I love waking up with my coffee...baby is still asleep and coming here to read the posts! 25, ST, and Kev Thank You!
Ok. alot to take in. Yes, I was/is way too needy. The one nice thing this last 18 months has showed me was I can be alone, I will survive, and I don't need him to take my next breath. I guess I look and analyze every word, text, action, whatever to take the temperature of the situation. I see that in myself. When he has been gone and I was forced to go on, I did it. I managed. I got busy and made my own life. I came to the realization that I can do this. When I think about the sich now, I almost feel a panic. I don't want to be that heap on the floor again wondering how I am going to get thru this once again. I want to have the take it or leave it attitude. That I will survive no matter what.
25..here is a short summary. Let me know if you want more details. Met exh 7 years ago. He was my sons youth football coach. He was younger, cute, and super good with my son. He was D with 2 young daughters. I was newly D out of a amicable D. Still good friends to this day. I have 3 other kids. So we started dating. Eventually moved in together, and then got M in 05. Things went to hell fast. My sister recommended this counselor that was a hard a$$ that said things that were so not helpful and put a huge wedge between us right off the bat. She wasn't pro marriage..in fact she was more a womans liberator if that makes sense. Within 1 year we were S. He left because he was miserable. I was too, but I wanted the M. I just didn't know how to stop arguing. Shortly after S, he met OW. During our S, we still saw eachother almost weekly and slept together the whole time. I wanted to fight for the M, but he was busy being the town party animal. I got pregnant in 07, and he saw this as some sign that we should R. Things were good at first during my pregnancy. But OW still was around alot. I would find texts etc. I only proved once when I was 35 weeks pregnant that they had sex, which in turn sent me into early labor. They stopped it thankfully but he swore he would never do that again. We went to C and the counselor told him NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. That lasted a few months after baby was born and then I started finding texts. Finally he got the DUI and spiraled down mentally and caught him redhanded texting OW in our livingroom and I kicked him out. He was with OW for awhile, but they didn't spend much time together. Back in the first part of the year, she stopped me one day (she lives up the street) and was sobbing and apologizing to me for her part in our demise. We compared lies and knew he played both of us. She found that he was with another woman. Then he met married gf. She was giving him rides as he didnt' have his license back until last month. She gave him and his kids rides, ran his errands etc. I noticed a huge change in their relationship as soon as the license returned and she is stunned. He supposedly ended it 3 weeks ago, although there is some email contact. She has a husband and 3 small kids at home. From what I hear a very unstable woman. Exh makes knee jerk decisions with crazy outcomes. His latest is he wants to get a better R with his kids. His 2 older girls (13 and 15) don't want much to do with him. He has been pretty checked out for a few years. He used to blame it on me, but doesn't anymore. The girls love me and my kids. All of the kids were super close which made this even harder. My son and his oldest are still tight as friends and call eachother brother/sister. At thier ages they probably don't have much respect for how he has handled things. He is supposed to have them 3 nights a week. He has the younger one once,maybe twice. The older one barely comes over.
I am going to relax and see what happens. Last night after I posted he sent some texts saying goodnight and he is happy with how things are going. After thinking about it, I am too. I do want to see if he can be alone and sexless for awhile. How he handles it. He also said last night "I know what made me happy and what I had. I screwed that up and I am so sorry."
I know deep down exh wants his family. Not sure what makes him flirt elsewhere when he gets down on himself. He never lets other women get very close to him though. It ends before that. Can it last? Can he make the changes for good? Those are the questions I ask now?
Ok, off to do this exercise video. My new thing. Its been so cold its been hard to get outside. Yeah, I know...California cold is nothing. But its cold to me! Thank you all. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of this!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Wow what 25 has posted is very insightful. ST also. I feel they have you figured out pretty well.They are elequent with there words.
25 has asked you what you are doing for 18o"s and boundry setting and i know we have discussed this before. It is a huge part of you taking care of yourself.
I will keep reading but, feel that 25 is doing great with the info she is giving you. I will post to talk to you though.
I care so much about you and would like to see you not be codependent.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
SO2 I agree with 25...The HUGE thing for me and you know this, until he confronts his addictions you can't get sucked in.
Just curious did he ever pay you the child support he owes you?
Yes, he is caught up now. That was another dynamic I wondered about too. So many factors to think about.
If he is drinking still, which I am pretty sure is still happening to some degree he won't be able to hide it long from me if we spend this much time together. I am constantly looking in his eyes and he knows it.
Oh, 25..is he going to AA? Not that I know of. He had his classes he attended for his dui but I think since that is over he hasn't gone back from what he says.
Yes, when I list everything it doesn't look like many changes that I need are happening yet. Just wait and see.
There are very few R talks. When there are, at what point do I bring up the drinking and what his plans are?
BTW, exercising in my living room with a toddler is tough. She hung on my leg the whole time
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
There are very few R talks. When there are, at what point do I bring up the drinking and what his plans are?
I wouldn't bring it up for a while at this point, enjoy the holidays no need to put more stress there. As you've said in the past this could be a holiday feeling for him...If things are looking more and more positive after I think you need to bring it up as a concern.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I have been to a few Alanon meetings and they were great. I do need to get back. The times they have them are tough though for a sitter. Only one a week here in this small town.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
25, ST, I am going to print that out your advice for myself, too - very powerful words, and helps get my head back on track. One of the points that was made is how unfortunate it can be if you look at the sitch and there isn't too much that you can work on, that it really does rest on the other's head, and we can't do anything about that. (Sorry for the hijack, SO...)
AlAnon is also available online, if you can't make an IRL meeting - they use chat rooms.
That would be perfect! How do I find that?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
