I now believe my WAW never told her Mom about the incident because she must have been shamed and felt that it was her fault and she would be "less" in her Mom's eyes. I know that none of those things were true, and that would not be her Mom's reaction anyway.
My MIL is involved with her children and grandchildren's lives in that she is a loving, good hearted person. She definitely lets "feelings" drive every decision for herself. MIL does not provide any moral guidance to her children. She has consistently said to them on all issues, "You do what you think is right". She will only provide an opinion if pressed really hard to give one.
MIL will provide an unlimited amount of funds if asked by her children. One child rec'd $50K for in-vitro, another got over $25K for grad school, a third got $20K for a new car, and now, at age 40, my WAW is getting $? for her "new" life.
I agree it seems that she is "re-setting" her life to the time before the incident. It is even possible, though very unlikely, that her EA has not yet become PA because of fear. An A is an A though. I have been told in a situation such as this, that starting the PA could be the tipping point to come back to the M or be gone forever.
Believe me, I accept responsibility for all of the things I have done wrong in my marriage and do not want to shift my share of the blame for our situation away from myself.
I don't want this compounded situation to be any worse for our S7 (who has Aspergers) and S4 than necessary. They are truly innocent victims of something that happened years before they were born.
I also feel that I am unfairly singled out as the "problem" and the D "solution" is a nuclear blast to our family.
I can't help but (now) question the timing of her announcement to me about the incident. I think she may have already decided to WAW and just needed the trigger event - meeting OM - who said all the great compliments and had an unlimited amount of time to talk and listen to a good looking, vivacious woman. (OM is divorced 3 years, lives alone, has his girls 2 out of each 14 days - even that at his XW's total discretion - so he has a LOT of time to be perfect OM).
WAW kept repeating a theme when the EA was ramping up early this summer about if she stayed in the M, she was "weak" and she was "strong" by getting a D. I had never heard those words from her before, and it took me awhile to tumble to the "incident" as the ultimate in "weak" and may be related.
OK, back to reality. I must keep DBing. I believe our D papers will be signed long before her new life with OM implodes of its own weight.
I have an almost overwhelming urge to meet with her and tell her my thoughts, again, about the incident and its role in our current situation; tell her that she has a soft landing spot when the A implodes or she chooses to end it; and that we could achieve complete and unconditional forgiveness for each other if we both work on our M. However, I can't wait forever - I will move on. I want a companion - I want again what I had with WAW. Is my urge premature or out of line?
