Well those both are depressing answers. She asked if we could continue the counseling when we separated on Saturday, saying "Don't you think it's a good idea?" For me, I have no idea how to be chipper and upbeat during that session. She's going to be dropping the bomb on the therapist, whom she's been lying to also.
What do I do, then? If we end couples counseling because she isn't willing to give up her lover, how does that help? And, I don't see how I can apply DB tactics in that session coming up on Thursday. Do I just not react? I don't want her to see me upset.
Perhaps I call the therapist ahead of time tomorrow and warn him and ask him to stay solution focused?
Ugh. I'm doing ok with the separation, enjoying my quiet time, but the coming session on Thursday feels like a potential backslide opportunity.
Can you tell by my replies to my own posts that I'm torn here? wow. Anyway, Ive been reading up on Puppy's other posts, and part of my gut agrees with his "bust the affair" philosophy. Here's my latest example:
-Thurs, Thanksgiving-wife has a "shaving" accident in the shower. "oops" she said, "I went a little too far, so I have to take it all off" Whatever. -Black Fri-gone all day, I cant reach her, supposedly at work, returns at 6 with hair in pony tail (she left in work clothes) -Sat-We are at IKEA and I get a text from her lover (!!!!) telling me to pass on a message about a guy at the bank (where she works) whose father died. When I asked who this was contacting me, his exact words were: "Gimme a break, you know this number. Just pass on the message please" Are you friggin kidding me? Wife reacted by saying, "How do you want me to react? there's no right way to do it!"
As you read in my previous post, I asked her to get out of the house this weekend, and we are now separated. I'm not pursuing her, and she's not following through on getting a hotel room (I think she's staying with her lover, who, coincidentally is also getting divorced, three kids, wife moved out...), and she isn't even worrying about the lack of contact with her kids.
So, as I head to our counseling session Thurs, am I simply handing her over to this punk? My man side of my psyche wants to:
-fully OUT the affair at work, including calling his boss, calling her boss, etc -contact his soon to be exwife via facebook -hire a P.I. or start tracking her, etc with GPS... -Hire an attorney -Change the locks on the house so she can't come and go.
However, the other side of me is trying to trust the DB stuff, detach, and take care of myself. Go out with friends, do more MMA training, etc. to get in best shape of my life. Is it worth the energy to blow everything up? Part of me feels that THAT would definitely end my marriage, since I could then be her excuse. She wouldn't feel guilty anymore. As is now, she can't say I've been a bad guy in any way. I mean, you can imagine what I wanted to do when I got that guy's text. Talk about an idiot.
Is your MC one who works with couples in making the M work.....or is he one that tells you to go find whatever makes you happy? That will be a big difference.
As I said, if your W goes, I think it will be for the C to say that a D is the answer to the problem....and then she can tell her family/friends that she was advised by the C to leave you.
She will probably take charge of the floor b/c she'll be loaded for bear. I don't know how surprised your C will be.....he shouldn't be at all. I bet he's been down this road a lot.
I doubt much of anything you say is going to change the outcome,but I do believe you should inform her and the C that you are not going to life in an open M. The idea that that jerk would call you to give a message to her is so utterly disrespectful.....just blows me away the way he talked to you. I would inform her that that better never happen again. You are not the errand boy nor their answering service.
If she doesn't have her things out of the house, then I would give her a deadline and if is still there, pack it it up and sit it outside.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What do I do, then? If we end couples counseling because she isn't willing to give up her lover, how does that help? And, I don't see how I can apply DB tactics in that session coming up on Thursday. Do I just not react? I don't want her to see me upset.
I don't get why she would want to continue after a D. Could you call your C and give a brief explaination of what's going down and see how he plans to guide the session? Don't know if he'll even consider it, but may be worth a try.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't call the therapist ahead of time. Let your wife own her dishonesty. You are trying to control the future which is a fruitless endeavor. She is driving the bus and the only choice you have is if you want to ride with her or drive your own bus. (Sorry for the cheesy analogy).
Now is the time to focus on you and the kids. What kind of man/father/husband do you want to be? Once you figure that out, you'll be in the driver's seat and you will decide if your wife is the kind of person you want in your life. What kind of mother is she? What kind of life partner has she been? You should look at those questions honestly before you decide you want her back in your life and that of your kids.
Right now she knows that she has you on the hook. She gets to decide if she stays or goes. It's the ideal position because she has a soft landing either way. She will probably delay making a decision as long as possible. You're still worried about how she will react to your decisions, so you won't make any...and she knows it. How can she respect you if you are more concerned with her opinion of you than your own opinion of you?
Have you seen an attorney? Knowing your rights and responsibilities will provide more clarity to your decisions--it won't make them any easier. Being a physician, you know that having more information enables you to better evaluate the risks and rewards of any particular course of action.
Is Mr. Nooner married? If so, his wife should know that she is being put at risk.
Don't protect your wife from her decisions. She is an adult and has to deal with the consequences.
I wasn't suggesting that you protect her by calling the C ahead of time. But if he is not a pro-marriage C, then do you have any idea how he will handle the session if he knows she doesn't plan to give up OM? Maybe I'm not understanding.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Join the club. I have no idea why she says she wants to continue MC.
This morning, she was supposed to come early to have the boys today, be a mom, etc. She was supposed to show up at 7, and I have patients starting at 8. She agreed by text last night that she would be here. Well...She showed up at 7:25. And feigned ignorance, saying traffic was bad.
I'm so tired of this. I doubt she will even show for the session tomorrow. I want to change the locks, etc.
