how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Hi all-

I know so many of you have had MUCH worse encounters with X and OP than I have. Britt--having her in your house! Unbelievable!

But tonight I want to go to a community meeting that X will be at, and I think he will bring her.

I am building up a posse around me; I have my anti-anxiety meds; I will wear my new tight jeans and look good.

The rest is just suck it up, right? Look cool. Give a nod. Turn to others. Mix around.

I know I have to see them together sometime, and this seems as good or bad as any.

And, as you all know, my big fear is that he will be RELIEVED--oh yes, there's avermont getting along just fine without me--just like she always acted she would. There's just no good 180 in this sitch that I can see.

Words of encouragement much appreciated!

[chatterbug]

NO DRINKS BEFORE HAND. GO IN WITH YOUR A GAME.

[chatterbug]

He will be more nervous than you. I doubt he brings her. But if he does just remember.

You are there with your friends to support your community.

He is there with his bitch, while is partner is across the room. Wondering what people think of him, who knows what, and who feels shame towards him. Community will be a few steps down. This will not be an Alpha moment in his life.

While your smiling and waving... Think. " Go pound sand "

Then afterwards throw yourself into your work.

[Ready2Change]

Hi ladies! I am glad to see you two supporting each other. It is always hard to see what to do in your own sitch, but so clear on what the other person should do. I would like to suggest that you put the other person "in your head". IE: When a sitch in your own life comes up, pause, and say what would my support people say?

I completely agree with Cutterbug and suggest you follow it.I reordered her thoughts, with more thoughts to consider. The ones I feel most important are first:

Do not drown your anxiety. Consider other methods to deal with anxiety. I found that most of my anxiety was based on FEAR and my THOUGHTS. By facing my fears, they loose control over me. By focusing on THE PRESENT and not the future, my anxiety disappears. Every time my thoughts go to MSR2C, my anxiety kicks in. WHEN I realize this, I think "STOP!!!!". Focus my attention on what is present and NOT HER. There are times and places to do this, but not when you are out in public, and NOT WHEN HE IS THERE.

Do not write back. Be prepared for "WORST CASE" IE Determine how you will behave IF she is there. Then everything else will be easy.


Dress nice. If at all possible, new stylish clothes. LOOK DIFFERENT THAN HE WOULD EXPECT.

BE the beautiful woman that you are. Take time to look YOUR BEST. New stylish hair. Good grooming is attractive. Take extra time with makeup, etc. NOT FOR HIM, BUT FOR YOU. Other men will be attracted to you also. ENJOY attention from them.

Get there early. LEAVE BEFORE HIM.

Sit with friends. Any male friends??

Stick with your girlfriend. It is good to have support around you.

PROJECT:You are a confident woman who cares about her community.

If you do see them: Be strong. Be still. Be calm. Be happy. Enjoy yourself. PROJECT: That you do not need him. You are perfectly happy without him.

Follow the "smile and wave" rules. Treat it business like.

Ignore the skunk. Do not look at him during the meeting. Ignore the skank. Put your attection where it belongs, on YOU and THE MEETING.

THIS IS GOOD TO HAVE READY:"Thanks for your concern. Our town needs support now so lets concentrate on what is important."

[avermont]

Thx for all advice, cutterbug and R2C.

I have been working with my therapist on my anxiety. I just have not reached a point yet where I can control and re-direct my thoughts.

I responded to cutterbug's note about him being embarrassed from my iphone--not sure it went through.

But, basically, AFAIK, he is not ashamed. When he first ran into a group of friends with her, he was angry and hurt that they were cold to him. He brought OW to "our" theatre group, hanging out after rehearsals and shows. He isn't hiding her away. So I don't think I have shame/embarrassment on my side.

It's a public forum, the sort of thing he (and I) are very comfortable with.

Most everyone knows the sitch, but I don't know how many know how cruelly he dumped me. I'm sure he's not sharing that!

I will get some girlfriends, look good, get there early, and leave early.

Wish me luck!

[chatterbug]

R2C Cutter is no lady.

[avermont]

I knew you weren't!

[Ready2Change]

Sorry Cutter!

Without a tag line (HINT), I made some assumptions (shame on me).

[chatterbug]

I had a tag line. I just changed it because of 2 quotes I liked...

[avermont]

I feel like I am the only one here in this particular sitch. I know that can't be true; I'm thinking only of my own pain.

But I haven't found any other threads where the WAS just...completely...walked away. Said the words: I'm done. And seems to be just exactly that.

Only 2 things indicated any caring at all:

the first week after he told me about the A and being done, I left the house for a week. When we met up for a "check-in" he asked if he could ask where I had been.

Then when I first asked him to move out, and started to outline separating our insurances and such, he said: well, it's cheaper to keep the house and cars together...unless you're in a hurry to move this along...

That was 5 months ago.

The only non-house related contact initiated by him was mid-October, a little email story.

Our interactions around the house were mostly pleasant, aside from the bill-paying fight in October.

I guess he was doing the same "acting cool" as I was. As we were re-modeling the apartment bathroom together, you would have sworn everything was fine between us.

So...any words of advice? Everyone else's sitch seems to involve a lot of contact, either because of children, or household, or WAS making contact or being weird or something.

I have every reason to believe that he is truly done. Perhaps a man of his word. There just isn't anything coming from him.

I am GAL, and using this board to keep my life and mind together, but not sure if there is really any DB'ing to be doing. Does that make sense? I know that until the A ends, he is truly done with our R, as pearlharbr said.

But I feel like maybe truly done is truly done, and I need to do the same. DB and talk to this group in order to survive, but I can't interest and entice a man who...isn't interested.

A man finds a new woman; 8 months into it he isn't making any contact with LBS at all, except for bare minimum household tasks.

What's a girl to think?

Any history of sitches like this in the wise memory of the board?