OK, I want to get this down before I forget a bunch of it...

Talked with IC today about shutting that damn door. And how I don't (didn't?) want to.

OK, I am three years into this mess. The first year, I just concentrated on survival - literally, staying on the planet.
Next year, tried to "fix" things - miserable results.
Third year, finally into grief with periods of trying to go backwards (or running up a down escalator, as the IC put it).

Now, it is time to rebuild. There has been lots of progress on myself, but I have to keep it going.
And yes, I got up close and personal with my codependence today.

I have done a lot of the steps (GAL, etc.) and that has helped. I HAVE found that I can be ok on my own, take care of adult responsibilities, along with myself.
What has been missing...?
The way I explained it in IC was this: There is still this big hole. I don't feel the contentment, the happiness and joy, that I felt when x loved me. Having that one person reject me, act that this other person is better and more deserving of his love, time and attention...I felt that I would never have that feeling of being complete and happy again in my life, without him. I have been afraid to close the door, thinking that it would also mean I would be here at "just ok" for the rest of my life. So much of my self-esteem, my being in the world, was wrapped up in him (know the song, "Because you loved me" ?)
It has fueled my illogical attachment, my longing for him and continued hatred for his girlfriend.
If he had died before I got the bomb, I think I would have been fine by this point - going on without all of this inner turmoil. But he is still alive and well - and I just have to accept that he has rejected me for another. No amount of begging, reasoning, or waiting is going to change that fact. Most likely, he doesn't even think about his former life with me much or at all - I have been put behind him. That is the sticking point, and it is something that I can do absolutely nothing about.

So, I am tired of being this way - I want that feeling back, contentment, and realize that there has to be another way that DOES NOT include my x anywhere in the picture. I want to be content, feel whole in my life again, not like I am just going through the motions.

She said it is time to close the door, for good. That there ARE other ways to have what I want back in my life, but leaving the door open is making sure that I will never be able to be open to any new thing that enters my life - it will just be me standing at an open door, and living with the emptiness.
The emptiness is still going to be there, but will get smaller with time. (Hey, I did say something about it being a matter of time, didn't I?)
It is still scary to close the door - and IC said it is time to take on things that are scary. Get out of my comfort zone, push myself. OT, I think it was you who said once that I seemed to be comfortable in my own misery at this point; at least it was familiar.

Hard work ahead: Attract new friends that don't know a thing about my married life. Develop a stronger body (which helps become stronger emotionally). Maybe get a book club together, or a single's group (there is nothing that I could find that wasn't an hour away). Focus on my artistic expression again - pull that sketchbook out. Hold a one-time class in my new studio.
I look at my GAL activities, and they have all been pretty safe.

I was so comfortable in my previous life. I had my group of friends - most if not all that I shared with my x; many were his sibs. I didn't have to push outside of what I knew best - x's strengths complimented my own, so he took care of all the things I didn't know or care much about.
IC told me the story of the two trees standing side by side with their roots interwoven - but that they were still two, separate trees, not one leaning on the other. I told her it seemed scary, and sad, to not have that level of sharing, that co-dependence.
But then she said, "Co-dependence is all an illusion, anyway! What happened to you? One of the trees up and walked away, planted in another garden! And there you are, still standing! YOU have to believe it!"

Time to get uncomfortable. Build on what I have been able to accomplish and surprise myself with (me, haggling with building tradesmen and not getting taken advantage of? Who would have thought?)

Essentially, I have to rewire my brain. Issues and beliefs that go back to childhood. X was the first person who really showed me that I was lovable and worthwhile. I now have to prove that to myself; his is just another in a long line of those who have let me down.


Keeping to my schedule for housekeeping (and other time-related tasks) has been off to a good but not perfect start. I have been too ready to "stay comfortable" and try to blow things off when it is time to deal with a responsibility. More to get uncomfortable with.

Now, I know that so much this is what many here have been trying to tell me for a long, long time. I think that I am able to finally hear it, process it.


This may be far away from what this forum is really for, but I hope that maybe something that I wrote might be of some use to anyone else...