell me things, but at the same time he needs to understand I have a right to get upset, but that does not mean I am going to be mean to him. He is still putting everything back on me and not taking responsibility for his part which drives me nuts. I was reading today and what keeps me strong is my faith. I know I am doing the right thing. Even though it hurts, marriage is sacred as we all believe and I will keep standing (I can't fight anymore too weak) for my marriage no matter what. Even when the New Year rolls in, I will still be standing for my marriage. I am not going to file, but I won't be as accomodating either. I am thinking if things don't change (OW out! not necessarily back home) I will cut ties with me. Just thoughts right now. Still working through it.

I am banking everything on one week from today. It really will let me know where H stands at least. I have a card and I am writing and rewriting what I am going to put in it. The card is a good one (hard to find a card for this situation), but it says simply I believe in our love and nothing more. It is perfect. So now just to put the right things in to say how I feel without pushing him away or pursuing too much.

Tomorrow will probably be pizza at the in-laws, then Saturday at b-day party at Chuck E Cheese. Sunday is church. THen the next week starts again. Monday nothing. Tuesday SYTYCD finale. Wednesday prepare for THursday. Thursday is anniversary. Friday church christmas party. Saturday play practice for S. Sunday H is coming to church to see S in play. The first time since August.

[awest1217]

I just don't get it! This morning my phone goes off...I thought normal good morning text..hope you have a good day...blah blah. Formal nice things, but it wasn't. It was H asking about pizza tonight, which I thought was strange because he had said something to OW about going to a restaurant tonight with his/her former coworkers (I also think she is trying to get her old job back because she is losing hers). Anyway he asked about pizza at the in-laws then said we could go christmas shopping just the two of us. WHAT!?!?!! I don't get it at all. I need some help explaining, if there is anyone out there who was a WAH and having an affair please help me get it. He has one woman living on and off with him, another he just started talking to again that was "the love of his life", and me. I don't get it at all!

Based on a book I am reading, it says to just be nice and draw the cheating spouse back. The more he/she wants to do things, do them and be upbeat (like DB) showing that you are the best choice. I just don't like the constant fighting for my place. I really shouldn't have to, although I understand I do.

I told H I would go and that I am looking forward to it. It is the first time that he has asked me to do anything with just him so I am taking it as a baby step, but What is going through his head?

[awest1217]

Tonight went well! We had fun and no arguing or anything, although OW is still living with H and he text her a few times tonight because 1. he had a migraine and needed her to tell him what kind of medicine he had. 2. he wants her husband to do something things for his brother's christmas present. I just don't know what to think. He again talked about being home and stuff like that, but it hurts so much more every day we get closer, but he leaves to be with her. I just don't get it....or know what to think or do...5 more days.

Still no talk about our anniversary...