Thanks dburt. I am glad it is working out so well for you. The point about not wanting this to happen again is well taken. I told my wife that I have learned some things about myself that I might not have learned otherwise. This seemed to puzzle her.
I am relearning how to stand up. I have established some boundries though. A bit of background, We had been sleeping in the guest room due to renovations to our master bedroom. About a week ago my wife returned to our bedroom. I, in an effort to detach, remamained in the spare room. I did not discuss it. I did not make any mention of it at all. I sort of enjoyed the distancing. I rather enjoyed it. I had my own space and read and did as I felt. Anyway, last friday, I decided to return to my bed. The decision to do it on that date was motivated, in part, by my D11 question, 'Are you and mommy sleeping in your room again?'(Now that the work is complete.) I hestated, but told her, Yes. Later, I told my wife that I was returning to my bed and she was free to sleep in my bed or elsewere. I also told her the reason I had descided to do so immediately. Wow! this angred her. She said words to the effect, 'What am I supposed to do?' I told her I would not list her options for her. (This was the boundry. Essentially, I was saying, this is what I am doing, this is why. My responsibility ends here.) Previusly, I would have not done this, but rather would have placated her, slept in the guest room and told myself how chivalrous I was. She slept in the office on the floor and woke up with a cold. She was very angry all day saturday. She even refused to sit with me at our daughters recital. Later she exploded in a rage. 'You walk around her with a smile on your face like you are just fine with things and look down your nose at me.How can you be so calm, do you know what is going to happen.' If you are determined to divorce, I cannot stop you. I hope you think about whether this will make you happy because it is a lot to through away.' This took her aback. She responded with 'I am miserable. If I stay in this sitch, I will end up clinically depressed.' (You are the reason I am unhappy and I am leaving.) I remained calm and did not match her ire or react. I listened and told her I was sorry she was suffering. Then, after an appropriate interval, returned to my book. She took the opportunity to have the last word, I think frustrated that I had not pleaded with her not to threaten divorce. She said 'I am meeting with a lawyer on monday.' Sunday, I faced the question, Later on, I told her that I had previously made an appt with our MC and had arranged child care if she would like to attend. She asked what would we talk about, I said I do not have a specific agenda at this time. She did not commit. I have not pursued her on this point.
I don't know if she met with a lawyer or not. I did not ask. Not going to.
Yesterday, I sensed she wanted some contact. I rebuffed her a couple of times and when she persisted, I responded. She opened up to me about a bad day she had last week. I did not attempt to solve her problem, I did not try to fix the situation, I did not try to manipulate the situation to suit me. I listened and remained present. I am not sure if this was effective, but I hope there was a stark contrast between my previous compulsive tendancy to solve the problem or assume responsibiilty for her pain or be overly comforting. At the appropriate time, I opened up a bit about my day and a book I recently read. She said she would like to read it too. Is this pursuing on her part? And do you guys think, I played the game appropriately?
