Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Ok, took a few steps back today as the day wore on. I got a box from my M, with Christmas stuff in it, and it just broke me. I had to step outside and I literally broke down. 44 YOM crying like a baby.
I am emotionally struggling as my R & R approaches, PI report pending, Christmas, etc. I just feel overwhelmed, and alot of it is the fact that Christmas for my boys will never be the same. I used to make such a production out of it all. She hasn't even put up a tree. Told the boys that since they were going to be with me, that she wasn't going to put one up. I think that is horrible, as Christmas isn't for HER, it's for the kids. Another selfish act on behalf of the alien.

It has just not been a good day, and I really need to get up and off of this pity pot, and begin to live again. I'm pretty sure I am not alone in that I travel this emotional roller coaster of feeling angry, sad, hurt, and depressed.

For those that have somehow managed to negotiate it, what were some of the things that helped you through it? If I were back stateside, I really think I would be dealing with this much better than I am now, as I have friends and family back there to lean on. I want to get past all of this pain, not only for my sanity, but because my boys need a stable parent right now.

I know kids are fully capable of handling this stuff, but I can't help but wonder what impact this will have on them years down the road. It's not fair to them, they didn't ask for their lives to be turned upside down. They didn't ask for a lawless home, in which they are more mature than their own M. I just sometimes sit here, and shake my head at what my W is doing.

I will find the strength to be the best Father I can be for my boys. I will do my absolute best to ensure that they have as good a Christmas as I can possibly give them-and I don't mean the gifts part. I will strive to be the steady shoulder for my boys to lean/cry on when things aren't going well. I will never let my boys see me become emotional over what my W is doing. I will always give my boys the maximum amount of my time for their needs. I will be their Dad, because ANYONE can be a father, it takes someone special to be a DAD. I will always be there for them-always.

Well, I feel a little better getting this out, but I still have the anxiety, and the feelings of dread that seep into my psyche from time to time. But I BELIEVE that those feelings and emotions will slowly begin to fade away, and I will begin to heal - One Day at A Time...