I've been around since your time (had a different name back then...). I too am remarried and have a baby girl. I think your ruminations are nostalgic musings that you are using as a coping mechanism, pretty much nothing more than that.
This is my take:
Your feelings pretty much have ZERO to do with XH and EVERYTHING to do with your current M. You have said as much: "but the love I had for my ex just somehow doesn't compare to what I feel for my husband now and I find myself dwelling more and more on the broken marriage"
You had a short, bad marriage with a narcissistic man who has gone nowhere, continued to lead a life not to be admired, and so on. You don't need anything from that person. You don't want an R with that person. You really don't. You are having nostalgic feelings because you are dissatisfied with something in your present life. It is in someway easier to feel that nostalgia and romanticize your feelings than to deal straightforward with the current problems in your M.
So, what is missing? You've had two kids in a short period of time that did not give you much time just to have an R with you and H without the kids. So, I don't think it is too big of a stretch to suggest that you miss:
(1) Romantic attention focused solely on you (2) Quality time with your adult partner alone (3) Quality time with your lover (4) Guilt free quality time for yourself, to pursue your own interests, to exercise, to whatever (5) Appreciation for what you do, recognition for how great you are (6) Acknowledgment of the sacrifices you've made and acknowledgment of how they haven't been sufficiently appreciated
ALL pretty standard stuff for a fairly newly married couple with young children.
Now, you look for a time in your life when you had more of these things, you skip over your time with H and look at the scant good times with XH. Why? Because it is actually less painful to romanticize that than to acknowledge that you hurt from something you aren't getting now but that you have had with H.
You feel put upon and unappreciated. You feel you deserve appreciation, apologies, and a whole lot more. So, who do you want these from? Your H and kids? No, again you skip over them and start obsessing about hearing the magic words from XH. Why? Well, again it is easier. XH is already a creep. He already owes you. He's already scum who won't deliver what you need. Much easier to focus on that than to look at your current life and say: My H and children aren't giving me enough recognition, appreciation, they aren't acknowledging what I do for them.
So, my strong suggestion to you is that you look at what HURTS NOW in your own life. Write a list: I ache at night because I miss having a lover to hold me. I grit my teeth because I feel like an unappreciated broodmare/workhorse. And so on. Then, share it in a loving way with H. Email is probably best, because then you CAN express your pain and resentment in a loving way. If you try to verbalize it, this might be more difficult.
Dear H,
I want our R to be a passionate, vibrant, lustful, loving, partnership that makes both our lives better. I realize I've been getting in the way of that by not being honest about some things. I feel hurt, I feel some resentment. I think we can do better. The first step I think is honesty. Here I share my feelings with you. These aren't accusations, I'm not blaming you. I just want to be open and vulnerable with you again. I want us to work together to have an R that better meets both our needs. I know I can do better for you too. This is hard for me, please be gentle. I mean this in a very loving way. We are great, but we can be so much better. I love you so much. OK, here it goes:
