I have posted here without much response.....My ex-wife and I have been divored since October of 08....We seperated in May of that year.....She started seeing OM just prior to telling me she was going through with divorce....I basically gave up and went along and started seeing people myself.....Actually met a great woman in Feb of this year and just ended that relationship....Could not be completely there for her as I still ahd feelings for my ex.....
Ex and I have two boys 13 and 17 and were married 19 years...We spilt custody of them and stay in contact frequently...We have also hung out at times and had a beer and even kissed a few times....She always backs off and says it can't go any further.....We will stay apart for a while and then hang out some more....We usually get along pretty well...
She is still with OM, although they have quit seeing each other several times...She says he smothers her and she really does not want to have to answer to anyone....I understand that as I feel the same way....It appears though that she can't seem to stay away from him for long, although they are not together nearly as much as they were....
Ok, here's the deal, this past weekend we went Christmas shopping for the boys.....As we were leaving the first store, she looked at me and said you passed the first test...She said that I had never been that patient while shopping with her...My reply was that I didn't know there would be a test, but first of all, I was enjoying being with her and secondly, she was no longer spending my money....We both laughed at that and went on about our business...
I had gotten tickets to see the Nutcracker that night, but we shopped way longer than we realized and we both decided to go get something to eat.....I asked her where she wanted to go, and to my surprise she wanted to go to a place that had been very special to us....i said that was great, but when we got there, it had gonne out of business....Big bummer but we carried on....
We went and had a nice dinner and a few drinks, at which time she reminded me that this was not a date.....Kind of a buzz killer, but i did not really respond.....we left and drove home...I was not real talkative and she asked what was wrong...I said nothing, but could sense she was trying to see if she could get me to start an argument....we ahve a history of going out and drinking and then an argument will start....Guess this was another part of the test...she also asked if i had spoken with my GF since the breakup....Just said we had spoken a couple of times since....I did not ask about her and OM and just let it drop.....
We got to her house and unloaded stufff and then sat on the couch and talked a little.....She got up and went and stood in front of the fire place....She looked more beautiful than i had seen her look in along time....I walked over to her and kissed her and said please don't say no tonight....We kissed again and then she said I don't want to have sex tonight....Said we ahd no idea when our oldest was going to come home....I backed off and handled it well for then....
Sure enough, my son and some of his friends soon came walking in the door, so i guess it is good nothing happened....She went to the back of the house and I followed her....We again kissed and i asked her what the real reason was that we could not have sex....She said that she felt as if that was all I wanted....I did not know what to say....I told her that was not the case, but things went downhill from there....We wound up in an argument and OM was brought up and I left....
Next day we spoke and she told me how upset she ahd gotten after I left....She said we probably did not need to speak right now except about boys...I agreed.....She said that she had spoken to her aunt that had been divorced from her husband and then they got back together...Said they had a long talk...I was glad to hear that....Ex also made it clear that what she does right now is none of my business....I agreed to this also....She said that she is praying for the right direction and that is where she will go....I have been doing the same...
I need some good advice on what to do....I know I made some major mistakes the other night...I beleive we are close to something, but she is not sure it could work....I played right into her hand by starting an argument....I wish I had just told her I had enjoyed the day and left before anything else happened....But I didn't and this is where I'm at now....Please help me....If there is a chance, i don't want to blow it again, but then again i don't want to be stuck in this rut forever.....Thanks in advance for the help....I will be away from the computer for awhile, but will check as soon as I can
Are your previous threads. You need to keep writing on your thread. And people will reply
What do you do when she and the OM have issues?
'Never interrupt your enemy while he is busy making a mistake' Napoleon
As for your mistakes the other night.
Carry on like nothing happened. And next time you go out with her. Don't have a few drinks and argue. Look at your history. Change that. What ever causes triggers... Do not let them happen.
Next time go for a coffee or desert.
And the next time she says no. Stop. Do not pressure her. Leave it at that. Nomeansno.
Did you hear this "She says he smothers her and she really does not want to have to answer to anyone" and this "She said that I had never been that patient" and this "she reminded me that this was not a date"
Think about that for awhile.
Think about how you could have listened and acted with those clues.
What advice are you looking for? Have you read the books?
It sounds like you were doing GREAT. You passed the first test. Good.
You guys went out to eat, together...good. She picked a place that had been very special. OK cool BUT here is where you start to go wrong if you read anything into other than she liked that place.
You avoided and alcohol fueled drama...good. Word of advice, don't drink when you are with her. She might be looking to see how much drinking you are doing these days. Booze also makes bad things happen. Avoid the whole mess.
You should have unloaded the stuff at her place. Thanked her for a nice day and split. You better duck because HUGE 2x4 coming your way.
You were doing really really well, then you switched into hyper pursuit mode. You walked over and kissed her? OK I will let that slide, you have to play if you want to be in the game BUT you should have kissed her, thanked her for a nice day and split.
You were told by her she didn't want sex, so you doubled back around and asked for sex again???!!! You should have thanked her for a nice day and split.
Quit while you are ahead. Always leave them wanting more...did I say you should have thanked her for a nice day and split?
The advice is back the heck off. You looked like a desperate guy trying to get his d!ck wet...and I am a guy saying this. Imagine how it feels to a woman.
Tell us about how you are improving you. How are you getting a life. What are you doing to adress your shortcomings in the relationship? It sounds like the door is open a crack but you probably took one step forward but then three steps back.
Next time leave sooner than later. If she wants sex from you, she knows where to find it. Back off, zero pursuit.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I would like to suggest that you read my input with an open mind. My advise comes from lots of reading (post bomb).
Originally Posted By: mlawd1
I have posted here without much response.....
Universal Law: Pass out what you want to receive. Support others and others will support you.
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My ex-wife and I have been divorced since October of 08....We separated in May of that year.....She started seeing OM just prior to telling me she was going through with divorce....
Sorry to hear this. We are here to help.
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I basically gave up and went along and started seeing people myself.....Actually met a great woman in Feb of this year and just ended that relationship....Could not be completely there for her as I still had feelings for my ex.....
Sounds like a healthy choice.
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Ex and I have two boys 13 and 17 and were married 19 years...We split custody of them and stay in contact frequently...We have also hung out at times and had a beer and even kissed a few times
Sounds promising.
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....She always backs off and says it can't go any further.....We will stay apart for a while and then hang out some more....We usually get along pretty well...
Next time, you initiate backing off. BE THE FIRST TO LEAVE. This is counter intuitive, but works.
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She is still with OM, although they have quit seeing each other several times..
Great. YOU be the better option.
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She says he smothers her and she really does not want to have to answer to anyone....I understand that as I feel the same way....
Insight in how you should behave. Reflect it back at her. Show her interest, have fun, but then BACK OFF. Make it APPEAR that she is smothering you BEFORE you smother her. The key to a successful seduction is NOT TO SMOOTHER your target.
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It appears though that she can't seem to stay away from him for long, although they are not together nearly as much as they were....
The key right now is to be the better option. Learn patience and listening. Work on being aloof.
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she looked at me and said you passed the first test... She said that I had never been that patient while shopping with her...
GREAT. She will put you through many tests. GET READY.
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My reply was that I didn't know there would be a test, but first of all, I was enjoying being with her and secondly, she was no longer spending my money....We both laughed at that and went on about our business...
Very good reply. Continue this behavior. Making her laugh was good.
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We went and had a nice dinner and a few drinks, at which time she reminded me that this was not a date.....Kind of a buzz killer, but i did not really respond.....
I would like to suggest another possible response: Validate and possibly humor. "Ain't that the truth! It is nice to be able to just go to dinner without all that pressure." If she laughs, it is a good response.
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we left and drove home...I was not real talkative and she asked what was wrong...I said nothing, but could sense she was trying to see if she could get me to start an argument....we ahve a history of going out and drinking and then an argument will start....Guess this was another part of the test...she also asked if i had spoken with my GF since the breakup....Just said we had spoken a couple of times since....I did not ask about her and OM and just let it drop....
Good job!
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We got to her house and unloaded stuff and then sat on the couch and talked a little.....She got up and went and stood in front of the fire place....She looked more beautiful than i had seen her look in along time....I walked over to her and kissed her and said
"GOODNIGHT!
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please don't say no tonight..
NEEDY Do not be needy.
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..We kissed again
BE THE FIRST TO WALK AWAY. (Puts you in control) Leave HER wanting more. NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.
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and then she said I don't want to have sex tonight...
NOW SHE IS IN CONTROL.
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She went to the back of the house and I followed her....
DO NOT PURSE. This is weak and needy.
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We again kissed and i asked her what the real reason was that we could not have sex....
You are giving her all the control. MAN UP BUDDY.
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She said that she felt as if that was all I wanted....I did not know what to say....
Because all you wanted was sex.
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I told her that was not the case, but things went downhill from there....
Learn from this and change your behavior in the future.
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We wound up in an argument
Is is better to be right or to DO THE RIGHT THING. I would like to suggest that you commit to not arguing with her. (BIG 180) I would also like to suggest that LISTENING and VALIDATION would work much better.
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and OM was brought up and I left....
YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT MUCH EARLIER.
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Next day we spoke and she told me how upset she had gotten after I left....
Good oppertunity for compassion by listening validating and understanding I would like to suggest you keep an eye out for these opportunities in the future.
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She said we probably did not need to speak right now except about boys...I agreed.....She said that she had spoken to her aunt that had been divorced from her husband and then they got back together...Said they had a long talk...I was glad to hear that....Ex also made it clear that what she does right now is none of my business....I agreed to this also....She said that she is praying for the right direction and that is where she will go....I have been doing the same...
Sounds promising.
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I need some good advice on what to do....I know I made some major mistakes the other night...
We all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them, and make positive changes our behavior. It is harder than h3ll.
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I believe we are close to something, but she is not sure it could work....
That is why it is very important to CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS, WORDS and ACTIONS.
Validate her feelings.
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I played right into her hand by starting an argument....I wish I had just told her I had enjoyed the day and left before anything else happened...
There will be more chances in the future. DO NOT BEAT YOUR SELF UP. Use the words I wrote to modify your future behavior.
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.But I didn't and this is where I'm at now....Please help me....If there is a chance, i don't want to blow it again,
It is important for every interaction to be positive and for you to leave BEFORE there is a chance for negative.
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but then again i don't want to be stuck in this rut forever
I would like to suggest you read "The art of seduction". The methods in the book will help draw your X back into your arms.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks so much for replies.....I've been at this long enough to know some of the answers.....I screwed up and knew it.....We had a great time.....Should have left it at that.....She's pretty gun shy right now....We have a history of going out, having a good time, drinking too much and the battle will start....A good friend of mine told me the other day that he had never seen a couple that could go from fighting to f@@king and f@@king to fighting as fast as we could.....Got to be known for something I guess....i do believe there is a chance....Just got to handle things well....
My problem is the OM.....Not a great guy, but she can't seem to move on from him.....I know he is none of my business, but it drives me crazy knowing she still sees him....I know, as ready 2 change said, I have to be the better option.....It's hard....Thanks guys....Ya'll weren't as hard on me as I thought...
Nope. Your problem isn't the OM. The problem is that you are showing big time weakness...
Your answer is to NOT GO OUT WITH HER WHILE SHE HAS ANOTHER MAN.... PERIOD...
YOU be the one to walk away from this.
Women respect a man more when he shows emotional strength by doing things like telling her he isn't interested in seeing or dating or being with a woman in a committed relationship.
You wait it out until she dumps him and chases YOU. If not, so be it.. Let her see you are a happy mature man going somewhere with his life. Keep dating other women and don't be afraid to let her know it...
She can't respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to not get into a relationship with a woman who can't pick one man and stay with him. She can NOT be trusted and you deserve better. The only way to show her and you that is to live it.
Yes guys it is true....I have shown alot of weakness lately...Time to man up and i know it....I will do the reading that was suggested and go from there.....She called this morning as she is home with the flu.....She wanted to discuss the plans for my son's upcoming prom....We kept it at that and she asked about me going to rescue her father last night...He had broken down on the road and called me to come get him...She was impressed I would do that.....Told her that me and her dad were still close and I did it for him......I tried to get off the phone several times and she kept coming up with things to say....I finally asked her did she need anything since she was sick and could not get out....She replied no, but thanks.....Told her ok then I have to go.....She said ok talk to you later and love you.....Not that big a deal since she usually says this when we end a conversation....Anyway, point is, I kept the conversation mainly about business and was the one to end it.....Small step I know, but progress for me nonthelss.....
Yes Sandi, I did say I love you too....She seems alot more interested in talking lately....I have been very careful not to bring up any R talk....
Yesterday, she sent me a text asking what i was doing....Repiled Son and i were going hunting.....She said she was stressed and wished she had a beer....Told her I would call after the hunt and lf she wanted I would bring her one....
Later spoke to her and said she did want one.....Went to store and got a six-pack and dropped it off at her house....Went she let me in the door she hugged me and said thanks and tried to pay me....Told her that was alright and said i had to go....She hugged me again and as I was going out the door, She said "hey I love you"....I told her i loved her too.....For some reason this I love you sounded different....Could just be me....
Anyway, she texted later thanking me and saying how depressed she was and she thought she was going to bed....Briefly talked about not being as young as she once was and about the mistakes she has made.....Did not really go into detail and i did not pursue answers from her....Told her I was here and if she needed anything let me know.....
This morning checked on her and she was still in bed.....Said she was not feeling well at all....Told her that the boys did not have to come back to her today if she was not well....Said no, she was going to stay in bed and would hopefully feel better....Told her again if she needed anything to let me know....
She seems to be softening some, but we have been here before and she has not totally ened things with OM, but something does seem different about her....Giving her plenty of space and let her think about things....
