A cheated cheater

[TrentC]

You know, for a support system I'm feeling very...judged at the moment. Maybe my wording is ambiguous because you can't see my face or hear my tone of voice.

If there is something that we are misunderstanding, please feel free to clarify.

I do NOT feel like a victim. I have simply accepted that some things happen as a result of other things.

But that's not what you said. What you wrote directly implied that you were taking responsibility for the circumstances that led your husband to cheat on you. (And "things happen" is kind of a cop-out, honestly.)

I didn't say I intend to stand by and not fight back. But I know for a fact that if my H had laid down ultimatums or demanded I go to MC during my A, it would have made the situation worse.

But that was you, not your husband. And you don't really know how you would have reacted if your husband tried to bust your affair, because he didn't. (At least, not from what you've told us.)

I had to come back to our marriage on my own and at my own time. An A is a bit like a rollercoaster - you ride until the end. You know it WILL end, but no one will convince you to get off before it does.

You are not entitled to "ride until the end"; that you believe so shows an amazing level of entitlement (and maybe some lingering feelings about your own affair?).

And some people here have successfully busted an affair, so it is possible to bring the rollercoaster to a halt. If your husband had kicked you to the curb while you were cheating on him, we would have been cheering him on.

DB and DR may have some good ideas; as I haven't had a chance to read them yet I think the criticisms are a bit premature. I also get it that there is a tough love element to getting through this, even from my support system.

Once you have read the books you'll understand where we are coming from.

But this is a process for me and being told that I'm doing it wrong is less than helpful and, I think, incorrect.

I'm sorry you feel that way. But if you expect people here to kiss your forehead, pat your hand and tell you that it's going to be OK and to follow your gut, you are in the wrong place. (And I'm a teddy bear compared to some of the people on here...)

We are not paid counselers and have no official connection to Michele Weiner-Davis, our esteemed hostess. If you want to talk to someone like that, I would recommend the Telephone Coaching section.

If I am to have to defend myself every time I disagree on what is best for me and my marriage, perhaps this is not the best place for me.

You are correct about one thing; if your reaction to the advice you get here is to get defensive, then you will have a hard time getting anywhere. Much of what DB and DR advocate is counter-intuitive and will "feel" wrong to you. But it's recommended because it works.

This is a network of fellow travelers who are choosing to offer help, comfort and advice voluntarily -- many of whom are working on rebuilding or saving our own marriages at the same time.

My advice is worth exactly what you paid for it; if you feel that it's not what you want to hear, then there are plenty of other people I can spend my time with.