Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

I contacted her once in email. Stating that I had a friend and his dog staying here when she was coming over to snoop... umm gather stuff.

She has contacted me quite a few times. Right now its every 3 to 4 weeks. I am waiting for the sweetness. As the stick did not work.

[P17]

She has contacted me quite a few times. Right now its every 3 to 4 weeks. I am waiting for the sweetness. As the stick did not work.

You mean her stick didn't work on you?

[P17]

Quick update.

I gave IM W's stuff today. IM contacted my W with a message along the lines of that she had had the stuff for a week and was waiting for W to contact her.

W responds that how did she know that she had the stuff if nobody would tell her. W asked IM if she could drop it off for her at her work.

IM responds to her that she would not be in our town and that she could drop it off at another store in the nearest town (which is 20 miles away) - people from her store go back and forth a lot so somebody could easily get it for her.

W responds back - she can't get to the other town and could IM just give the stuff back to me for me to drop it off at her work. She finishes at 5pm so I could drop it off after then if I didn't want to see her.

I'm sick of this. I should laugh it off but I'm not feeling great today.

I love my wife (or at least the one I married). I pine for her love again. I want my marriage and I'd be willing to discuss reconciling if she had the b*lls to stop the A and ask for it.

But I know that I need to have no contact from her to bitch, moan, cry and heal about this whole thing.

This is why I went NC. This is why I gave her the letter. This is also why I repeated it to her calmly when she broke NC and came to the house.

If you read the messages above in that context, I think to myself why is she STILL not getting it?

In our M I said to my W that I had one wish and that wish was that she would talk to me about her feelings. I thought communication was a problem for my W. I now believe that listening is also a problem.

I have told her twice now that I don't want any contact other than to discuss reconciliation. That means I don't want to talk to her, speak to her, see her (which is difficult as I have to shop in the store sometimes) or be near her. Why on EARTH would she think that I would therefore be able to drop her stuff off before 5pm.

The mind boggles sometimes. I understand this stuff. I see my W has moved on and I'm trying hard to accept it but why won't she respect my wishes?

I don't believe she is clinging to me as I did believe before. I don't believe she is playing games. I actually don't know what I believe but I'm beginning to think she is just thick.

[chatterbug]

Let her deal with it. You did your legwork. If its important she will get it. If not it sits at IM's. Do not contact IM about it again. But send her a thank you card in the mail.

Play the game to win.

[Gnosis]

W responds that how did she know that she had the stuff if nobody would tell her.

[quote=P17]W asked IM if she could drop it off for her at her work. <snip> IM responds to her that she would not be in our town and that she could drop it off at another store <snip>

Good for IM!

W responds back - she can't get to the other town and could IM just give the stuff back to me for me to drop it off at her work.

Boo f'g hoo...

She finishes at 5pm so I could drop it off after then if I didn't want to see her.

Are you nuts? Stop giving in to her demands. Your W is a spoiled brat who is used to everyone bending over backwards so she can get her way.

IGNORE HER

I should laugh it off but I'm not feeling great today.

So get off your a$$ and go do something that will make you feel great. Sorry P17, I don't have patience for self-pity.

But I know that I need to have no contact from her to bitch, moan, cry and heal about this whole thing.

Darned straight.

If you read the messages above in that context, I think to myself why is she STILL not getting it?

Because she knows how to push your buttons and keep you dangling on a string. She knows you'll take her back. No matter what she does P17 is going to be around. So she's free to experiment, party it up and enjoy her cake while you sit around and mope.

I have told her twice now that I don't want any contact other than to discuss reconciliation.

Its time to 180. Take the possibility of R off her agenda.

why won't she respect my wishes?

Brace yourself... Because she views you as a pathetic, weak human being whom she does not have an ounce of respect for.

I know you want to reconcile, but here's the hard facts. Let's say tomorrow her OM skips town... within a week she'll be knocking on your door because she knows you have no options available and will take her back. You welcome her back and reward her for her crap behavior... thereby giving her a license to walk out again whenever she feels like it.

I'm with RobX in situations like this. i.e. Become a hardass. Call her out on her crap. Kick her to the curb and if she comes crawling back make her work for it -- HARD.

[P17]

Forgot to add!

First of all, IM is not sure how to respond to last text. She wants to reiterate NC to W and that I am NOT getting involved directly with her. However, not sure how to phrase it or whether we should just ignore that and go about it business like - W has been told twice about NC / IM, how many times does she need to really be told.

Secondly, was in W's shop today as I wanted to get some tinsel. Saw W driving away just as I got there with her friend so I knew she wasn't in the store.

Got the tinsel and outdoor lights (P has NEVER had outdoor lights and they look cool around the conifer trees in the front garden - off to get more later tonight!). A few people saw me in the store with my friend (who is a woman) and one person even went out of their way to say hello?! That felt like the previous week's imaginings that everybody was looking at me was in fact in my head ... maybe.

IM told me that W has removed every trace of me and D from her Bebo page and has updated her status from 'married' to 'in a relationship'. That bothered me actually for a little while but I'm not fussed now after I got over the initial shock.

Anyway, couldn't edit the last post, hence two posts.

[P17]

She finishes at 5pm so I could drop it off after then if I didn't want to see her.

Are you nuts? Stop giving in to her demands. Your W is a spoiled brat who is used to everyone bending over backwards so she can get her way.

Gnosis, you took that wrong! That's what SHE said I could do. She said that IM could give me the stuff back so that I could drop it off for her at her work. There is no effing way I am dong this. It was the sheer b*lls that she even suggested it that got me.

So get off your a$$ and go do something that will make you feel great. Sorry P17, I don't have patience for self-pity.

Me neither. It's been a tough week. Just feeling emotional today nothing more. A little less able to cope with the sh*t being thrown in my direction. I'm not moping, just quiet contemplation.

Because she knows how to push your buttons and keep you dangling on a string. She knows you'll take her back. No matter what she does P17 is going to be around. So she's free to experiment, party it up and enjoy her cake while you sit around and mope.

But my question is HOW does she know this? I have no contact with her at all. I haven't spoken to her, texted her, emailed her or in any other way contacted her since I put NC into practice. She has tried to contact me 4 times since then. I have ignored every one.

So, my 180 is to do the EXACT opposite of what I did - chase, beg, plead. Don't do that anymore. So she may THINK she knows how to push my buttons, but she is getting no reaction.

Its time to 180. Take the possibility of R off her agenda.

I'd like to do that for me. But how do I let her know that without breaking NC?

The only thing I have said to her about R is that in the NC letter I said that I only wanted contact for two reasons, to discuss reconciliation or to end it. The first one I couldn't do while she had invited a third person into the marriage and the other solicitors are best left to deal with.

Since then, no talk about anything.

Brace yourself... Because she views you as a pathetic, weak human being whom she does not have an ounce of respect for.

You can do better than that Gnosis ... that one is kind of easy!

I know you want to reconcile, but here's the hard facts. Let's say tomorrow her OM skips town... within a week she'll be knocking on your door because she knows you have no options available and will take her back. You welcome her back and reward her for her crap behavior... thereby giving her a license to walk out again whenever she feels like it.

That won't happen and wouldn't have for the last week or so. My heart and mind has changed on this. Not interested in taking back that woman.

I would discuss us restarting things if she showed signs of her old self, but in her mind that's probably the same as taking her back.

I'm with RobX in situations like this. i.e. Become a hardass. Call her out on her crap. Kick her to the curb and if she comes crawling back make her work for it -- HARD.

Again, how without breaking NC.

[Gnosis]

I'm on my way out the door... will post some suggestions when I get back

[newmama]

Your WW is certainly not believing you will stick to the IM and NC! It is HER stuff, SHE was the one who left, who cares if it's too effing inconvienent to go to the next town???

And I bet she is getting pissed at you and retaliating/rebelling with the FB change in relationship and deleting photos!!

[chatterbug]

P17 My wife did the same thing. Removed me from being friends on facebook. removed her tags from our pictures. changed marriage status to single. Its all just highschool games. Ignore them.

Ignore her.

She can deal with IM.

Once she figures out that your not playing the game any more she is going to toss a dagger at you. Anything to shake you up. So prepair for it. As it is going to be hurtful and full of spite. Something that only you will understand.

If she does this. Smile, for you are now 1 step ahead of her. And guess what she is thinking of you now. Anger. Hate. Revenge.
You gotta take this punch right on the chin and keep going.

If it kills ya. Talk to a close friend about it. Get it out of your system.

Then post here.

Think back to when you were 14 to 18. Think how girls acted then. Then look at your wife. Then look at what you know about your wife. You will see the pattern.

Next one will be hurt
The one after will be business like and from a position of authority
Toss in one nice jester.
Back to business with another hurt.


You just stay dark.