Please Give Me Help

[TrentC]

At this point, WAW is not considering reconciliation at all. I am the problem in her life, you see. Without me keeping her down, making her feel worthless, etc. she is fine, as she has said.

This is typical WAS script; she's rewriting history to justify her decision.

Did she tell you that you are "keeping her down, making her feel worthless, etc.", or are you inferring? If it's the former, why does she feel you are keeping her down?

[sandi2]

How did her mother respond when you brought the rape incident up? Did MIL try to get her D into C after the rape or did she say how long it took before she knew about the incident?

It just seems weird to me....and I am somewhat leary about suggesting anything regarding her anger, etc. If she truly was raped.....I believe anything and everything could be a result from the rape.

There are several things that don't add up, but I am no professional about rape victims. But why was she ready to date you after only two weeks after the rape? It seems that she would have shunned all men for a while, but who knows why she reacted the way she did. Apparently she must have felt very safe with you. IDK......I think she just needs a professional and after all these years, it would probably be harder to work things out than if she had sought help right away.

[TrentC]

There are several things that don't add up, but I am no professional about rape victims. But why was she ready to date you after only two weeks after the rape? It seems that she would have shunned all men for a while, but who knows why she reacted the way she did. Apparently she must have felt very safe with you. IDK......I think she just needs a professional and after all these years, it would probably be harder to work things out than if she had sought help right away.

What little I know from people who work with rape victims is that there is no "standard" way women react to being raped.

But I agree; if she's never had counseling to deal with being raped, then it's probably something that will continue to disrupt relationships all her life.

[njcbailey]

I wrote a question to her before a business trip in Oct. The question was simple as follows: "What would it take for us to stay together?"

She wrote a 5 page letter in response, and the high points, worms and all, are here.

It started off with "the overall feelings I have are of defeat, self-loathing and failure to be successful as a wife."

"The small and large comments and actions that were disrespectful and unloving tore me down time after time." <I take exception to her thoughts here.>

She "hated the feelings of being 'not worthwhile' and unloved."

" ... Wanted me to understand (underlined) how and what I was feeling. When I tried to communicate that to me, the words didn't come out right."

"Worthless and defeated were emotions that flowed through me daily."

"Hiding and distracting myself with the boys, housework, friends were helpful, but I now know that I was only suppressing my feelings. Keeping a happy face on the outside helped, but only lasted until I couldn't do it anymore."

"I am now following my heart. I needs space. I need to move on to a new chapter in my life."

"I don't want to feel ugly inside."

"I see a big difference in your relationship with the boys. I respect you more as a dad and know that they will be the biggest winners. I am glad that they will have a da who wants to be there and be involved."

"I can't tell my heart to do something it can't (sic). I am not in love with you. My wall is up to protect myself - it has been up for so long that I am terrified of being hurt again. Those feelings and wall I hope will lower in time and that I forgive you."

"I do not regret marrying you. I have had many experiences with and because of you. For that, I would not change. What I do regret is not standing up for myself, being strong and having the self esteem to communicate with you how I was feeling."

"We will always be connected because of our wondeful boys. I want to work as a team with you regarding their happiness and everything that affects them."

"I am ready to start feelng stronger on a daily basis and have my wall lower."

"I am so glad you see that I am OK and a good woman. The notes and letters that you have given over the past months I know how you feel now ... but it's a little too late."

"Who knows what the separation will do for us? Cement in our minds that this is what is best and move on or that we find that space & time is what we needed to realize that a second shot is what we both (underlined) want to do."

[njcbailey]

The MIL had really no comment when I told her of the incident. She did not know of the r#pe until I said something. It was my hope that my WAW's Mom would convince her to go to C. It is hard to believe now that I think about it that her Mom did not basically "force" her into C.

She started dating me about two months after the "incident". I was sure she was the one from the minute I saw her, so I took escalating our physical relationship very slow. First kiss in two weeks, not making love for about a month and a half. The terror in her eyes while making love the first few months was real and memorable to me even now. I thought it was fear of pregnancy and inexperience.

I think she needs a C too. My attempts to help get her there have been wholly unsuccessful.

[sandi2]

The MIL had really no comment when I told her of the incident. She did not know of the r#pe until I said something.

I cannot understand any mother who would not have some type of reaction to that piece of news!! Maybe that is why your W would not tell her. Is she that way about most things?

I saw most everything your W said in her letter as something that could stem from her rape experience. It seems as if she tried to pretend it never happen and M you and tried to be the W & mother she thought she should be......but never measured up. She feels like a failure b/c of her own low self-esteem.....which is how rape victims feel.

It's so sad, but I don't know what to tell you if the woman won't seek help in C.

[goldeylox]

njc...welcome, sorry you're here, and all that jazz. You are getting advice from a couple of the best. And this is a big one. I can't comment on the 'incident', I have no first-hand experience. I agree w/ others, until someone decides to change, they will be stuck. Nothing you can do, except pray, I guess. Detach, GAL, work on you.
It never hurts to understand the law in your state. In the event you need to D, the kids should not have to pay the price.
This is going to be a long journey. Fortunately, I'm here to tell you that I've met some really wonderful people here who have seen me at my absolute worst.
And they love me anyway.
Peace, and good luck.
p.s. Sandi2, would love it if you stopped by. I've set some new goals and wonder what you think? I have a new thread in "I Need Support..."

[njcbailey]

I now believe my WAW never told her Mom about the incident because she must have been shamed and felt that it was her fault and she would be "less" in her Mom's eyes. I know that none of those things were true, and that would not be her Mom's reaction anyway.

My MIL is involved with her children and grandchildren's lives in that she is a loving, good hearted person. She definitely lets "feelings" drive every decision for herself. MIL does not provide any moral guidance to her children. She has consistently said to them on all issues, "You do what you think is right". She will only provide an opinion if pressed really hard to give one.

MIL will provide an unlimited amount of funds if asked by her children. One child rec'd $50K for in-vitro, another got over $25K for grad school, a third got $20K for a new car, and now, at age 40, my WAW is getting $? for her "new" life.

I agree it seems that she is "re-setting" her life to the time before the incident. It is even possible, though very unlikely, that her EA has not yet become PA because of fear. An A is an A though. I have been told in a situation such as this, that starting the PA could be the tipping point to come back to the M or be gone forever.

Believe me, I accept responsibility for all of the things I have done wrong in my marriage and do not want to shift my share of the blame for our situation away from myself.

I don't want this compounded situation to be any worse for our S7 (who has Aspergers) and S4 than necessary. They are truly innocent victims of something that happened years before they were born.

I also feel that I am unfairly singled out as the "problem" and the D "solution" is a nuclear blast to our family.

I can't help but (now) question the timing of her announcement to me about the incident. I think she may have already decided to WAW and just needed the trigger event - meeting OM - who said all the great compliments and had an unlimited amount of time to talk and listen to a good looking, vivacious woman. (OM is divorced 3 years, lives alone, has his girls 2 out of each 14 days - even that at his XW's total discretion - so he has a LOT of time to be perfect OM).

WAW kept repeating a theme when the EA was ramping up early this summer about if she stayed in the M, she was "weak" and she was "strong" by getting a D. I had never heard those words from her before, and it took me awhile to tumble to the "incident" as the ultimate in "weak" and may be related.

OK, back to reality. I must keep DBing. I believe our D papers will be signed long before her new life with OM implodes of its own weight.

I have an almost overwhelming urge to meet with her and tell her my thoughts, again, about the incident and its role in our current situation; tell her that she has a soft landing spot when the A implodes or she chooses to end it; and that we could achieve complete and unconditional forgiveness for each other if we both work on our M. However, I can't wait forever - I will move on. I want a companion - I want again what I had with WAW. Is my urge premature or out of line?

[robx]

...I have an almost overwhelming urge to meet with her and tell her my thoughts, again, about the incident and its role in our current situation; tell her that she has a soft landing spot when the A implodes or she chooses to end it; and that we could achieve complete and unconditional forgiveness for each other if we both work on our M. However, I can't wait forever - I will move on. I want a companion - I want again what I had with WAW. Is my urge premature or out of line?

You can't tell her any of this stuff, it will be perceived as weak, it's just talk, no action.

You want to switch it up, go on a date with another woman, start dating other women, stop contacting her, appear to move on and see what it does for her ;-)

You aren't going to get anywhere doing what you're doing and you aren't going to convince her of your logic of a great marriage because she is in la-la land and they don't understand your language over there.

Just saying, now you've been told.

[njcbailey]

Thanks for the kind words goldeylox.

I am praying, detaching as much as someone can do in my situation, GALing, sustaining my 180s, parenting my boys, and working on me.

I have spoken with a L and I feel I am in a good position for a D.

I appreciate your support and all of the others who have kindly answered my posts and questions.