Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

So you say he hasn't really made any changes. He has said he's sorry and that he knows he screwed up and lost something good. Okay. And? I mean what's to say (other than, "we both made mistakes...but thanks for saying you're sorry"???--no, don't say it now. It's too late. If he says it again, maybe....)

You can't bring up R talks now b/c there is NO R for you two, except as co-parents. You are div, right? Okay so what's the R to talk about? Let him earn the right to even bring that up. You have no business going down that road at this point b/c there's nothing going on in that direction that you know of. He's made it clear that he's starting with time with her, even if it's an excuse to see you --which I hope it's not b/c I hope he cares about being a dad ---and by the way, why would you ask him R questions now anyhow? He has not made any of the changes you'd need him to make, even the basics...am I missing something here? His words of regret are signs of insight and self pity and that's...a start. But you can't do anything with it b/c it's just words. Back to you...

You have not mentioned any 180's or GAL activities of yours. Please, I've been effectively a single mom w/a full time job and there are things you can do so no more "but I have a baby!" Excuses...make arrangements. B/C if anything -it's MORE necessary for you to GAL and do the 180s b/c you are modelling for your kids. Remember you also have other children who are watching you to see how a woman of grace and and strength, handles betrayal and adversity w/dignity. Does she fall down in a "heap" and stay there? [b]Or does she pick herself up, dust herself off, learn and move on from?? Does she ever become happy again? WHEN?? HOW LONG??

Someday each and every one of our children will face a setback or betrayal of some sort, and they will be deeply hurt by them. You must teach them NOW that although your pain was deep, it was not fatal --and though it lasted longer than you wanted it to, it was not eternal. It passed....when you let it![/b] Let them see you now that way, so they know they can handle the curves life throws at them.

Your h left you for OW. Okay. Life didn't end. He's just one guy. You survived your first div and now you are wrapped around the axle about this guy. Why him? How'd you handle the first "amicable" div, and yet not handle this one?

I "waited" in the sense that I did not divorce my h but I filed for sep and I did NOT date OM when my h and I were sep. But we were not div. Neither filed. That's a huge diff. I assume if we div that someday down the road I might date again but no way would I be introducing my kids to any OM for some time...if ever. Also, when I say I 'waited' I don't mean I didn't do anything. I also moved on. I applied for jobs in other geographic areas (trust me, h noticed that although I had no idea at the time) and started classes I wanted to start. I began to envision my life without my h of 25 yrs and I began to force myself to see it in a positive light and THEN, I moved towards making that life my future. Yes It was harder b/c I had the kids but I wouldn't trade his solitude for having my kids around for anything. Frankly, when h wanted back in, I had mixed feelings. I liked being independent and could take it or leave it until I saw some real changes in him. You mention your h needing to live on his own awhile. Most men don't like that and By the way, Since you are div why does it matter if your h dates OW now? I mean, why is that any of your business? IS he promising not to for some reason?

I believe in moving forward with your life unless and until you see reasons for hope (not "hope" based merely on your wishes, but hopefulness based on a reason) and only then, assess how you feel about him and your life. You are so far ahead of yourself worrying about what he might be willing to do sometime in the future when the basics are not being done now....You are divorced from this man. You have a child together. There is more to your R with your first h than with this man. The m was not a long one and it was troubled from the start...

Stop the pressure. He screwed up his R's with his older kids and knows it. Maybe he will do some repair work later on, maybe not. But he's trying to have something with the youngest one. That's a good thing. Leave them alone so they can find each other and bond.

How can that be a bad thing? He won't take her away from you. At most he'll want to see her more and if the court says he deserves to and it's safe, then that's good for all concerned. YES it is good for all. And They're not going to hand her over to him. He doesn't want that anyhow.

What is it that you really fear? That he can rebuild something with her and not with you? Well honey, so what? Women are a lot more to handle than little girls who by nature, want to love their daddy's. Let her love him. Let her adore him. Let her think he's a hero. He needs that. Don't we all?

If you move on and make progress in your life, it's good no matter what happens. I never understood how so many LBSers think by sitting and waiting they are somehow more likely to get their WASs back. It's the opposite!

If your xh makes a move to catch up with you, you will be in a much better position for a real R. You admit you two didn't know how to fight and you admit in other posts, you still don't. Hence your fears of bringing up anything "controversial" like...money, kids, holidays, the past, LIFE, etc......

Look, There are 3 possibilities for you moving on:

1) If you move on & become a happier woman, that's great. If he does the work to get back into your life as a man, you will be much better at boundaries and "fighting fair" and you'll also know more about his chance of change since he'll have had to do some work/proving to catch up with you and this does not mean you are to be punitive to him. It's not about him or punishing him. It's about you moving on so he can see a woman he wants to be with, who is on her own and brings something to the table so he wants to do the same...it's you setting healthy boundaries that would apply to any man, and enforcing them. IF the guy can't meet them--no hard feelings, but "goodbye". Don't make this about him at all. It's all about you and your life and moving on and MAYBE LATER SEEING WHAT HAPPENS, IF ANYTHING...

2) And if by chance he makes feeble time consuming but half hearted or inconsistent efforts to get back into your life but thankfully you see through it and you choose not to let him back in, you will be in a healthier happier place that much sooner. You'll know you avoided much more heartache in the long run.

3) And if he makes NO noticeable effort towards you, then your happy place will come for you even faster. Don't look back and 2nd guess yourself.

Guess the 4th possibility is you wait some more and more....and focus your energy the way you have been....on him, the one element you have no control over, and you'll get where? What has worked? Nothing.

You are div. Now he wants to have an R with the d you have together and says nothing about you guys and your future. Am I missing something?

PLEASE DO NOT BRING UP R OR FUTURE TOGETHER TALK WITH HIM...IF HE DOES IT, LISTEN TO HIM...AND LISTEN SOME MORE. ASK NOTHING. DO NOT PROBE. JUST LISTEN TO HIM...he has some 'splainin' to do...

Remember most of all, again, that "victory" in these situations is not about how happy or miserable your xh is, but rather, victory is in how you live your life. He's not in your happiness equation...

As for OW comparing notes...well first off, why bother? But Okay now you know he's a habitual liar. So...the news isn't good about his character. He's a user. Okay.

Now he'd like a R with his littlest one and it is the holidays...so he may disappear in January. She's only 18 months old. If he starts to let her down later on in life, face that when it comes. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow when you have plenty on today's plate.

Back to you....how are the 180's and GAL activities going? Do you stay at home full time? That is a priviledge most women lack but it has a downside too. What do you do to meet other adults? Can you get a regular sitter for a class at night or in the day or find some day care that would allow for it? (The answer is "yes you can"...) What about a part time job?

At some point you will need to rely more on yourself and less on CS b/c there won't always be any. Got any dreams you'd like to pursue? What would you be doing with your time and energy if you were not thinking/obsessing about him all this time?

I'm glad the kids still feel close to eachother and they have a blood sibling in common anyhow. The easier and more comfortable they are with each other, the better for all. Make and keep some New Year's resolutions and make at least one of them, showing your kids your strength in the face of adversity.

Hope this helps.
J-