...you will find a common theme on this board (as well as with MLC spouses, left-behind spouses, abused spouses), that when a person finally finds the guts to say, "You know, our marriage is hurting me, and I no longer think I deserve to diminish myself in order to stay in it. I choose to become healthy and whole; I recognize that I don't NEED you to love myself, and while I'd like to have you in my life I'll be fine without you" --that's the only point when marriages can turn around.
Well spoken, Cyrena.
I do know of three examples; Kettricken, LuckyGirl, SillyOldBear, and perhaps Jayce (to make four); where the marital "nuclear option" did not have to be put on the table in earnest, in order to bring about a major shift and commitment to change in a 'stuck' spouse. However, these are the exceptions to the norm. In ALL cases, however, the attitude and mental state that you describe above IS required: "I'm leaving on a journey (of progression). You are welcome to join me, but I will not remain stuck here any longer."
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
