how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[pitinmygut]

avermont, my sitch is a bit similar to yours since my W dropped the bomb about 2.5 months ago. We have had very little R talk....and we have been very cordial and friendly for the most part. Well, yesterday I received divorce papers. So she meant it when she said she was done. I just wish we could have tried some MC or other alternatives. I guess it is now onto the next phase of my life....I just hope that me and my son will have a good relationship.

[avermont]

Well, wow, sorry to hear that. I will go back and read your posts.

Is your wife in an A? and have you been trying DB stuff?

Maybe "done" is "done."

I have been running that through my brain, trying to accompany it with a shrug, an OK, an I'll be OK.

It's very hard to balance a twinkling of hope with the need to survive and move on.

Will the divorce papers force you two into any conversations at all?

Did she give any reason for WA? any process to help you understand at all?

[TrentC]

I have every reason to believe that he is truly done. Perhaps a man of his word. There just isn't anything coming from him.

I am GAL, and using this board to keep my life and mind together, but not sure if there is really any DB'ing to be doing. Does that make sense? I know that until the A ends, he is truly done with our R, as pearlharbr said.

It's tricky, given the situation you're in; together for 23 years but never married (although as someone pointed out, you may be considered a common-law spouse in your state).

And as long as he is in the throes of an affair, there is very little you can do to try to rebuild your relationship.

[avermont]

No, no common law here.

No marriage makes it easy to walk away; on the other hand I am spared all the pain of the divorce and separation that everyone else is going through.

wow wow wow.

so get my own life (which I have; I'm just entering grief phase now and have to go through that)

If the A ends, and he wants to talk...I may be there, I may not, right?

Have to work on the mental discipline to keep him out of my mind.

[pitinmygut]

I don't know if she is an A or not, but now I am swaying more towards YES. I have no proof of one....I am only basing that on the fact that has easily moved on.

I am not sure if we will have any conversations since I think the lawyers will do most of that (once I retain one).

The reasons she gave are pretty much spot on with the WAS syndrome....you know, doing most of the work to keep the R going and then getting to a breaking point.


I don't totally blame her for the situation we are in. I know I was a below average husband. With that said, I always thought we would would find a way to make it work. We went through a lot in the last few years (a cancer diagnosis for me, on crutches for 15 months - and difficulties with having children).

I wasn't around much after we did have the baby due to being out of the house for 12 hours a day for work...also her business was not doing well. The baby slept with her (due to nursing) and I slept in another room because I had to get up very early....but that definitely created issues for us. She became very stressed out. One day while I was at work she could barely get out of bed and I think that was the day that she began her WAS ways.

[chatterbug]

Paitence. And act like it is done. I feel were in the same boat. Its been 4 months for me. Little contact since Sept. Or do you put me in the being weird or something group.

Your just gearing up for tonight. I understand. But you can do this.

We are both childless. So what contact should they make when they are having an active affair?

[chatterbug]

No, no common law here.

No marriage makes it easy to walk away; on the other hand I am spared all the pain of the divorce and separation that everyone else is going through.
All those years together. Its a marriage to me
wow wow wow.

so get my own life (which I have; I'm just entering grief phase now and have to go through that)

If the A ends, and he wants to talk...I may be there, I may not, right?
Be there to listen if you want. Not to take back. But to see if he is offering something better than he currently is. Then really go dark on him
Have to work on the mental discipline to keep him out of my mind.

Better wear the elastic band tonight girl.

[TrentC]

No, no common law here.

No marriage makes it easy to walk away; on the other hand I am spared all the pain of the divorce and separation that everyone else is going through.

Well, the legal part is a bit easier. I don't think it'll be any easier on you emotionally.

If the A ends, and he wants to talk...I may be there, I may not, right?

Exactly. And if he wants to try to work things out, you need to set boundaries and insist on transparency.

I'm curious to know why you lived together for so long without getting married, but it's not really any of my business so don't answer if you don't want.

It's something you may want to put some thought into before you get into a new relationship, though (or rekindle an old one).

[avermont]

Oh, the marriage stuff--it was all me.

First just being ornery. Then being all bohemian. Lots of fear of standing up before God and man and swearing a life together when SO many people get divorced. Fear of total commitment.

He would have married me in a second--NOT that we ever REALLY discussed it. More of the silence in our otherwise active, compatible, romantic relationship.

The super sad part is that I wanted to break the silence and talk about marriage--to get married--these past few years. But didn't have the courage.

But honestly, I have to imagine the dynamic in our R would have been the same, M or not. I wouldn't have been any more passionate (lack of sex was one reason he gave--though we had been having lots of good sex in the months leading up to the A) I probably wouldn't have changed my keep-my-distance attitude. I would have been the same person--just married to him--that I was.

So no marriage makes it easier for him to walk away. And yes, my heart regrets not speaking what I felt.

So that is my work.

And yes, cutterbug, with no children, why would he contact me? what's to say?

Lots of rubber bands on the wrist tonight! I have some girlfriends lined up. Time to enter the lion's den. Won't be pushed out of my town activities.

[Ready2Change]

I feel like I am the only one here in this particular sitch. I know that can't be true; I'm thinking only of my own pain.

Each sitch is unique, but they all have very similar patterns (or scripts). These patterns have been played out though out history. How much temptation is out there? How much resentment and blame goes on in a R?

We can learn from each sitch to improve our current/future relationships.