I will handle it and I will handle it well. I have mapped out my plan of who and where I need to be. Instead of hoping that my H falls back in love with me, I am going to fall in love with myself, if that makes sense. I am really going to get me FOR ME. Be confident for ME. Be sexy for ME. Not from an arrogant, selfish or conceited point of view. I just think that this is the way for me to emerge healthy and whole. And by focusing on myself I will cease to focus on my H. I am going to be comitted to myself for once.
Makes perfect sense to me. You are quite the inspiration.
Thank you.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
I have not been posting much but have been following along with almost every sitch on the board, new and old.
Afew posts back Robx told me that I could potentially turn this sitch in its head. I would like to know in detail HOW.
I am at the point where I cannot see HOW my H and I would reconcile. It may or may not happen. However,regardless of the outcome, I realise that my H has zero respect for me and I share part of the blame for that . In trying to make my M work I somehow gave him the impression that I would take ...t and call it chocolate!!!! I did say to him that my door would always be open . Yes I did at the outset!!! Fatal mistake. I don't know if he thinks that this entitles him to do anything and I will not take steps I need to. I don't know if he thinks that because he has told me ILYBINILWY that he is entitled to live a separate life and come and go as he pleases while still M. It will not work for me.
I have spoken with my H several times and I have set my boundaries. I have received legal advice and I was advised not to pack his things and throw him out. I will therefore have to share a house with him until....
What I need help with is how to conduct myself and create confusion and uncertainty in his world. I am all too predictable. On the contrast he is the Master of Mystery. I need for the next few months to maintain my sanity and I can think of no better way of doing that than by having his world turn upside down for a change. I need him to wonder whether East is North or West is South. I need his compass to spin constantly. I need to thrust him into a crisis of immense proportions. I need to be a MYSTERY to him. How do I do this?
I acknowledge that I am not detached but it seems an elusive goal while I share a house with H. I just cannot help but get caught up in his comings and goings and I will work on that. I will teach myself how to control my reactions.
In the meantime,any practical advice on how to thrust my H out of the comfort zone which I lovingly built with my own two hands would be greatly appreciated.The time for talking is over with my H. The time for action is here.
What are the daily things that can make him sit up and (a) realise that I am no longer playing with him and (b) allow me to emerge with some of the respect that I allowed to erode for almost an entire year? I have not been a doormat but I have TALKED and at times cried more than I have ACTED. I want to ACT now.
Start by doing for you, rather than doing for him.
Don't always be where he expects you to be, even if it just means going to the bookstore for a couple hours for coffee and a read. When he calls, let it go to voicemail. Stop look like you are waiting for him. Some may say to date, I disagree, but understand. On the other hand, you can do things that might make him think you could be dating. Take yourself out to dinner, or meet some girlfriends in the evening. Dress nicer than usual when you know he will see you, maybe a little perfume. If you have always wanted a purple dress, and you know he hates purple, get one! And make sure he sees it.
If you cook for him, cut it out! Some with laundry, and anything else that he might be used to. It will probably make him mad, but it will also get his attention.
When you have a bit of time think "What would Kara do?" and do the opposite!
Thank You!! I cut out almost everything I used to do for him at the outset, so there is really nothing else to cut out. LOL
I am predictable in my anger in certain situations so perhaps I can show no reaction when he is expecting one. I also find it difficult to be upbeat in his presence so that is another one.
I have not read you whole sitch, so let me qualify my comments with that. I, too, have arrived at the "I'm done" stage. And, I am.
First, this:
Quote:
I acknowledge that I am not detached but it seems an elusive goal while I share a house with H. I just cannot help but get caught up in his comings and goings and I will work on that. I will teach myself how to control my reactions.
Keep working on this. And, make sure you understand what detachment is. It is NOT having no emotion. It IS going to the worst case scenario in your mind, really experiencing it, and knowing that you will make it through and be ok. If you are waiting to feel nothing for your H, it isn't coming soon, and, more importantly, it ISN'T detachment.
Next, this:
Quote:
I need for the next few months to maintain my sanity and I can think of no better way of doing that than by having his world turn upside down for a change. I need him to wonder whether East is North or West is South. I need his compass to spin constantly. I need to thrust him into a crisis of immense proportions. I need to be a MYSTERY to him. How do I do this?
Apart from being mysterious, YOU have no control over the other issues. These are HIS reactions to YOUR behavior, and POSSIBLE reactions at that.
How to do it, VH had some good ideas. I side with him on the no dating, but understand it may work for some - just not me.
Pick a night during the week when you go to a movie. When he asks where you were, tell him you were "out,." Be gone at unusual times. Do things you want to do, not things you think H would want you to do.
Hey SG.... yeah, I disagree with dating because it brings an innocent bystander into the situation. No matter what you tell them, it just isn't fair to them, or to you, in my opinion. I really don't think you should date unless you really are done with your M. Then, I have no problem with it.
DBing isn't about manipulating, it is about change. Change in you first!
Kara, being upbeat in his presence would be good. Especially if it's zipping past him on the way out the door! Picture it... you looking good, smelling good, smiling... out the door with "I'm not sure when I'll be back!" And the door closes before he can open his mouth. And then you don't answer the phone. That's going to make his head spin, while you enjoy a good book and a hot chocolate!
