Is my Wife Cheating?

[Steady on course]

Sandi,

So...it didn’t matter much what your H did, or did not do? It's a crummy feeling when your partner is no longer part of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. I think I'm over the initial shock of the anger and betrayal.. it is what it is, or was. I guess I’ll quietly get my affairs in order and protect myself and the rest of the family. I know in my heart that despite the overtures of affection she is emotionally distant, although I don’t want to believe she is already too far gone. I am not sure if it's healthy for anyone to play the waiting game. I'll stick it out for a while, and play it day by day

[sandi2]

although I don’t want to believe she is already too far gone. I am not sure if it's healthy for anyone to play the waiting game. I'll stick it out for a while, and play it day by day

I think you misunderstood what I said about her being too far gone. I was not talking about her being too far gone for there to be hope in working the M out. I was saying that I think she was too far into the A (at the time she was busted) for her to be all that she's pretending to be with you. She is not over the OM. If the A had been caught and stopped at the very beginning of her attraction to him....then it may have been in time (before all the chemicals hit her brain). But after she was so deep in the EA and probably PA, I just don't believe she can switch off like a light. I believe she will "try" and see if she can still contact him. (BTW, have you read up about those chemicals and how it affects a WAS?)

So...it didn’t matter much what your H did, or did not do?

I'm not exactly sure how you mean this. I don't think he could control the state of my mind, b/c I was really messed up in my EA.

I want to tell you something here. I have never said this, but I believe there is something with each woman that would (if you chose to use it) hit her where it hurt the most. If you want to bust the A and cause her to either stay with you or D you......I think you know what would affect her more than anything else. We could only guess.....but you are her H and know her the best of any. What is that one important thing that would weigh the most? What is more important to her than an A?

My H did not do this, but I can tell you what could have happen in my case. If he had said, "Sandi, if I am not convinced that you are completely through contacting the OM and that the EA is over....never to be started again, then I will first expose you to your children, grandchild & family members. After I have told them, then I will take you before our Church and tell them that you are not the person they always thought you to be. They will believe that everything you ever did in the Church was a farce. Then you will have to deal with the aftermath"

That was my number one fear! So, it would have went down one of two ways: I would have gotten my act together REAL FAST, or I would have been stupid enough to turn my back on my family and leave my home ....and go to OM. I would have left if I thought I was ruined in my home town. Did you see in the paragraph above what was the sword that would have split my soul into? Most people would think it would be my children, and that was huge but honestly that wasn't the thing that would have topped it all.

I did tell him that if he ever told my children that I would hate him until the day I died. (That was the day after everything hit the fan.) He didn't say a word.....he just gave me a long steady "look".

There has been one thing in my life that (as ironic as it sounds)I have held valuable and worked on all my life. I did not want that flushed down the drain..

I cannot honestly tell you what I would have done b/c I was not myself. I think if my H had exposed me to everyone.....I would have left and went to OM. Of course that would have been disasterous. I think my M would have been over b/c I think I would have hated my H for a while......until I came out of the fog. I can only tell you that for me....that was the biggest thing he could have held over my head about the A.

You have to decide what you think is the most valuable to her and if you want to trod those grounds. You have to realize that she may leave and hate you for the rest of her life. But.....what are the alternatives? Do you want to go on and pretend that you think everything is okay and wait it out until the A fizzles?

I can tell you that I have no desire to even think about the OM. I look back and it seems like a terrible nightmare. So....A's do end and you can heal and move on with your life. Only you know what you can stand to do.....what you can live with....and can't live with. You know what compromises your integrity.

I believe the LBH has to draw boundaries, be strong, firm, respected, and strict with the WAW. He takes a chance in losing her love forever by doing this.......but anyother way will guarantee losing her love. Bear in mind, that whatever you do.....and whatever you say......you do not want that to come back to haunt you if you reconcile. As long as you can carry your actions out in love, then I think that will be a good measuring stick.

So, you are probably wondering "what" my H did do. Well, he didn't have DB techniques, but I found this board......and I begin to get my eyes open after a while. It was more of a spiritual conviction with me. I have to face God every day of my life.....and I knew a whipping was coming if I didn't straighten up. (From God...not my H) It has been a long road for us, but I have learned to respect my H and by reading posts from the LBH's, I see the pain I caused him. My H was not a pushover. I saw a side of him I had never seen before. He meant for it to stop! However, I know that women can find ways to contact OM, so even if she's threatened to be exposed....she can still go deeper undercover. She has to be willing and honest and it can't be some "cover-up" game for her.

My H would never have left our house. He just wouldn't. He told me once that he would throw this computer out the back door and smash it to bits if he found where I had contacted OM.

Well.....this is long. I don't know that I said a word to help you.....I mainly rambled. My stitch was a little more on the unusual side, IMHO. But, I had all the symptoms and actions of a WAW. I thought it was over the night it really hit the fan. But that ......will be three years ago, here in a few months. So Oblivious....we are doing good.

[Steady on course]

Thanks,
I really appreciate a perspective that helps me better understand her current mind set. It will go a long way to help me balance my actions and tolerance. Last night started out very well. We took the kids out and picked out a tree. After I returned from Florida, she informed me that she attended church while I was away, something that we very rarely do. She took the kids, and attended the same service as OM and his wife. She described how OM wife stormed out of service with OM in tow during the middle of services. I found this strange and unsettling. We later went for a walk and I told her how hurt I was, and was dealing with it the best I could. I let her know that I thought the marriage was worth saving and that I would do what it takes to work together on healing. She became angry and defensive once again retreating to denial that nothing happened, she never slept with other man. I told her that I wasn’t interested in the details, but reminded her that the all of the secrecy, exchange of pictures, and secret meetings, pre-paid secret phone and phone calls was disrespectful, and wrong. I told her that any relationship requiring secrecy is cheating. She went on the attack and reminded me what a lame husband I have been, and started on an itemized list of my shortcomings. She accused me of checking up on her whereabouts when I called her during the day. I am not, It’s snowing hard here, and I am concerned for her safety. We both went to bed angry for different reasons. Before we went to bed, I apologized for becoming angry, (one of my short comings) but not what I was angry about. We both went to bed upset. Not sure how to proceed? For the first time, I’m starting to lose my motivation, and am questioning whether this really is worth it? A lot of revelations lately. I’m still haunted by the disclosures she made early on. In the heat of battle she confessed that she had been miserable the entire 13 years we have been married with a long laundry list of reasons why. It hasn’t been great for me either, but I’ve never cheated or engaged in inappropriate flirting although I’ve had plenty of opportunities.. I’ve always provided a comfortable lifestyle, and I am not abusive. She says I drink too much, and doesn’t like my smoking. I stopped both almost a month ago immediately after the bomb. I feel better for it and am more motivated by my improved health, than by her, or the chance of reconciliation. Whatever happens with us, I like myself better without nicotine, or alcohol.

[Steve McQueen]

After I returned from Florida, she informed me that she attended church while I was away, something that we very rarely do. She took the kids, and attended the same service as OM and his wife. She described how OM wife stormed out of service with OM in tow during the middle of services. I found this strange and unsettling.

"strange and unsettling"? just a wee bit, eh. have you been in contact with the OM's wife to find out what is going on at their house in the aftermath?

sounds like your wife is looking to start some trouble. and she considers this OM hers.

She accused me of checking up on her whereabouts when I called her during the day. I am not, It’s snowing hard here, and I am concerned for her safety.

Why are you calling you shouldn't be giving a F**K.

Not sure how to proceed?

first, find out whats going on with the OM's wife and family life over there.

[Steady on course]

I took your advice, and called OM wife, only OM answered the phone. We talked for a little over an hour. OM says that he and his wife are trying to reconcile. My wife is still trying to contact him, and he won’t take her calls. It’s hurting his business because he won’t take private calls, or calls with no caller I.D. He said my wife pursued him, he got spooked and ran. She is still trying to contact him. He says he feels sick over the whole thing and asked me to forgive him. He still say’s nothing physical ever happened, but that my wife wanted very badly for something to happen.
He says she needs help. (the mental kind) Funny, he gave me the same advice I’ve been getting in this forum. Don’t take any Sh@!t, and I should have put my foot down early on. He said I needed to protect myself, and get my affairs in order. Apparently she shared a lot of intimate information with him and in his words, (she is poison). He said he got caught up in an emotional bond, and got spooked when she made her intentions known. Now he wants to get together for coffee, and tell me everything. He volunteered to bring phone bills, and any other evidence I wanted. He said I was to good to be treated this way by wife, and deserved to know the whole truth. He watched me with the kids, cook the meals, do laundry, and bring home the beacon. He said I spoiled her so much, and she was taking advantage of, and using me.
This sheds a whole new light on things. I think I’m done trying to fix what isn’t broken.
It was never whole in the first place.

[TrentC]

This sheds a whole new light on things. I think I’m done trying to fix what isn’t broken.
It was never whole in the first place.

At the same time, she seems to respond to men rejecting her. I'd say it's time to give her some of that.

[luvless]

Wow Oblivious -

The OM's wife has a great husband. He used his head and was smart. If this was a way to find out about spouses affair/or intentions of...it couldn't get any better!

stay strong O

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oblivious,

Please be careful. There's a very good chance that OM is lying to you as well, at least somewhat. People do whatever's in their own self-interest, especially when under duress.

Give him 1/10th of what he gives you.*

LISTEN, don't talk.

Take his evidence, thank him for it, and tell him you'll be back in touch.

Treat him like the enemy of your enemy, nothing more. A temporary ally, but one of which you need to be most wary.

GOOD JOB on nutting up and confronting/exposing. I would have preferred you not get into it directly with OM, but -- using the guidance above -- you may as well see what he has to say, and what he can provide you with.

Puppy

*If he asks you for something private, confidential, legal or financial -- something where your own internal "alarm bells" are going off -- you should tell him "I'm sorry. While I appreciate you giving me this information, make no mistake -- I do NOT trust you, and you still played a role in the damage to my marriage. I'm not going to share that kind of information with you just yet."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

When your wife finds out you talked to her boyfriend (and -- if she does -- then I would say you have every right to suspect that OM is not being frank with you), she will try to grill you for what he told you. She will DEMAND that you tell her.

Don't take the bait. There is much strength in being in the position of your wife not knowing what you know; and what you DON'T know. Her default position will then have to be that you know everything (and it's OK to use that term with her -- "He told me everything." Just no details).

Make sense??

Puppy

[Steady on course]

Basically, his position is to provide me with the goods, and truth. Although he did ask me what I thought I would do. I honestly don’t know what I'm going to do other than to protect myself for the moment. What I took away from the conversation is that; He wasn’t going to throw away his 25 year marriage on a 4 month emotional fling with a seemingly unbalanced woman who appears to be obsessed with a "fatal attraction" syndrome. From a guy's prospective, I get it. But rest assured, with regard to all the players, I don’t believe what anybody tells me and only half of what I see. I have transcended from "Oblivious" to "Enlightened"