Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[OnceBurdened]

S.D.,

[OnceBurdened]

S.D.,
Sorry FAT fingered the wrong key again. I can't imagine the distance factor and how that plays into everyday for you. But I can tell you this-

Take the strength and love your children show you and let it reinforce you. There were days during my first seperation when I knew I would not see them, so right away, 1st thing I did was call them. You know why? - Because they always ended the conversation with " I Love You Dad."

That will give you the strength to do anything.

I appreciate you brother, stay strong, calm and clear minded. Accept the things you cannot change and be an example for your Kids.
You can do it.

[SoldierDad]

ob, that is what I live for, the I love you daddy's, and the excitement in their voices when I call. Thank you for the encouragement. I am trying to stay clear minded, but sometimes I find myself in a "fog" too.
Ya, this distance is not good, but then again, it probably is my blessing/gift. The reason I say that is if I were there, I might have done something stupid to jeapordize my future with my boys. Not anything physical of violent, but said something, or tried to follow my W-I dunno, just something. So, I kind of look at it as a blessing.
Now, I am kind of dreading my R & R, as I have so many things going through my head, but I know I have to be strong for my boys. Just gotta get through it all-One Day at A Time.

[Coach]

SD, You are mentally and emotionally drained right now. Puppy's list is great for getting energy back. You need to manage your energy. In survival school we were taught - "conserve sweat not water." So don't spend energy on unproductive activities.

This is like running a marathon, nobody else can take those steps for you but you are not alone. When you are a rookie in a marathon you get a "blue" bib so everyone knows it's your first time. You name is printed on it so you get lot's of encouragement and compliments as you make your way. But those last couple of miles it's gut check time, just keep putting one foot in front of the other one till you finish. Oh and did I tell you there is a party at the finish. The most I ran was 20 miles in my training so the first (and only) time I did 26.2 miles was in the event. The only way I could stand on the starting line with any confidence was to believe in the training and listen to people who did it before me.

Take care of yourself, love your boys and know that you can handle it.

Cheers

[SoldierDad]

Coach,
Wonderful advice and analogy.
I posted in another thread about communicating with my W. You posted this: "When your interact with your spouse have all your senses involved (be sensous)".
How in my sitch, is interaction possible? My W refuses to call me, I don't call her-DB'ng, and when we exchange e-mails, they are short, curt and to the point. She NEVER calls me, and hasn't since August-unless she needed something with the boys. I haven't heard from her via phone for about 2-3 weeks. Thoughts?

[Coach]

Thoughts?

Can you sense here who is squared away?

Project that to her. We are just communicating via the internet.

[SoldierDad]

Coach,
I hear you, but the e-mails are few and far between as well, but I will continue communicating in a DB manner.

Well, I took some baby steps a few minutes ago.

I FINALLY started packing for my R & R. I had been putting it off, as I was dreading what was to come. After reading some on here, I decided to take some action. So, I pulled out my trusty duffel bag, and started throwing what civilian clothes I brought into it.

Well, that triggered more emotion, as I started thinking that what I have in this duffel bag, is all I have right now-besides the unconditional love of my boys. But I kinda got emotional, but kept on packing-thinking of my boys.

Coach, you are right, in that, I am emotionally and mentally drained right now. I know it is going to get even more intense in the coming days as the PI report arrives, and the long journey to what was once my home. My boys are keeping me centered and as stable as possible.

[Coach]

all I have right now

Imagine you are a POW, what would you have?
Your honor, actions, love, thoughts, memories, experiences, plans, dreams, future, integrity, grit, passion, strength......

These are the things that matter. This is all internally driven. That's where the real treasure is.

Mules has in signature line - "Tough times don't last but tough people do. What my Father taught me, what I am teaching my boys."

God won't give you more than you can handle.

Cheers

[mulesqb]

Ok, took a few steps back today as the day wore on. I got a box from my M, with Christmas stuff in it, and it just broke me. I had to step outside and I literally broke down. 44 YOM crying like a baby.

SD - hey Bro!! Listen, you look at your emotions and breaking down as a few steps back. I see it as quite the opposite. You are grieving what is possibly the end of your M. For you to be the man you have to be in this process, that HAS to happen. I actually think you are moving forward and getting yourself prepared to do what needs to be done.

If there is one thing I can urge you to do, it would be to stop living and dying with every horrendous thing she does. I can promise you, there are going to be a lot more of them. As Puppy told you, just document them and move on. Stop being appalled at her behavior. Focus on you and your boys. You are going to have very emotional periods, especially with the timing of all this. But the faster you come to terms with it, the better example you will set for your boys.

I completely understand your emotions. Believe me, detaching and letting the rope go to me is by far the most difficult part of this whole thing. But if I could go back and do it over again, I would push myself to focus on that more.

Please read Puppy's words about documenting. I kept a 13 month long log about the neglect and abuse my XW was demonstrating. At our first court appearance which was just supposed to be a hearing, we presented it to my XW's lawyer. 3 hours later I had a signed document giving me full residential custody of my boys. You have a lot to deal with right now. No doubt. But remember you have been forced into a protective mode. Make sure you take care of that business. It is sooo important.

Regarding how some of us managed to get through the roller coaster of emotions...for me, I hung to friends and family. It's harder for you to do that, but maybe you can through e-mail, phone calls. When you can't, keep documenting here. Clear your mind of the emotional stress. FOCUS ON THE BOYS..How do you want them to see you?? How do you want them to remember how you handled this?? My S15 has now told me at least 5 or 6x that he will never forget the way I handled my sitch, especially regarding my next door neighbor and the affair, etc.. He said he learned so much about how to treat people and interact with people no matter the circumstances. I get chills everytime he tells me and will never tire of hearing those words. So trust me, your boys are watching you like a hawk. Be the parent they need right now. They need direction and guidance. They need to know that what they see at home right now is not acceptable behavior. They probably know it already, but given their ages they need guidance. My family therapist told me as long as they have one responsible parent, they can negotiate through this mess and see right from wrong. You are that figure in their life. So GO FOR IT.

Stop dreading R & R. It's time for you to step up for those boys. Believe me, they want you to. And you are the type of parent that will deliver for them.

You can handle it..

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[SoldierDad]

Well,
had a pretty good day today. Got wound up a couple times, but went back, read, re-read, and read my thread again, along with many others.

I realized that my sitch isn't as bad as others on this board, and that I am lucky to have found all of you.

I am not dreading my trip as much, but there is still a strange feeling of the unknown.

No word from PI, I'm sure the full report will be in my e-mail when I wake up tomorrow. That will be an emotional event, and a defining moment for me. I am almost terrified of getting/opening that e-mail.

Mules,
can you give me some insight on what I should inform my boys about what is going on? I want to be the strong, stable Father for them, and don't want to give them too much to deal with.

All,
I don't know how you managed this for so long. I am going on 4 months of light contact, and I will admit, it has gotten easier. I've taken the steps necessary to protect myself, however, I still don't see anything positive coming out of my W, towards the M.
It almost feels like it has no effect on her, or what she is doing. She just does something right back at me. I take over the bills-she files for divorce. I know that she has got to do this on her own, but as I read other sitch's, I see that most of the WAS's at least are in the LBS's life in some fashion. I have the complete opposite, in my W. I believe that the distance factor is playing a huge part in this as well.

Well, much to do tonight-finish packing, clean my room, tie up all loose ends, and then a pretty busy day tomorrow-and then fly out tomorrow night.

After I get the PI e-mail, I will post on here asap, as I know I am going to need some help dealing with that. I've already told myself that there IS OP, it's just that seeing it, is going to make it so real to me-kinda like seeing the request for divorce on the County web-page.

I am dealing with this...One Day at a Time