Please..I really need some advice!!!

[Ready2Change]

I would like to suggest that you read my input with an open mind. My advise comes from lots of reading (post bomb).

I have posted here without much response.....

Universal Law: Pass out what you want to receive.
Support others and others will support you.

My ex-wife and I have been divorced since October of 08....We separated in May of that year.....She started seeing OM just prior to telling me she was going through with divorce....

Sorry to hear this. We are here to help.

I basically gave up and went along and started seeing people myself.....Actually met a great woman in Feb of this year and just ended that relationship....Could not be completely there for her as I still had feelings for my ex.....

Sounds like a healthy choice.

Ex and I have two boys 13 and 17 and were married 19 years...We split custody of them and stay in contact frequently...We have also hung out at times and had a beer and even kissed a few times

Sounds promising.

....She always backs off and says it can't go any further.....We will stay apart for a while and then hang out some more....We usually get along pretty well...

Next time, you initiate backing off. BE THE FIRST TO LEAVE. This is counter intuitive, but works.

She is still with OM, although they have quit seeing each other several times..

Great. YOU be the better option.

She says he smothers her and she really does not want to have to answer to anyone....I understand that as I feel the same way....

Insight in how you should behave. Reflect it back at her. Show her interest, have fun, but then BACK OFF. Make it APPEAR that she is smothering you BEFORE you smother her. The key to a successful seduction is NOT TO SMOOTHER your target.

It appears though that she can't seem to stay away from him for long, although they are not together nearly as much as they were....

The key right now is to be the better option. Learn patience and listening. Work on being aloof.

she looked at me and said you passed the first test... She said that I had never been that patient while shopping with her...

GREAT. She will put you through many tests. GET READY.

My reply was that I didn't know there would be a test, but first of all, I was enjoying being with her and secondly, she was no longer spending my money....We both laughed at that and went on about our business...

Very good reply. Continue this behavior. Making her laugh was good.

We went and had a nice dinner and a few drinks, at which time she reminded me that this was not a date.....Kind of a buzz killer, but i did not really respond.....

I would like to suggest another possible response: Validate and possibly humor. "Ain't that the truth! It is nice to be able to just go to dinner without all that pressure." If she laughs, it is a good response.

we left and drove home...I was not real talkative and she asked what was wrong...I said nothing, but could sense she was trying to see if she could get me to start an argument....we ahve a history of going out and drinking and then an argument will start....Guess this was another part of the test...she also asked if i had spoken with my GF since the breakup....Just said we had spoken a couple of times since....I did not ask about her and OM and just let it drop....

Good job!

We got to her house and unloaded stuff and then sat on the couch and talked a little.....She got up and went and stood in front of the fire place....She looked more beautiful than i had seen her look in along time....I walked over to her and kissed her and said

"GOODNIGHT!

please don't say no tonight..

NEEDY Do not be needy.

..We kissed again

BE THE FIRST TO WALK AWAY. (Puts you in control) Leave HER wanting more. NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

and then she said I don't want to have sex tonight...

NOW SHE IS IN CONTROL.

She went to the back of the house and I followed her....

DO NOT PURSE. This is weak and needy.

We again kissed and i asked her what the real reason was that we could not have sex....

You are giving her all the control. MAN UP BUDDY.

She said that she felt as if that was all I wanted....I did not know what to say....

Because all you wanted was sex.

I told her that was not the case, but things went downhill from there....

Learn from this and change your behavior in the future.

We wound up in an argument

Is is better to be right or to DO THE RIGHT THING. I would like to suggest that you commit to not arguing with her. (BIG 180) I would also like to suggest that LISTENING and VALIDATION would work much better.

and OM was brought up and I left....

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT MUCH EARLIER.

Next day we spoke and she told me how upset she had gotten after I left....

Good oppertunity for compassion by listening validating and understanding I would like to suggest you keep an eye out for these opportunities in the future.

She said we probably did not need to speak right now except about boys...I agreed.....She said that she had spoken to her aunt that had been divorced from her husband and then they got back together...Said they had a long talk...I was glad to hear that....Ex also made it clear that what she does right now is none of my business....I agreed to this also....She said that she is praying for the right direction and that is where she will go....I have been doing the same...

Sounds promising.

I need some good advice on what to do....I know I made some major mistakes the other night...

We all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them, and make positive changes our behavior. It is harder than h3ll.

I believe we are close to something, but she is not sure it could work....

That is why it is very important to CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS, WORDS and ACTIONS.

Validate her feelings.

I played right into her hand by starting an argument....I wish I had just told her I had enjoyed the day and left before anything else happened...

There will be more chances in the future. DO NOT BEAT YOUR SELF UP. Use the words I wrote to modify your future behavior.

.But I didn't and this is where I'm at now....Please help me....If there is a chance, i don't want to blow it again,

It is important for every interaction to be positive and for you to leave BEFORE there is a chance for negative.

but then again i don't want to be stuck in this rut forever

I would like to suggest you read "The art of seduction". The methods in the book will help draw your X back into your arms.