Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Coach]

The saying here is "accept 100% responsibility of your half of the marriage." Of course you didn't make her do anything, you are not responsible for her actions.

I would listen to the JAG and get civilian legal counsel about staying in your home. It might not be worth it.

Expect your wife to look at you like you have horns growing out of your head. (When she does think of me and smile because it will happen. )

It will seem like a bad dream and surreal at times. You are not going to believe this is happening. Stay aware - have all your senses on alert. Be in tune to the situation.

Mules went thru the gauntlet with his sitch and came out the other side standing tall.


I wrote this to myself to stay focused:

Wrote this in my journal on 08/26/08: Day of reflection and revelations. Not a new thought but it is for me. This crisis in my life is not what I want but it's what I have been dealt. It will be the defining moment of the middle of my life. So I have to play it the way a great man would. Be true to myself, love my kids, honor my marriage, continue to love my wife, take responsibiliy for me, be a warrior and honor the Creator.

Strength and Honor
Coach

[antlers]

Hi SoldierDad.

'If' there is another person involved, you better believe it's in your best interest to expose it and confront her...regardless of how bad it pisses her off. 'If' there is OM, then she's already doing it without guilt or remorse! 'If' there is OM, then she's already justifying it! If it turns out to be true, then you not exposing it and not confronting her will have no impact on her...that's for sure! 'If' she's cheating and lying, then you need to expose it and confront her with it NO MATTER WHAT! Stay strong. It might not be true anyway...but if it is...then MAN UP!

[SoldierDad]

Coach,
How do you still find love for someone that inflicted so much pain onto you? I feel anger and contempt towards her-no love at the moment. I'm not sure what loving a woman is anymore.
The thing is, being gone from the home and family and my spouse is kind of like a dream. When I left, W and I cried, kissed, told each other "I love you" countless times. This is only temporary etc. The things we've said 6 other times. All the other times, and including this time-to an extent, I just changed my mentality, that no matter what I was going "home" after I was done doing what I was doing. This time, I don't have that, and it hurts. I have worked so hard to provide for my F, my boys, and W, to come back to...nothing. Now I know my boys are going to be there-I hope, and I am so thankful that I have them. It just seems so unfair that she gets to reap what I've sown, and I get left holding...nothing, for now. I know the legal system will take care of me, and my boys. I also know that once my W realizes what she will be getting as far as CS-if any, and my retirement, she is gonna get hit with a healthy dose of reality. I know I asked this before, but I will ask again to make sure: If/when I find out about OP, do I let her know BEFORE I get on the plane, do I send it in an e-mail/phone call? I don't think she has any intention of seeing me at all when I get back. Also how long do I wait to expose to friends and family? I am thinking that OP is NOT married, as they have so much time together, I can't see it. How can I expose OP if they aren't M? My W has all the time in the world, she just leaves the boys at home. I am continuing the work.

[MichelleLT]

Let reality hit her. It's your ally.

Once she gets the space and freedom she's aiming for, she'll realize it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Her fantasy world will crack. And all of a sudden she'll have to deal with stuff.

It's a long process.

Just focus on you in the meanwhile. Take care of you and the kids. And let reality hit her hard.

A side note, the more time she spends with OM, the faster it will fizzle 99.999% of cases. That can actually speed up the process of reality bursting in on her fantasy.

Regardless of whether you decide to R if she comes running back when that happens, the faster she comes back to reality the easier co-parenting will be. Your goal is to take care of you and the kids, and having kids together means she will always be a part of your life.

Will confronting her about OM be a dose of reality for her? Will outing them be a dose of reality? It depends. It depends on her, the situation with OM, whether he'll care if he's exposed, etc. Lots of factors, including the personalities involved. And keep in mind, she doesn't have an adult personality right now, she is in out-of-control teenage mode.

What strategy will get you where you need to be?

[Greek]

I have worked so hard to provide for my F, my boys, and W, to come back to...nothing. Now I know my boys are going to be there-I hope, and I am so thankful that I have them. It just seems so unfair that she gets to reap what I've sown, and I get left holding...nothing, for now.

Don't rewrite your history, SD. For all those years, she has been working WITH you to build what y'all have. One of you is more appreciative of that now than the other, that is true, but you didn't build that life all by yourself. Just saying....

I also know that once my W realizes what she will be getting as far as CS-if any, and my retirement, she is gonna get hit with a healthy dose of reality.

Don't worry. REALITY bites all of us in the bum and your wife will not be the exception. Being a single mom is not glamorous like she thinks it will be. She'll see.

I know I asked this before, but I will ask again to make sure: If/when I find out about OP, do I let her know BEFORE I get on the plane, do I send it in an e-mail/phone call? I don't think she has any intention of seeing me at all when I get back. Also how long do I wait to expose to friends and family? I am thinking that OP is NOT married, as they have so much time together, I can't see it. How can I expose OP if they aren't M? My W has all the time in the world, she just leaves the boys at home. I am continuing the work.

Let's say you find out there is OM before you head back. If you see W or have the opp to talk with her, you could lay it down in the form of a boundary: "I know about your A. Out of respect for our sons, I ask that you not carry on openly when our sons are present." I don't think you should expose to the family and friends. Why would you do that? Retaliation? That's not who you are, is it? I will say this - if OM is married, oh yeah! Let his W know for sure. She has a right to know and that'll bust 'em up for sure. Most OM canNOT afford what it will cost them to be divorced with a proven A. If the OM is active duty, you go to his CO. If OM's W is active duty, you go to her CO. Absent those scenarios, I say you stay away from OM. Too much fertilizer for a big story if you contact him - know what I mean? You about above talking to a guy like that - it's beneath you.

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Well,
Just woke up-nothing new from her or kids. I spoke to S12, was good to talk with him, he is very excited to see me, as I am him.

Coach, when I wrote that about the life I had built, I was just feeling sorry for myself. But I do kinda feel like she was just pushing me so that she could have those things-now. I know reality will smack her right in the face one day, and I don't think I will be there to help her, nor feel any sympathy for her.

I just got an e-mail from PI, said they are in final stages of report-should be soon. I think that means there IS something going with OP. sigh.
Ok, so I am assuming this person is single, so I should NOT contact?
If OP is married - and/or in service I will contact OPS, and/or CO.
I guess a little of what I wrote about exposing would be retaliation, and you are right Coach-I am above that.
It's just now, that I know it's coming, I am concerned how I am going to handle this brutal reality. I have already told myself that there is OP, but seeing pics/video is just gonna, well, crush me. I gotta find a way to channel that anger/pain into something positive.
I think it is going to be a very LONG flight, with all of this on my mind. Thanks all. 2 more days.

[SoldierDad]

Ok, took a few steps back today as the day wore on. I got a box from my M, with Christmas stuff in it, and it just broke me. I had to step outside and I literally broke down. 44 YOM crying like a baby.
I am emotionally struggling as my R & R approaches, PI report pending, Christmas, etc. I just feel overwhelmed, and alot of it is the fact that Christmas for my boys will never be the same. I used to make such a production out of it all. She hasn't even put up a tree. Told the boys that since they were going to be with me, that she wasn't going to put one up. I think that is horrible, as Christmas isn't for HER, it's for the kids. Another selfish act on behalf of the alien.

It has just not been a good day, and I really need to get up and off of this pity pot, and begin to live again. I'm pretty sure I am not alone in that I travel this emotional roller coaster of feeling angry, sad, hurt, and depressed.

For those that have somehow managed to negotiate it, what were some of the things that helped you through it? If I were back stateside, I really think I would be dealing with this much better than I am now, as I have friends and family back there to lean on. I want to get past all of this pain, not only for my sanity, but because my boys need a stable parent right now.

I know kids are fully capable of handling this stuff, but I can't help but wonder what impact this will have on them years down the road. It's not fair to them, they didn't ask for their lives to be turned upside down. They didn't ask for a lawless home, in which they are more mature than their own M. I just sometimes sit here, and shake my head at what my W is doing.

I will find the strength to be the best Father I can be for my boys. I will do my absolute best to ensure that they have as good a Christmas as I can possibly give them-and I don't mean the gifts part. I will strive to be the steady shoulder for my boys to lean/cry on when things aren't going well. I will never let my boys see me become emotional over what my W is doing. I will always give my boys the maximum amount of my time for their needs. I will be their Dad, because ANYONE can be a father, it takes someone special to be a DAD. I will always be there for them-always.

Well, I feel a little better getting this out, but I still have the anxiety, and the feelings of dread that seep into my psyche from time to time. But I BELIEVE that those feelings and emotions will slowly begin to fade away, and I will begin to heal - One Day at A Time...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

. . .and alot of it is the fact that Christmas for my boys will never be the same. I used to make such a production out of it all. She hasn't even put up a tree. Told the boys that since they were going to be with me, that she wasn't going to put one up. I think that is horrible, as Christmas isn't for HER, it's for the kids. Another selfish act on behalf of the alien.

SD,

Before it slips my mind, I wanted to encourage you to be DOCUMENTING stuff like this. It's important.

Sorry you're having a down day,

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

For those that have somehow managed to negotiate it, what were some of the things that helped you through it?

- Prayer

- Support of my parents and siblings

- Support of a few close friends

- Intel (it helped me stay detached, and more in "game" mode and not going all mushy/needy/grabby on her)

- Journaling

- DB forum

Each morning, I would read one Psalm and one chapter from Proverbs, and I would ask God to give me wisdom, understanding and DISCERNMENT for my sitch. "Please let me see and hear what You feel I NEED to see and hear, and no more than You feel I can handle. Please put people in my life each day that I need to help me."

I was amazed at how He honored those simple requests, over and over again.

I also prayed this daily, for my wife and for our family:

MY PRAYER FOR MY MARRIAGE:



Father, thank you for my family.
Thank you for giving my children to me to care for, and (Wife) to me to help.
Forgive me for the times that I haven’t appreciated them, and done my very best.

Father, I lift up (Wife) to you and ask for you to protect her today.
Protect her from physical and emotional harm, and from the enticements of this world.
Strengthen her to be the godly woman and strong mother that you want her to be.
Give her encouragement that there is hope for her marriage, and that her efforts can result in a better, happier life for her, me and our children and grandchildren someday.
Please open her eyes to the painful realities of divorce and separation and infidelity, and give her wisdom to make good decisions.
Lord, I acknowledge that you gave us all Free Will, but I ask for your extra grace for Susan during this difficult time.

Father God, I lift up myself to you, and ask for you to give me strength today.
Give me the strength to do the daily work that needs to be done to restore my marriage, my family, and my finances.
Give me the wisdom to make good decisions, and please give me the godly discernment to detect potential danger to my family, and give me the courage to be vigilant and do what’s necessary to protect my wife and my family.
Lord, give me the PATIENCE to keep working at this, and help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR,
And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN, instead of in appearances and the seeming hopelessness of a given situation.

Father, help me restore my marriage.
Help me to be a better father, a better husband, and a stronger example to my children, especially my young men.
Help (Wife) to be a better mother, a better wife, and a godly example to our children, especially our young women. Help her display, in her daily life today, the balance between strength and independence of a confident woman, and the humility and godliness that you require of her, and let that be an example to our daughters.

Lord, help me get thru this day, and live it in such a way that if it were to be the last day of my marriage,
That you would be proud of the effort I gave, and the example I led.

I pray in Jesus’ name,

Amen.

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,
thank you for sharing that with me. I am crying again. I am a better man after reading it. Thank you.
Also, I haven't been journaling so much as documenting things my W is doing that are unhealthy for our M and the boys. I MUST start journaling asap.