Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

*sigh*
Even though I still love my H, I told him I quit. And even though, I don't REALLY want a divorce, I wanted to find a way to move out of limbo since he wouldn't do it.

So, last week I called to say I wanted to pick up some Christmas decorations from his/our house and also get the $ he promised me so I could buy the rental I am in. And I also asked what our next steps should be. Which he made me clarify. "What do you mean"next steps"?" "uh...I mean, towards filing" him "oh...well, yeah, I guess it would be best to get that over with." :|

Go to house Sunday (looking mighty fine and 22 pounds skinnier). He was VERY glad to see me. So smiley. Attentive. I went and picked out what I wanted to take. There were lots of other boxes with decorations and I said "I really am not prepared to go thru all the stuff" and he said "No problem. just leave it here."

I asked for my $, which led to a discussion on dividing up assets. He volunteered to up my spousal support; and we touched a little bit on the value of stuff, but didn't come to any conclusions.

He gave me two VERY long hugs and a few kisses. Not deep, but not ones you would ever give your mother, either.
He had cleaned up the den/library, re-arranged some things AND our wedding collage poster was still up. Interesting.

He came over Monday night to swap out some jack stands on the trailer and brought dinner food. Again, happy to see me. Watching me intently. Doing 'stare downs' with me. After dinner we're on separate couches talking and then he takes my hand and invites me to sit with him on loveseat. We talked about how weird our situation is since it is obvious that we still love each other. He said that I'm just so cute and I seem to have this "power" over him and that when he looks in my eyes it's a connection that is unexplainable. (I said it was totally explainable- it's called love and it's what God talks about in the bible where the two become one.)

I asked point blank "Do you *want* a divorce?" and he said "I don't know. I feel like I am stuck between two worlds. I don't know why I can't just be happy and content." I said "Did you ever consider that it's not marriage or me that 'makes' you unhappy? What if you give up someone that loves you and that you love and it turns out you are STILL unhappy? What then?" And he said "I think about that all the time."

He was talking about how he knows he still loves me and I said "do you ever tell anyone else?" and he said "well, yeah. I say 'I love her'" [but the tone was like more disconnected like 'I love them because we have a long history'] I said "I mean does anyone know that you *love* me?" and he said "Well, I think my mom knows" Me "Why do you say that?" Him "Because she said 'I think you still love her'" LOL- yeah, sounds like she knows then.

Anyway, I wish I could say that I totally resisted him, but we did have a little make-out session. He did try to go for the gold, but I said nope. Something would have to change for that to happen.

So, I guess I'll give it a few days (or maybe til after Christmas because the kids and he are coming over to my house to have Christmas dinner) and then I will start to move things forward again.

I know that I'm not supposed to press for a divorce if I don't want one, but financially, it would be better for me.