Hi...went to MC to figure out why WAS "walked away". Was in shock and felt a MC could somehow be the middle man and get H to open up. Not good ~ basically I did not have a pro-marriage C whcih didn't help but H just babbled all the WAS script and re-wrote history in the 3 sessions. Honestly, I don't know why he even agreed to go...maybe more justification for someone else to hear?! So, ultimately C said to me to "just move on with your life because it can't work when only 1 person wants to work on it". It was so discouraging and hurtful. Even the C told me individually that H "shut down" and closed his heart as a protective mechanism.
Tried to get my wife to -- for years -- but she never would. Even went myself once, and asked her to go have a session with my IC -- without me present -- that it would be helpful to ME.
She promised me she would, but she never did, and neither one of us ever brought it up again.
My wife (like most people) really doesn't like to face her own stuff. "I don't need someone to tell me I'm crazy!" she would always say.
Needless to say, I was THRILLED when she started going to IC this year, and then ASKED to do MCing with me!
No C prior to Bomb. What a Bomb too... I was in IC for approx. 8 weeks after W left. Pro-marriage C, I made sure before I went. W was in IC prior to Bomb. She went 6 seesions. She stopped going when she found out her C was pro marriage; then she drooped the Bomb "ILYBINILWYAM" Ouch...
W dropped the Bomb, and moved out 1 hour later.
Since then we have not really spoken much. But when we have, it has been pleasant.
I have not figured out how to bust the PA yet, but it may just take care of itself. She tells me she is thinking about coming home, and also, thinking about MC with a good Christian MC.
My W claimed I was abusive verbally. She has since backed away from that as I learned about EA prior to Bomb. She was just looking for excuse to do the other thing. I think she has found out or is feeling the grass in not always greener!
Be careful. I was a verbal abuser (even thou W thinks that maybe I was not). We do play and hide. It took me over 1 year to get to where I am now(with my behavior). Your H can change, but it will take alot of hard work, love & patience. Never give up. Make the choice and work thru it. A stronger marriage is on the other side....
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Be careful. I was a verbal abuser (even thou W thinks that maybe I was not). We do play and hide. It took me over 1 year to get to where I am now(with my behavior). Your H can change, but it will take alot of hard work, love & patience. Never give up. Make the choice and work thru it. A stronger marriage is on the other side....
In my opinion it's not really appropriate to tell someone dealing with verbal/emotional abuse to NEVER give up. That's a bit extreme. SHE doesn't have the make the choice, HE does.
Abuse is notoriously hard to change. And it's actually considered a very bad idea to go to MC with an abuser, because they usually use it against you. I would never see a counselor that wasn't well familiar with abuse issues (and most aren't).
I am not telling you TO give up, soleil, but I wouldn't tell you to just keep believing it can work out either. Most abusers don't change. And the ones that really want to find it very difficult. So keep your eyes open and your expectations real. Because many victims rely on "hope" not reality.
No MC before the bomb. W said she would go - I said I wanted to go but only if reconciliation was on the table. She said ok, I'll go, then a month or so later, says she never agreed to go to a MC for reconciliation and only agreed to go for co-parenting.
I think MC can work, but if the WAS sticks with I'm done, you are just beating a dead horse. MC is not a silver bullet, but it may be a way to help a couple work through the issues - but both have to be willing to work on the R or at least be open to discussing/entertaining that.
My W has seen different ICs for many years (>10), due to depression/anxiety/bi-polar d.
I've never done IC, although I'm looking into it right now for myself. At the end of a previous marriage, my WAW was too involved with OM for MC to work. We went to one session. It was obvious that MC wasn't pro-marriage, and we never went again. D followed up shortly behind it.
Because of that previous experience, I've always spoken unfavorably about MC since I met current W. It was thrown back in my face when bomb dropped and I suggested we try MC. Of course, she was/is in a A, so I understand why she doesn't want to try. It would do us no good at this point until OM is completely out of the picture. Haven't mentioned it again since, but will push for it if she ever seriously wants to reconcile.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
