Your WW is certainly not believing you will stick to the IM and NC! It is HER stuff, SHE was the one who left, who cares if it's too effing inconvienent to go to the next town???
That's what I was thinking. She wants it, she can get it. She had three months, and most of those months she was seeing D HERE, to pick up that stuff. If she had done while she was seeing D here then there would have been NO problems at all (she just had to walk upstairs).
She chose to leave it THREE months!
Quote:
And I bet she is getting pissed at you and retaliating/rebelling with the FB change in relationship and deleting photos!!
I'm not sure about this but I have been thinking about it since you posted.
I have complained about W on here for keeping her old name. People have been telling me it's to normalise, it's to keep what is going on secret, it's because she didn't think about it. She also has her email address as her married name, again people told me it's because she is trying to normalise, not let people know what she's done etc. She has told close friends that he is a lodger, again to keep things secret yada yada yada.
Then she goes and let's everybody know what she's done by going onto Bebo and changing her relationship status, removing all of the stuff about me being the love of her life, taking pictures of me and D down etc. This may not seem a big deal, but she used Bebo a lot to keep in touch with people.
On the one hand she seems to be keeping it quiet by keeping things normal. On the other she is telling everybody about it. Makes no sense. She is also not 'friends' with OM on Bebo but is on FB.
She never really used FB much (as far as I know) and used Bebo instead.
I'm not posting to 'read' into all of this. I'm posting to show the complete lack of continuity in her 'plan'. She is either telling everybody about her new love, or she's keeping it secret. She can't do both!
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
IM to P17: "Wife says she wants you to drop it off to her, that she can't come by my place. Offered her several options, but she turned them all down and is insisting that I give stuff to you, and you get it to her. What do you want me to do?"
P17 to IM: "Not going to happen. I trust you to handle it how you see fit. I certainly wouldn't recommend giving in to her. Sorry you have to deal with her; this is the way she is. Unless it's an emergency, no need to contact me about it -- just handle how you see fit, I trust you and you have my support."
END
P, it does absolutely no good to have an intermediary, if you're going to just go back and forth with them about every single communication from your wife. Unless it involves the kids (in which case you can respond in a timely manner), or an emergency (in which case IM should contact you immediately), you are not to be bothered. That's the whole point of an intermediary!
IM to P17: "Wife says she wants you to drop it off to her, that she can't come by my place. Offered her several options, but she turned them all down and is insisting that I give stuff to you, and you get it to her. What do you want me to do?"
P17 to IM: "Not going to happen. I trust you to handle it how you see fit. I certainly wouldn't recommend giving in to her. Sorry you have to deal with her; this is the way she is. Unless it's an emergency, no need to contact me about it -- just handle how you see fit, I trust you and you have my support."
END
P, it does absolutely no good to have an intermediary, if you're going to just go back and forth with them about every single communication from your wife. Unless it involves the kids (in which case you can respond in a timely manner), or an emergency (in which case IM should contact you immediately), you are not to be bothered. That's the whole point of an intermediary!
PDT, this is the first time IM has had to deal with this (and she's never been an IM before) so it's new to her and to me. We're learning on the job. IM was concerned she'd say the wrong thing as we didn't have the 'you have my support' talk (as I said this is new to us).
However, I've told her almost exactly what you said. She can deal with it as she sees fit and she has my 100% support. Unless it's an emergency, she can respond as she needs to. Nothing about me. Just straight and to the point - business like. Nothing else.
My concern at the time was should NC be reiterated to W (by IM) or should we just leave it. She has been told twice to go through IM. However I have decided that there really is no point in reiterating something a third, fourth or fifth time. If she doesn't get it after the second time, she probably never will.
Apologies if I've wasted anybody's time. This place is a safe place to vent, get hit repeatedly by large wooden planks and get good advice.
Last edited by P17; 12/09/0909:49 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Hey P17, you're not wasting our time. We all have choices here, and we choose to "waste our time" throwing lumber and trying to help with giving advice.
It's our choice to help and your choice to request it. Last time I looked that's what we're here for... if you need to vent, go ahead and vent.
From my side, I apologize for any misunderstanding earlier on. I read your post as showing signs of weakness and I was trying to perk you up by hitting your triggers.
I appreciate everybody who takes the time to read and respond to my threads whether it's a 2x4 or otherwise. You wouldn't bother if you you didn't care!
Thanks again.
Gnosis - no need to apologise. I have been weak and needy in the past so it's understandable. My W knows this and knows I will also cave in eventually. At least, that's what she thinks.
Unfortunately for her, she doesn't know that this P17 was actually the one she married and not the pathetic one she left. When she works that out, she may change her tune and adjust her sights as the P17 she married was strong, determined and focused. I've stopped playing the game and she therefore cannot beat me.
I'd appreciate if you could ju7mp back to my reply to your post and let me know how I do the 180 and remove the R as a possibility and also become a HARDASS while still keeping NC.
Last edited by P17; 12/09/0911:45 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I'd appreciate if you could ju7mp back to my reply to your post and let me know how I do the 180 and remove the R as a possibility and also become a HARDASS while still keeping NC.
In my opinion your doing just that by GAL. The longer you go with no contact the more she will believe that the R is off the table. I do not think this is something you say or do but something that is communicated by just being the new confidant you.
Also when people report back that you are dating again she will start thinking about the possibility that it is off the table.
One day she will be over this guy. Then it will be her turn to decide what she wants and my guess is you will get that call.
I was at the same point you were about 2 months ago. I took her back too easy and now I do not think I will get another chance. Oh well, mostly sad for the kids. If the opportunity arises again I will play it much better.
The other problem that I am dealing with is that my W is trying to move the relationship into the general acquaintance relationship. She still has so many feeling left for the guy who was a big looser and dumped her that she somehow feels it is wrong to come back to me since she destroyed the M. So I am in the waiting game… after the affair… then comes the loss of the affair.
Keep having faith. I believe you’re going to make your life better. Then I believe you will get another chance. Remember though she is never going to be the lady you married. You will have the chance to try again or leave her in the dust. I would put money on it.
Me 33 WOW 31 Married 12 years 4 YOD 1 YOD(adoption process) Bomb & moved out 4/01/09 Divorced 12/17/09
