Hope and heartache

[mishka422]

It would be a nice gesture, but not necessarily the right thing to do.

I tend to agree with awest here. She needs to see the ramifications of what she is doing. If you continue to show up and do tasks for her she won't see the consequence. It most likely won't make an impact on her at all. She's not going to be thinking, "Gee, what a nice thing CTH did for me today. He's such a wonderful man and a great dad. WTH am I thinking." Nope. She's not in a good frame of mind where you are concerned and sees nothing wrong with what she is doing so you might as well hand her the whip to crack on your butt.

Ok, that was rude of me, but I felt I needed to paint a visual picture.

In short, don't do it. She wants a D, she needs to grow up and do all of these things on her own.....now. If this ends in D and you are co-parenting well and there is no lingering animosity, then you can throw in a bonus shoveling or some heavy lifting for her now and then as a goodwill gesture.

Heck, my xh showed up out of the blue Sunday and got all of the Christmas decorations out of my attic for me. Very nice of him. We've been D'd over a year though and haven't had words in about 6 months. Big difference. You're too emotionally invested right now to be doing that.

Got it?

[ClingingToHope]

Moot point. She ended up doing it herself. It is still snowing so she'll have to do it again in the morning.

Tomorrow's issue will be if school is canceled. She sent me a text saying the after school person can't come over. She had a car accident because of the snow.

I'm guessing she's going to ask me to take part or the whole day off.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I was considering -- as a nice gesture -- going over there later tonight and if she hasn't done it, shoveling it myself. I wouldn't make a habit of it. Just a one-time thing. What do you think?

As Gypsy always says:
If it feels right, do it.
If it feels wrong, don't.
If you're waffling and don't know, don't do it
fwiw.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, if we do end up in a D, then I wouldn't even be thinking of it. Not for a long, long time.

[ClingingToHope]

No update on my sitch. Just a normal separated morning. Big snow storm last night so school is canceled. W lines up a person to watch girls for the day and calls and asks if I can come over and watch them while she picks her up.

Sure. I'm there 40 minutes or so while they play computer. She gets back and takes off. She's late for work -- I'll be on time -- and I can see it's going to be a stressful day.

The place is littered with romance novels. I've been replaced by books and "toys."

I know the theory is each day she may grow to miss me more and more -- but the opposite of that is that each day she may be forgetting me more and more.

I'm really interested to see what I'll be posting at Christmas in 2010.

[ClingingToHope]

W called saying the babysitter's step dad can pick her up. So I won't have to drive her.

After conversation, I realized I had not thanked W for taking care of everything today. Showing appreciation was something I was not good at.

So I sent her a text, "tnx for taking care of the day off stuff."

I know I'm not supposed to text, but showing appreciation is a 180 for me.

[ClingingToHope]

Throwing this out there. What is appropriate to get WAS for Christmas? Card? Nothing? Small gift? Note?

I have my daughters this weekend and was thinking of taking them shopping to buy W one gift. It would be from them, but I would pay for it?

They are telling me they've already bought their mom a gift -- in fact D7 couldn't wait and already gave it to her.

[mishka422]

have my daughters this weekend and was thinking of taking them shopping to buy W one gift. It would be from them, but I would pay for it?

Do this.

YOU don't get her anything. The girls absolutely should. Anything from you would be construed as personal and therefore pressure. It really wouldn't matter what it was.

[awest1217]

I agree with Mishka. Get something from the girls. I remember the first holiday apart was Mother's Day. All I got was a card. H didn't go out and buy anything "from S", and I felt horrible. She will know, you bought it, but it will be something from the girls and something they chose.

[ClingingToHope]

I've been visiting Sandi's thread and got some interesting advice from her. My lease is up at the end of January. I asked her if I should just re-up the lease or ask W what's next for us.

She said asking would look weak. She said, if finances continue to be a concern, that I should tell W that financially this is too much and I'll be moving home at the end of January.

I've been going the "make her miss me by my absence" route. For those of you following my sitch, what do you think? Is just saying I'll be moving home and if you want a D you can move out the way to go?

It'd be a big deal. W has set up a zoo other there. Cat, dog, three hamsters. I'm not much of a pet person, but I'd have to keep them because of the kids.