I'm still out here

[Bagheera]

She still can't seem to face her own desires in the daylight, but at this point I'm just feeling happy that I'm starting to figure out how to translate her garbled sexual messages. And at least she's now aware of the damage it does when she tries to pretend not to have a sexuality. It's hard not to take it as a judgment of me and my sexuality (and a finding of "pervert") when we do something she clearly, loudly, violently enjoys and then she goes right back to telling me she's not really into it. I'm tempted to record her sometimes, but I know that's not the problem--she already knows she enjoys sex and being dominated. She just thinks she shouldn't.

Good to see you back, SOB, and it's obvious that both you and your wife have made terrific progress over the past year -- I'm very pleased for you and you proud of you too.

My own wife does not like to talk about what turns her on, especially if it falls into the realm of D/s play. As with your wife, her attitude is that it's just not something that you talk about in daylight: "Nice Girls" aren't supposed to like, crave, enjoy, or get turned on by that sort of thing. So her preference is to keep up the proper Nice Girl persona by day, and only allow the Naughty Girl submissive to come out and play by night, behind a locked door, and only when I, as her Dominant man, "make" her do it.

I also know that as a relatively new and inexperienced Dominant, you'd really wish that she would talk about it by day, share her preference, explain -- in black-and-white clear-cut language -- exactly where her boundaries are. It sure would help *you* to feel a lot more secure, because you love her, you don't want to hurt her, and you don't want to offend her -- you want to turn her on and drive her crazy (whilst getting severely turned on yourself).

Based upon my own experience, I would advise that you NOT push her to talk about it by day. Give her time to get used to accepting herself as a sexual submissive. Don't shove it under her nose. Let her gradually ease into the role. In addition to accepting a previously (and carefully) hidden side of herself, she's also in the process of learning to TRUST you as her sexual Dominant, and lacking clear-cut boundaries or safe-words, your best bet is to continue exactly what you are doing now: expand your experimental activities gradually, and take the responsibility for thoroughly researching any new things that you'd like to try and think that she might like --> and you *know* that you would like. That last bit is key: a large portion of her passion and pleasure is in being "used" for YOUR passion and pleasure. If it ain't turnin' you on, then it won't work for her either, in most instances.

Lastly, learn to trust your own instincts and impressions when playing with her suggestively during the day, grabbing her up for a kiss and/or a quick grope in the evening (I personally still can't do this daily, as DQ suggests, but the frequency has slowly increased), or when telling (not *asking*, but telling) her what you intend to do to her later on that night. My wife still *never* says anything verbally, or even suggestively through body language, in positive reply to the above. But she DOES have this little Mona Lisa smile (what I call her "sex smile") that indicates that she's enjoying my lusty attentions or likes my suggestions for later. It's very subtle, and I used to miss it or not trust what I thought it meant. However, it's there, and I trust my instincts on it now.

Again, as a guy you tend to want clear-cut, obvious signals. Well, neither my wife nor yours are there yet, and we have to make up for it somewhat with our own confidence and assertiveness. It's good practice for all involved (for both the "D" and the "s"), and progress -- keep at it!

-- Bagheera